Hearts of the Past and Present
The day was long, but the night was even longer. Time seemed to have slowed down and a minute felt like an hour when I was in the first aid cell supposedly going to sleep.
I refused more meds from Hershel, insiting that I was felling okay physically. Finally he left me be. Everyone left me be after a busy day of visitors.
I have had no time to myself today, not even a half an hour to think over things. At the time, I was happy everyone came in to see me because it stopped me from thinking. At the time, I didnt want to think about the baby. At the time, I didn't want to think about Daryl. I couldn't run away from my own mind, I couldn't run from the truth of reality. I had learnt this a long time ago.
The cell block was silent, everyone was sound asleep par from Pete and Carl on night watch. Uncle Pete had told me earlier on that he was on duty with Carl tonight and that he was going to let him have a few hours shut eye tonight, which I thought was sweet.
With very little, or none at all, medication in my system, I couldn't fight the thoughts and urges to cry but with the current situation of the prison, I couldn't let loose here. I had a place in mind where I could, and needed, to go. I climbed out of bed and went up to my own cell up the stairs as quietly as I could.
Along the way I passed Daryl's empty bed. My heart ached. I grabbed my towel and my own clothes, in the urgency of my condition and the mud sodden clothes, Beth had stripped me of them and dressed me afterwards in an oversized t-shirt from the spare clothes basket, a place we dumped clothing we nabbed on a run but doesnt fit anyone.
I held my clothes tightly to my chest as I wandered barefoot through the prison on route to the showers. On the right of the corridor was the office Bella and the twins resided. I could hear the cries of either Leo or Avril muffled by the closed door. I closed my eyes tightly and hurried past.
The enterance to the showers was on the right side of the corridor too, I would have walked straight in if it wasn'tt for a faint light I spotted about 5 meters down and on the left. I stopped in my tracks and held very still, listening out for any noise that would give me a clue as to what or who was down there. Even though I was vunverable by being unarmed, I walked towards the dim light.
It was a barred cell door, unlocked. I peered inside, trying to keep my breath quiet and I used the towel to muffle the loud beating of my heart. There was a chesty cough and the sound of someone throwing up. I looked up to the wall, painted on it was 'Cell Block D'.
My shower could wait, even though parts of me were covered in dry mud, I took a little detour and opened the cell door with a nails-down-a-chalk-board creek.
"Hello?" It was a deep man's voice. He sounded nervous and weak.
"Hello," I replied quietly.
Two cells beside one another were lit by the light of a candle, and inside were, I presume, Tyreese and Sasha. I stepped into a clearly view.
"Oh," The nervousness he had before had vanished, but he still sounded weak.
"Are you Lily?" The woman asked as she placed a sick bucket back down on the floor.
I nodded, "Yes. Are you Tyreese and Sasha?"
"We are," The large man spoke.
,Listen, we are so sorry for what happened to you. We had no idea that the prison had secure fences, Tyreese shot one of the zombies down beause he thought it was coming for one of your group members." Sasha explained.
My eyes flickered up to Tyreese, it was he who shot the walker and caused Jenna to buck me from her back. I felt like I wanted to be angry at him, but I couldn't. I knew it was intentional, but it was the look in his eyes which wouldn't let me be mad. Tyreese looked genuinely upset and sorry.
I pressed my lips into a firm line before answered, "I know, I understand."
Sasha began to cough, she must have been the one coughing before. She was spluttering so much it caused her to vomit, I flinched as she did so. I was never good with sick.
Tyreese wiped his forehead of sweat with the back of his hand, "The old man thinks we've drank or ate something bad." he explained.
"Did you drink from a lake not far from here? Barge in the middle, little rowing boat, a crashed crash half submerge by the bank?" I asked.
"Yeah we did," Sasha replied regretfully as she wiped her mouth.
"I did too," I said. "I through up a lot then passed out, then D-.. Daryl found me."
The pair noticed my stutter and change of tone when I finished my sentence.
"I'm sorry," Tyreese said, "Is it someone you've lost?"
I smirked very weakly, "Kind of."
I absent mindedly rubbed my hand over my stomach, then relaised there was nothing to rub, no one. I quickly held my arms behind my back to stop myself from repeating that action.
"Was he the father?" Sasha asked.
"The one with the crossbow?" Tyreese asked.
"He looked beside himself when your group was at the gates waiting for us, he kept looking back up at the building and shifting on his feet."
"I'm gonna go," I said abruptly and left the cell block before I started to cry in front of the new comers.
The hot, heavy streams from the shower head drenched me from head to toe. When the fresh water rivers ran over my face, they were tainted and no longer fresh from my tsunami of salty tears.
By the time the water rushed down the plug hole, it was brown and murky, it had rinsed me from the dirt. I was sat on the floor of my shower cubical, my knees were up to my chin, my arms wrapped around my legs and my head resting on them.
Maybe this wasn't the best place to come and cry, my sobbed seemed amplified in the shower room.
I let myself think of everything and anything I ever could think of relating to the baby and Daryl, if I cry myself out over everything now, I will feel better and hopefully won't cry like this again. This experience can either break or make stronger.
I have no baby, no family of my own, no happiness, I listed in my head. I have no Daryl, no guarantee of his safety, no love. I needed him more than ever, and he needed me.
We've handled physical pain together before, in Woodbury. The both us of us were gravely injuried but we held and laid on one another. After it all, we had to deal with the emotional pain and grief of loosing Carol. We should have done it together, but we couldn't.
I would have thoughts that the next time, we would be able to handle it as a team; a duo. Unfortunately, the circumstances were all to familiar with Daryl and he dealt with it the only way he could. He ran away. I had never felt so lonely or empty inside. Instead of, now cold, water running down me, I should be feeling Daryl's warm hands running over me while under the covers. This action told me that I was safe and that I am okay.
I am not okay.
I was becoming hysterical; uncontrollable sobs erupted from my chest whenever they felt like it, my bottom lip quivered, my hands were shaking and my whole body shivered under the icy water.
A loud creak of a door echoed around the showers, disturbing me. It could be any one coming to retrieve me and attempt to help me through this loss, as well as drag me back to the bed cells. I felt like I had lost two people, in fact I have lost two people, it was a double blow.
The only voice I wasn't to hear was Daryl's, my ears longed for his rough and low tones which were coated in sympathy and compassion.
"Lily, is that you?" A girl's voice asked, hell, it was Bella calling loud and clear. She was the last person I wanted to see or speak to.
"Who else would it be?" I attempted to reply sarcastically but failed and sounded plainly pathetic.
"I think you should come out of the shower. Put a towel on and come talk to me."
There was nothing sinister about her request or her voice, she sounded sincere.
I turned the shower off and wrapped the tower which was hung over the cubical door around me, tucking it in securely under my arm. Bella was sat on the bench near my clothes, she held her hands together resting on her lap. Her pale face was calm, her black hair smooth and shiny. Even days after giving birth, also with minimal food, she looked good.
She waited patiently for me but quickly realised that me sitting beside her was a step too far. Dripping wet, I stood a meter and a half away facing her.
"I'm so sorry Lily, I know exactly how you feel."
And she was right, she did know.
"I know, you've been there and done that."
Bella held her tongue, stopping herself from retaliating. I knew that she wouldn't have put up with my cheek back in the normal world, or at Woodbury. She nervously fiddled with the straps of her low cut, black t-shirt, it revealed her large chest piece which read "Only God can judge me".
"He's gone because of you, you know." I said, filling the silence.
"I know," she replied simply.
"I do feel partly-" Bella took in the look on my face and decided to rephrase. "- feel majorly responsible for him leaving. But he's 30, I was 19, only two years younger than you and that's the reason why I feel like I am the only person who can relate to you and help you through this tough time."
"I'd not care how old you were, you left him when he was devastated. At that point in his life, you were probably the best thing in it and you took off without looking back." Bella looked pretty shocked at the fact that I knew so much about hers and Daryl's past relationship in this much detail. "I now know exactly now Daryl felt when you left him unsupported because he's left me."
"He'll come back," Bella replied.
"You didn't." I spat.
"I didn't love Daryl as much as he loves you."
Bella told me that she is there with experience if I needed someone to talk to. I nodded along silently. It wasn't the best scenario but what other option did I have? I did need someone who had been in the same position as me to open up to.
I dried myself off, dressed into fresh clothes and Bella walked me back to cell block C.
"Get some sleep," she said.
"Good night." She wished.
There was no way I was sleeping in the first aid cell tonight, it was so impersonal. As quietly as I could I climbed the metal framed stairs and onto the landing. In front of my feet was Daryl's unmade bed; the sheets were crumpled and his pillows in disarray.
I willing climbed into the covers, pulling them up to my chin. I nuzzled my face into Daryl's pillows and his familiar scent warmed me from the inside out. This was the next best thing to sleeping with Daryl.
Sorry it's been a couple of days, I've been busy with college but here it is. Finally up! Enjoy xx