Hearts of the Past and Present
The revaluations of Michonne's past has shaken me to my very core. It has made me question so much about my pregnancy and the future of my baby.
My mind had been circling her story for hours while on day watch, my levels of fear increasing as the minutes ticked by. The questions now in my head should have been there at the very beginning, these questions were unfortunately delayed.
I knew that at first I was just pushing all the unanswerable question to the back of my mind, locking them up and hiding the key, then filling my empty mind with conclusions to lesser problems. With Bella's birth, I convinced myself that nothing could go wrong, I knew that I was safe. I told myself and Daryl that this part of the pregnancy was going to be fine, not baring to think about the weeks, months and years afterwards.
Michonne had dove into my mind and discovered the key which I threw into the deepest, darkest part of my mind. She had unlocked the chest at the back of my mind which caused the awful thoughts to flood my brain, intoxicating it with death.
It's not about the risks of the pregnancy anymore, they were practically resolved with Hershel and equipment, it's now about the dangers that come after giving birth.
Do I really want my baby to live in this world and become a child of the apocalypse where every action bets your life? I wasn't sure if I could do this anymore, I knew, honestly, that I couldn't protect my baby from everything and anything. I was foolish enough to believe in the beginning that I could, not giving myself a chance to think about it.
I wasn't sure what the worst predicament was; they were all too painful to even think out but my brain was forcing me to see them, every detail highlighted, every emotion increased by a thousand.
1). Our baby was ripped out of our lives. Something happened, something went terribly wrong. We were forced to leave the prison, or the prison simply wasn't safe anymore. We run into some trouble, death was close enough to smell. Daryl isn't able to save us, I'm not able to save our baby and it's scratched or bitten, or even worse shredded by hunger walkers.
At that point I have very little to live for, of course there is Daryl but neither of us will feel whole without our baby in our arms or in our hearts. It's likely that I would throw myself at the walkers that just demolished my soul, if not, Daryl and I would slowly realise and come to understand that our lives aren't worth living after our child is killed.
2). Daryl dies. Same scenario. The prison is over taken, or we are forced out of it. We find ourselves in the wild, in the open and a herd finds us. Daryl is caught by a stray, scratched or bitten. Again, even worse, the whole herd catches up to us and there is nothing left of Daryl, just his screams echoing around my head.
There's no doubt I would slip back into my depressive trance, only so much worse because Daryl isn't even there for me to look at. I would try hard to keep going for our baby, but I know that every time I looked at him or her, I would see Daryl. Slowly, each day, each glance, my walls will be taken down and there will be nothing left inside me. There wouldn't be a Dixon Family, just a sad girl with a poor, unfortunate baby.
3). I die. To me, this is at the same time, both the best and the worst of the possible situations. I die, whichever way, and Daryl and the baby live. The most important people in my world survive, and that's all that matters. But then again, I die and the baby is left motherless and Daryl is left without me.
Daryl and I are in a place where if either of us, god forbid, did die, we would find it extremely difficult to continue. I'm sure he would start to loose the will to live, as would I, but I know that he is a lot stronger than I and he would strive to give our child the best life.
I'd much rather die and give our baby a better life with a stronger parent than have Daryl die and I struggle to take care of them.
The unthinkable is that both Daryl AND the baby are taken away from me, but then my answer is simple. I'll join them.
I was completely wound up in my thoughts, and with no appetite for dinner, I walked straight through the living cell barely acknowledging anyone sat in there.
I opened the door and pulled back the curtain of my bed cell to reveal Daryl who hadn't moved all day to benefit his health, he smiled when he saw me but the smile turned into a smirk. He was about to make some sort of remark till he took in the look on my face.
He quickly got out of bed to stand in front of me in just his boxers, his lowered his head so it was level with mine and placed his hands on my waist.
"What's wrong?" He asked, Daryl made no attempt to hide the worry he felt, it was coated over every word he spoke and was painted over every inch of his face.
"I don't know if I can do this." I replied, my voice broke. I already felt dead inside.
"Do what? Have the baby? Yes you can Lily, you're the strongest person I have ever known." Daryl reassured me, there was no doubt in his voice.
"I mean, be a mum in an apocalypse." I rephrased my ultimate fear.
Daryl rose my chin with his finger, my eyes had slipped from his, dropping down to his chest in defeat. I no longer had any confidence, fear had eaten it away.
"Lily where has this come from? You are more than capable of doing this, I was the one with doubts not you." He said and tightened his grip on my waist.
"But Michonne." I whispered.
Daryl towed me by my hands to the bed, he sat me down on the side but kept hold of my small hands in his large ones. They felt rough and warn, but that was one of the reasons why I loved them, they made me know that Daryl was real and imperfect. I never wanted him to let go, right now I felt that if he let go, I'd loose him forever.
"What about Michonne?" He asked, still terrified by my behaviour.
I must have been the first and only one Michonne had told. She trusted me and opened up because it was a possibility that I would go through the same, she must have known that I would say something to Daryl. I couldn't not with everything running through my mind right now.
I took a deep breath before venturing back into Michonne's real life nightmare.
"She had a son, only three years old when he was literally ripped from her hands by a walker. He was called Perrie." I explained. "I'm not as strong as Michonne, I won't be able to handle or arry on after loosing my baby, watching it get torn apart and eaten."
After hours of feeling empty outside while on watch, a tsunami of tears strongly poured down my face, so much so that I thought it was possible that I could drown. I knew they weren't stopping anytime soon.
"You listen to me." Daryl said sternly, both fear and true care was in his tone. He was desperate for him to break through to me. "I would never EVER let that happen. To the baby or you."
"You can't protect us from everything!" I shouted in a burst of emotion.
Daryl's hands left my own and moved up to my face, he held it in place and made sure my eyes stayed locked on his while I spoke. This way he knew I was listening and I knew he was serious, that not a single word he was about to say was a lie.
"I can try, I can try my hardest to not let you get taken away from me. I'll die before you and our baby."
He leaned down and pressed his forehead to mine, his eyes were squeezed shut. It was heartbreaking for him to see me in such a state. I didn't want him to see me like this but I couldn't deal with these thoughts alone. Daryl kissed me hard on my forehead, as if to kiss away the thoughts.
I balled my hands into fists so tightly that I hoped my energy would soon dwindle and I would be too tired to cry anymore. Daryl pulled up the cover of the bed to wipe away my tears.
I knew Daryl wouldn't stop at anything to protect us, but that doesn't mean death will give us mercy. It could be a horrific accident, it could be a herd, it could even be an intruder in the prison.
I would have this none stop worry of my baby, where she or he was still inside me, in my arms, crawling around, or running in the prison field. Nothing could protect them from the future.
"Please stop crying Lily, it hurts me to see you like this. This is so much worse than last night." He said.
"That's because this is more important." I said. "I-I don't. Give. A sh-shit. About Pete." I stuttered between harsh gasps for air.
"Shhhhhh." Daryl said then proceeded to shift me onto his lap then laid down fully onto the bed with me still in his arms so I was curled up to his chest. This was a major benefit of having a boyfriend who was a lot larger and stronger than you, he carries you and lifts you whenever and how ever he wants, it made me feel like a doll.
We laid for a good half an hour, Daryl waited for me to calm down and I tried to as I listened to his heart beat on his chest. He stroked my soft hair out of my face, it tickled my cheek as it was brushed away.
I sighed heavily as I felt the tsunami of tears come to a finish, finally.
"You all cried out?" Daryl asked.
I nodded into his chest, "Mmhmm."
"Good," he said. "Right now we shouldn't be concentrating on that sorta stuff, more on the positives and fun things."
It was very weird to be having Daryl calm me down and sooth me over the baby, our roles had definitely reversed today. I do love seeing the softer side to Daryl, he was so comforting.
"What fun stuff?" I asked almost reluctantly, my voice was still heavy from all the crying.
"I don't know.. Like names?" He suggested.
I sat up so I could look him in the eye questionably, "Is that what you have been doing today?" I asked.
Daryl shrugged, trying to play it cool.
"You so have!" I exclaimed. "What have you been thinking of?"
He suddenly went shy, as if he were embarrassed at the fact that he has been thinking about names. It was adorable. "I don't know, first off though.. What's the second name?"
"Dixon obviously," I replied quickly, why wouldn't it be?
"You tell me yours first, girls and boys." Again he was embarrassed, especially to go first.
"I like the name Carrie, or Honey." I said as I wrapped my arm around his strong chest.
Daryl scoffed, "Honey?" He repeated. "Can you imagine me calling and saying Honey?"
I laughed weakly, he was right. The name didn't exactly roll off Daryl's tongue.
"If you can come up with better girl names, go ahead." I challenged.
"Urm, Jemma, Evie, Ivy.." He struggled to list anymore but I felt like I was electrocuted when Daryl said Ivy, I day dreamed about that name.
"Oh my god." I exclaimed, "I had thought of Ivy! Ivy Mae!"
A warm smile spread across Daryl's face, "I like that one."
"Me too," I said returning the smile. "Now for a boys," he said with a smirk.
I wasn't sure what was cuter, imagining Daryl with a son or with a daughter. With a son, I could see him teaching him the ways of the woods, taking him out hunting, teaching him how his crossbow works, throwing him over his shoulder playfully. Meanwhile they both had huge grins on their faces.
Then again, I could see Daryl being very over protective and down right adorable with a little girl. He'd keep her cute and girly but at the same time made sure she new how to handle the boys, he'd put her on his shoulders and carry her to bed when she falls asleep downstairs. Daryl will be an amazing father.
"Riley," I said.
Daryl pulled a face, "Riley Dixon, it don't work."
I nodded, it didn't sound too good.
"Lucas." He suggested.
"No way," I said quickly, "Ex boyfriend."
"I like Freddie," Daryl said with a shrug.
"Freddie," I smiled, "Thats cute, but how about Jacob?" I asked.
He was quiet for a moment, Daryl knew who Jacob was, or more like Jake.
He sat up straighter, "Jacob, as in your cousin?"
"Yeah, thought it would be a nice way to remember him, you know, since his death was unfair, so unnatural." I wasn't able to phrase what I thought quite right, but Daryl understood.
"That would be nice," he smiled and tightened his arms around me.
It was quiet for a few moments before I spoke.
"Thank you," I said, filling the silence.
"What for?" Daryl asked, confused.
"For distracting me, and being there."
"Oh, you've caught on with my plan have ya?." He smiled.
"Yeah," I giggled. "It worked."
"Just don't cry like that again okay, I didn't know what to do." Daryl said.
"Yeah you did, you were brilliant." I reached up, "So thank you." I said and kissed him on the cheek.
NotesThis is the longest chapter I have written yet. It was going to very plain and just discuss baby names for baby Dixon, but my mind got ahead of itself and ran wild. I thought I should makes things interesting by making Lily a little crazy with the hormones of a pregnant woman mixed with real doubts and possibilities.
I hope you liked this chapters. Chapters might not come as regularly now I'm back at college but I will try my VERY hardest. Xx