Hearts of the Past and Present
Paying Their Respects
Hershel came inside after Daryl left, he looked at me with painfilled eyes but before he could speak, I nodded and told him I knew.
It's been a couple of hours since Daryl left me with nothing but a necklace. I had put it on and somehow proudly let the simple heart pendent rest on my chest.
Beth came in, she gave me a double glance when she spotted the necklace but continued to act like she hadn't. She had brought me a damp rag to wash my face with and a bowl of food, I was that hungry that I didn't even look at whatever I was eating.
"People are desperate to see you Lily, are you up for it? It could be upsetting though.." Hershel said.
"Yeah, I'm up for it." I replied.
I planned on not crying, I was not going to cry in front of my fellow survivors any more. I didn't want them to worry too much about me, I knew that everyone would be on edge and expect me to slip back into my old ways but I was determind to prove them wrong.
Hershel prepared the room for visitors then hobbled over to me. He unhooked the tube from my arm saying that I had had enough for now, but as soon as he left, I fixed it back in this would keep all types of pain at bay and stop me from thinking too much.
I sat up in bed hoping that I looked presentable enough for my guests. I wasn't sure what they would do or what they would say, would this be "grieving" or them "paying their respects"? I didn't know.
I waited paitenly for my first guest.
There was a quiet knock, it was very timid.
"Come in," I said and began to cough, my throat was rough.
In came, to my surprise, Hayden and Olly. The look of pity on both of the brothers' face was overwhelming, as well as annoying. I hated pity.
I smiled weakly, finiding the situation a little awkward. But it was this smile that broke the ice, Hayden rushed across the room and sat on the edge of my bed right beside where I was tucked in, his arms wrapped around me.
"I'm so sorry Lily," He said into my shoulder.
How do I reply to that? It's okay? Me too?
"How are you feeling?" He asked as he pulled back.
"Okay, a little weird as I am doped out of my mind." I said and nodded to the drip.
Hayden laughed lightly as he looked at his hands. He felt slightly awkward too. Olly felt so awkward that he stayed by the doorway, leaning on the frame.
"Thank you." I said kind of out of the blue.
"What for?" He asked.
"Bringing me inside." I replied.
"Oh, I didn't think you realised who brought you inside 'cos you were screaming so much." Hayden flinched at his own words, I did scream loud.
My eyes flickered up to Olly then back down to Hayden's eyes which were on me, he noticed my action.
Hayden turned to face his brother, "Quit being so rude," he said.
"I-I don't know what to say or how to say it," Olly stuttered.
"It's okay, I have no idea what to say either Olly," I smiled, "How about just a hug?" My smile turned into a smirk.
Olly returned the smile before shyly looking down to his feet. Hayden slid down the bed to make room, Olly walked over and hugged me tightly. Hayden got to his feet and hovered by the door while his brother and I embraced.
"Bella says she's sorry too." Olly whispered quietly so only I could hear. When he pulled back, he looked at me seriously and meaningfully.
"Bye Lil," Hayden said.
"Bye guys," I said but I sounded quiet and distant.
Bella really was sorry, she had been there and done that almost exactly like me. She had lost Daryl's baby and so had I, she knew what I was feeling under all this medication.
I was at the mini sink in the first aid cell scrubbing my face and neck clean, scraping away at the skin I am in. The cold water felt refreshing on my hot and bothered skin. I was trying to calm myself down as the medicine was becoming too much for me, I ripped it out of my arm. I had to come to terms with my feelings some time.
I turned around to see Maggie walking through the cell door, holding back the curtain with Glen centimetres behind her. We stayed staring at one another, both afraid to make the first move but Maggie broke and through herself at me. I wrapped my arms around her tightly, as if I were scared that she would take off too.
"I'm sorry Lily," she said, making my shoulder damp from her tears.
I pulled back so I could look at Glen, my arms still around Maggie.
"Are you not getting in on this?" I asked with a weak smile.
Glen walked over and joined in on the hug, it was nice to be literally surround by people who care about you. I sat back down on my bed, Maggie on the other end and Glen took the little wooden seat.
"Are you in pain?" She asked.
I shook my head, "I've had A LOT of medicine."
"How did Daryl take it?" Glen asked.
Maggie's face showed confusion, "Where even is Daryl? I thought he was in here with you?"
"That tells you how he took it." I replied. "He took it badly, he's not here. Daryl took off."
Glen's mouth dropped open and Maggie's eyes nearly popped out of her head.
"No fucking way." She exclaimed. "How could he?!"
"Its how he deals with this sorta stuff, it's all he knows." I answered.
My next visitors were Rick and Carl. Carl gave me a quick sorry and I pulled him in for a hug to ease his awkwardness. When I did so, he whispered into my ear "Now you won't end up like my mom," before leaving just Rick and I alone.
I felt a little offended with Carl's comment, he seemed almost pleased that I had lost my baby but I knew he truly meant it in the way that I wouldn't die. I bet he sees his mother's dead body in his dreams at night, the poor kid.
Rick and I sat side to side on my bed.
"You understand why Daryl has gone? What caused him to..?" Rick started.
"How could I forget?" I said quietly, the thoughts had been haunting me all god damn day. "I feel like I have failed him Rick."
"You have not failed him Lily," Rick replied sternly. "This was just an accident. No one could have predicted this."
"But still, this is the second baby of his someone has lost. I can't help but feel guilty and this will surely take a toll on him." I said.
"It has taken a toll on him, I'm telling you something you already know because he's not here. And you can't feel guilty Lily! like I said this couldn't have been predicted and avoided."
"Where is he?" I asked tearfully.
"My guess is that he's at the motel, or maybe the lake where you two first met. But don't worry, he'll be fine." Rick replied as he wrapped an arm around my shoulder.
"It should be him sat here with me, not you. It's me and him." I said as the tears fell steadily.
"I know, I know." Rick stroked my hair down as he soothed me.
It may have sounded harsh but it was true. Daryl and I should be crying on each other's shoulders and dealing with this together, not separately. We all know what happened last time we dealt with the same situation differently.
Rick wiped my tears away with his thumbs, an action Daryl as done to me previously, this only caused more of my cries.
"Pete and Michonne still want to see you, do you want to see them?" He asked.
I replied with a question which scared me, "Does Pete know Daryl's gone?"
"Yeah, do you still want to see him?"
I sighed, "I might as well get it over with."
Rick kissed me on the head and left me alone in my cell, but soon enough Pete timidly knocked from behind the curtain. I called him inside.
"Hey Lil," he said with his old smile.
"Hi," I said reluctantly. "Go on, say it."
"Say what?" He asked confused.
"I told you so."
Pete's face was a mixture of pain, upset and disappointment, "No, no, no Lily." He took a seat at the very end of my bed, making sure he didn't cross the line with me. "I wouldn't do that, especially not after this."
"Do you hate him even more now?" I asked.
"Sweetie, I've never hated Daryl. I only thought that he wasn't good enough for you." He replied.
"I'm sure he's proved you right."
"It's not about that," Pete said quickly, "It's about your health and that you are okay."
"I'm okay." I said quietly.
We sat in silence for a short while. I know I'm the one who breaks silences first as I rarely shut the hell up, but if didn't feel like talking much with Pete but he was the one who sparked another conversation.
"Do you blame Tyreese?" He asked.
"Who the hell is Tyreese?" I asked back.
"He was the one who shot the walker, he was the one who scared the horse. Of course, all this was," Pete outstretched his arms, "was unintentional."
"God, I completely forgot about that. And no, I don't blame him for it. It was an accident." I said honestly. "Hershel said its him and his sister?"
"Yeah, Tyreese and Sasha. They've been on the road for a while and they're sick at the moment. We cleaned out cell block D for them to stay in." Pete said.
"Hopefully, they seem like nice people but if not at least till they are better. Rick says he has 3 questions to ask them."
And those three questions were those asked to Hayden and Olly; how many walkers have you killed, how many people have you killed, why?
Michonne stepped into the first aid cell. She didn't take a seat on my bed or even on the stool, she stayed standing and leaned against the wall furthest away.
"How do you feel about this?" She asked straight up.
"There's been too much going on for me to think about it properly, obviously I'm upset. I would have loved to have had a family with Daryl." I replied.
"Have you thought about how this could be for the best?" Michonne asked with raised eye brows.
"Yes, I have." I answered truthfully. "I thought about you and what happened with your baby-" Michonne flinched but I continued, "-I couldn't imagine going through what you did and make it out alive, so I have thought that maybe it's better this way because there isn't a risk of he or she dying in the future having lived just a short life."
Michonne stood with her eyes tightly shut.
"But, Maggie did say that families are possible in the prison. It's safe. Maybe you could-"
"No!" She interrupted with a shout. "It is completely selfish to purposely bring a child up in this nature." She spat and left the room.
Michonne was absolutely right, it was selfish to start a family in these conditions. Maybe it was right for me to loose this baby, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt. And to be brutally honest, I was devastated.
There you gooooooo x