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The Benevolence Series

Chapter Seven

After everyone had gone outside, leaving her alone to watch over Lori and Daddy, Beth slid down the wall beside the cell that Rick had used to hold the woman who would take them to Maggie and Glenn. Daddy had gone to his cell to rest for a bit and Beth told herself she would check on him in a few minutes, after she had had a chance to pull herself together. Maggie being taken had shaken him real bad and she knew that he'd want some time to be alone with his thoughts, and maybe with God. Daddy had always been a deeply religious man and a loyal servant to the Lord, but after everything that had happened he prayed less now. She hoped he was praying for Maggie now though, because at least someone would be.

Seemed every time she tried to talk to God now she got real mad inside. She couldn't understand why he would forsake them like this and punish them for the sins of others.

Sometimes she wondered if she hated him for it. But she knew that it was wrong to hate God. He was their creator and he was testing their faith now. It would not do to waiver in their devotion to him.

But if she lost Maggie, she knew that she wouldn't have any faith left. She'd been running low for so long - Her lower lip quivered and she cupped her hands over her face to hide the tears when they came.

"Beth," a soft voice drifted from the cell down from where she was crouched. "Come here, honey."

She hesitated and then pushed herself to her feet, rubbing the tears from her cheeks. Lori was sitting up in bed with her legs draped over the side, her bare feet resting on the concrete floor.

She was red-faced, her forehead glistening with sweat. Her arms were wrapped tightly around her abdomen and she was bent over, pain evident on her face.

"Come here," Lori opened her arms to her.

Beth went to her, still crying, and knelt down beside the older women, burying her face into her lap. She felt Lori's fingers smooth over her hair and she sniffled, shaking with emotion as the full intensity of her fear hit her hard.

"Shhhh," Lori soothed, stroking her hair. Her voice was soft but strong when she spoke.

"Everything is going to be okay," she promised. "Maggie is so brave and strong. And Glenn is smart. They will get each other through this."

Beth listened to her words and felt anger rising in her chest. Not really aimed at Lori, but the whole situation was so unfair. How could God let them come so far and then have it end so cruelly? How could he not protect them? How come he always let the bad people in this world win? She snapped her head up and glared at Lori who looked surprised by her sudden change in position.

Lori reached for her but Beth didn't want to be comforted anymore. She wanted to be angry. At God for forsaking them, and Lori for having a baby and making them go look for supplies. And Maggie and Glenn for volunteering to go. Daryl for not bringing them back. Rick, for failing them over and over and over again. He said they would be safe at the prison, but they weren't safe anywhere. He'd lied to them.

"You don't know that," she bit out, getting to her feet. "You don't know what you're talking about. You didn't lose anyone. You don't know what it's like."

Turning her back on Lori she stalked out of the room, knocking over Lori's bedside table as she passed. She ignored the loud clattering as it smashed to the floor, scattering her medicine and medical supplies. She stomped her way up to her room, not caring if Daddy saw and was disappointed.

Fuck
- she entered her cell and took deep gulping breaths, thinking the word over and over again in her mind until it wasn't enough. "Fuck," she tried out loud. "Fuck," she was shaking so hard and she slammed her hand down on the top bunk mattress. "Fuck everything."

The word felt so wrong when she heard it in her own voice, but it felt good to say it.

"Beth?"

She whipped around to see Carl standing in the doorway, his hat in his hands, concern etched across his face.

"This really isn't a good time, Carl," she told him collapsing onto her bed, her head resting on her pillow, her arms crossed over her face, blocking him out. He didn't say anything else, and she had assumed he'd left, but then she felt his hand rest on her knee. She used her hands to push herself into a sitting position and she glared at him.

"Leave me alone, Carl," she raised her voice, pushing him away. He stumbled, clearly caught off guard by her sudden outburst.

Once he had found his footing again he pursed his lips and raised his chin. "I'm not leaving. You don't have to be alone." He took a step back in her direction. "I'll never leave you."

Launching herself to her feet she grabbed his arm roughly and pushed him out of her cell.

"You're a kid, Carl," she pushed him onto the walkway. "You're just a stupid kid and you have NO idea what you're talking about!"

Using both her hands she used all of her strength to slam the cell door behind him then pulled the sheet that she had hung up for privacy. She pulled it closed, blocking out the site of Carl standing on the catwalk watching her, long faced.

Energy spent, she walked slowly back over to her bed and crawled into the bottom bunk. With the anger subsided there was only a hollow feeling left in her chest. She felt herself drifting back into the dark place that she had been in back at the farm after they'd put down her mother and all of the other Walker's in the barn.

Turning onto her stomach she closed her eyes and waited for sleep to come and chase away the fear and hurt.

XXXX

Carl went back to his cell to put his hat on his bed then headed back down to the main area of their cellblock. He hadn't checked in with Carol since Daryl had told him to, so he planned on doing that now. He had to be the man now and make sure that everyone was okay, especially Judith and his Mom - because he wasn't just a stupid kid. He narrowed his eyes at Beth's cell as he passed it on his way downstairs. He was old enough to carry a gun and help his Dad keep the prison safe. He was old enough to shoot his mom if he'd had to… What had Beth ever done to be so "mature"?

As he went down the stairs he sighed on the inside. He wanted to be mad at Beth for what she had said, but he felt pretty bad for her too, since Maggie was missing. He remembered the time he told Carol that heaven wasn't real, and that she was stupid for believing it. He hadn't meant what he said, he was just so sad that Sophia was gone and angry for some reason. So he'd said mean things to her, and it had made him feel a little bit better. That's probably what Beth was doing now, so he would have to forgive her, like how Carol had forgiven him.

He found Carol was sitting on the floor in the room that was attached to their cell block, his little sister resting in her arms. Judith was still crying so he went over and sat cross-legged across from Carol, theirs knees touching. He watched for a few minutes, not sure if Carol wanted his help. Eventually she looked up at him, her face sad.

"She likes it when you hold her head up more," he offered and leaned forward to lift the baby's head so that she was curled up, her cheek resting on Carol's chest. "It's okay, Judith," he took her tiny hand in his and played with her fingers. He liked her hands the most; they were so cute. Judith had stopped crying he watched her yawn, her face going back to a more normal colour.

He sat back, still watching his baby sister. He liked to look at her, because she looked just like their mom. He had been worried he wouldn't like her - that he wouldn't like being an older brother. But he loved her, a lot. And he wanted to keep her safe and teach her lots of cool things.

"Do you miss Sophia?" Carol asked him.

He looked up, surprised that she asked him that. She was looking at him without blinking and he felt a little bit awkward, but he nodded. "Yeah," he looked away from her. "She was my best friend…" Carl forced himself to meet Carol's eyes again. "Do you?"

Carol's eyes flooded with tears, but they didn't fall. "Of course," she answered. "She was my daughter." She looked down at the little girl in her arms. "She makes me miss her even more."
Carl looked up curiously. "Do you hate my mom? For having a baby?" He asked. Maybe she had been worried like he had about the baby. That it would make everything change. He couldn't look away from Carol now.

"I was jealous sometimes," she admitted, stroking Judith's cheek with her index finger. "I thought it was so unfair, that she got to keep two of you, and God took away my only little girl - but now," a smile warmed her face. "God, I love her," a tear rolled down her cheek and she leaned down to kiss Judith's forehead.

Carl watched them for a moment, thinking it was real nice to see Carol holding the baby. She was really good at it too, and he understood what she meant. "Were you mad that we didn't call her Sophia?" He asked.

Carol laughed and looked up at him. She reached over to pat his shoulder. "No," she shook her head, smiling with those tears still in her eyes. "No, I think it's good that she has her own identity."

"Are you sad? Because Daryl was mean to you?" Carl asked, folding his hands in his lap. He'd overheard their conversation outside while he was waiting by the car. He could tell Daryl had hurt her feelings. He wanted to tell her that Daryl was just an asshole sometimes, but he figured Carol already knew that, on account of them practically being best friends. Besides, everyone knew that he didn't really mean it. His mom said that Daryl just had a "complicated personality". Carl wasn't really sure what that meant, but it sounded like a good enough excuse to him.

Besides, Daryl was good at tons of stuff, like hunting and shooting…

Carol stopped smiling and she went kind of stiff. "You ask too many questions," she told him, shaking her head.

Carl sighed. He knew that that meant that she was upset. "Beth was mean too," he confided, feeling sad all over again as he remembered how she had treated him. "I know how it feels," he confessed and reached forward to hold her Carol's hand. She didn't pull away, but she didn't look at him either, so they both just watched Judith sleep.

XXXXXX

Maggie was quivering against him, her arms wrapped tightly around him. She stayed quiet for a long time and Glenn spread his hands over her back to cover as much of her bare torso as possible. He wondered where her shirt was… he wouldn't allow himself to wonder why it wasn't on her.

He could feel her tears soaking into his shirt and he held her, his mind racing. They needed to escape before they were killed. And they needed to warn the others at the prison about this group.

They wouldn't be able to fight their way out, he was injured, and they didn't have any weapons.

They would have to sneak somehow. He wondered what time it was, if they would be able to use to cover of darkness. His vision was cloudy though, with his busted eye and he was pretty sure he had a concussion.

"I-," Maggie started to speak but her throat caught on a sob and she buried her face into his shoulder again.

Glenn gave her a tight squeeze. "It's okay. You did what you had to. No one can blame you for that."

She nodded against him and shivered. He looked down at the skin on her back and traced the goosebumps that had risen over her flesh, sending a jolt straight through his heart. He kissed her forehead then guided her back a little. She resisted the distance and held onto him tighter. "Hey," he whispered, pushing her hair behind her ear. "It's okay," he tried to keep his voice assuring.

She still had tears shining in her eyes when she finally looked up at him. Her face twisted in agony as she inspected his injuries and she whimpered, reaching up to touch his eye with trembling fingers. "Where's all this blood commin' from?"

Glenn couldn't help but flinch, though he offered her a sheepish smile. "Guess I pissed him off," he joked, slipping his fingers under the hem of his shirt. He winced at the motion as he raised his arms, pulling the shirt over his head.

Merle had done a number on him and he hoped that he would get the chance to repay the favour one day. But first he would start with the asshole that had brought Maggie through. Glenn felt no guilt for the things that he planned to do to whoever that was.

Maggie protested wordlessly and reached out to stop his movements, but Glenn had already slid his arms free from his shirt. He cringed at the blood spilled down the front of it, knowing that she deserved better. But it couldn't be worse than leaving her feeling vulnerable and exposed.
Without asking her permission he lassoed her with the shirt and pulled it down to cover her, leaving his own chest bare.

"Thank you," she whispered, sliding her arms through the holes.

Glenn nodded and pushed her hair behind her ear again. He kissed her quickly and they shared a long look, drawing strength from one another. After a moment she set her mouth into a determined line and took a deep breath. He nodded, amazed and in love with her strength.
Glenn took her hand in his and they moved together to begin exploring their surroundings.

XXXX

It felt good to be sitting up and seeing clear signs that she was making progress in her recovery. Although the infection hadn't cleared up and she still felt like she'd been stabbed - which she had been, essentially - Lori could feel her strength returning. She knew that she would need to get on her feet as quickly as possible in order to pull her own weight in the group. With half of them gone she couldn't leave everything to Carol, and be a burden to her on top of that.

The baby beside her cooed softly and Lori turned to the infant. "One second. Mommy is just getting set up," she stroked the milky soft skin of Judith's chest. The baby's arms flailed with undeveloped coordination, colliding with her mother's wrist. "We're going to get you all clean…" Lori took her daughter's tiny fist in her fingers and opened it to inspect her tiny hands. Judith was awake, peering up at her mother with a serious expression on her face.

Lori tore her eyes away and turned to the table before her. She picked up one of the towels that Carol had brought in. They were still stained a rust colour from when they had been used for Hershel's leg, though Carol assured her they had been bleached. Lori left the towel folded in half to act as a pad and then lifted the baby. "Ouch," she muttered, taking a deep breath. The pain from her incision hadn't lessened much, but she pushed through it, determined to take care of her new daughter. She laid Judith down on the towel carefully and secured her with her hand.

Judith fussed, scrunching her face up. "Shhh," Lori comforted the infant by rubbing her chest. "I'll just be a minute," she promised making quick work of taking off the baby's diaper, keeping her eyes trained on her face as she worked. With the little girl completely bare she fished a cloth out of a bucket of warm water and began to wash her, keeping her voice low and soothing as she reassured Judith by babbling nonsense.

"You're giving her a bath? Can I help?"

Lori looked up to see Carl coming into the room wearing his favourite science dog t-shirt. She was surprised it still fit him with how much he had grown over the last couple of months. "Sure you can," Lori offered him a warm smile when he came to stand across from her on the other side of the table. She was so proud of her son for how naturally he had adopted his role as an older brother. She had been worried that after thirteen years as an only child he would resent the baby. Maybe the circumstances of her birth had helped him adjust more quickly.

She watched her son as he stroked his sister's head, smoothing her feathery hair, a small smile playing on his lips. "Was I this small when I was a baby?" Carl asked.

"You were smaller," Lori answered. "You were born a little bit early," she explained. Carl had been one of the smallest of the babies in the nursery and had fit neatly into Rick's cupped hands when he was a newborn. She'd had a picture of them together like that, but it had been left behind at the farm with their other belongings. She sighed at the loss. It had been her favourite picture of her two guys.

Carl leaned over to inspect his sister closer muttering that her belly button was weird. He inspected the umbilical cord stump which had been tied off with some string. Lori watched his face, smiling. "It's kind of gross… when will it look normal?"

"Well… it will dry up like a scab and then fall off… then it will look like yours," Lori explained patiently, washing Judith's feet.

Carl made a disgusted sound. "I've seen Walkers less gross," he commented, leaning in to look even closer. Despite his words his face remained curious.

When he leaned in further Lori's eye caught on a flash of silver. She looked closer to see that a thin cord that had come loose from his neckline. "Baby? What's that?" She asked, nodding to the string.

Her son straightened up quickly and tucked it back into his shirt. "Nothing," he answered, shrugging.

Lori raised one eyebrow, imploring him to answer her question. She held his gaze and he returned her stare, his jaw setting stubbornly. Their stand-off didn't last very long before he gave in and his resolve crumbled, his shoulders slumping.

Sulking, he pulled out the cord to reveal her locket.

Lori was surprised and her own hand went to her throat; she hadn't even noticed it was
missing.

"I took it… I'm sorry," he said regretfully. He moved to slip it over his head but was stopped by his mother's hand on his arm.

She held the baby in place and used her other arm to lightly pull him around the table. Once he was in reach she pulled him into a hug. "It's okay," she kissed the spot above his right ear.
"Keep it," she told him, releasing him.

He raised his eyebrows, the locket closed in his fist. After a moment he nodded and returned to his spot on the other side other table next to Judith's head. "You've worn it my whole life," he said, playing with his sister's hand while Lori put on her diaper.

"That's because I've had it your whole life," she told him. "Your daddy gave it to me on the day you were born."

His eyes filled with wonder and questions but he didn't ask them. Instead he moved around the table to pass her a pink and white sleeper with feet that looked like ballerina slippers. She accepted it and started to work the baby into the outfit.

"She doesn't like getting dressed," Carl noted, scrunching his freckled nose when the baby wailed with displeasure.

Lori smiled and nodded as she made quick work of putting Judith's limbs through the right holes. She was surprised at how easily things were coming back to her even though it had been twelve years since she'd last had an infant.

"Thank you," Carl spoke up over the wailing. "For the locket," he filled in, stuffing his hands into his pocket. "I'll give it to her one day," he promised, stroking his sister's hair.

Lori lifted the crying baby to her chest, her hand moving in slow circles over Judith's back to comfort her. Lori shushed the baby, gently bouncing her. Carl watched them for a moment before picking up the bucket of water and slipping out of the room.

XXXX

The sound of rain echoed through the prison like water dripping in a tin can. Lori listened to the sound, staring at the top bunk in her hospital room. She was grateful for the downpour and felt hopeful that it would wash away the smell of death that permeated the prison yard. But she also worried about what it would mean for Rick and his rescue mission. She tried to hide it from the others but she was terrified that they wouldn't come back, though she knew she wasn't the only one.

A sense of premature despair had settled over the group left behind that seemed almost palpable. Beth still hadn't come out of her room, refusing to even speak to her father and they all worried that this would be a repeat of what had happened back at the farm. There was little Lori could do about it though, since she wasn't even sure she would be able to manage the stairs at this point.

She winced as Hershel cleaned her incision.

"Sorry," the old man drawled. He glanced up at her face and offered an apologetic look to match. "It's getting red around the stitching… it's a sign that the infection is getting worse, not better."

Lori nodded, turning to look back at the top bunk. Figured that she would live through the surgery against all odds and then die from an infection. Figured nothing would go right in this cruel world. Her eyes blurred with tears and the slats that supported the top bunk swam before her. She felt so ill and miserable, like she had when Shane had told her Rick was dead. The world had seemed so hopeless without him, and every second that went by where he wasn't there seemed to be another failing on her part.

She was supposed to keep him safe as much as he did her and their children. She was supposed to fight for him too. Instead she let him go out time and time again and put his life at risk. If he died and something happened to Judith or Carl as a consequence that would be on her too.

"We'll clean it more often," Hershel told her, reaching to take her hand. "And we'll increase your antibiotics."

Lori looked over at him and tilted her head, catching a flash of concern in his eyes. She took a breath to ask him what was wrong, but he silenced her by patting her hand. And then he released her and pulled himself up, using the top bunk as leverage. He reached for his crutches. "We'll get you on your feet today."

He ambled out of the room; he was surprisingly steady for someone who had had both his legs not too long ago. She watched him go, her hand drifting down to rest on the fresh bandages he had dressed her incision with. The disinfectant was still stinging and she laid back to close her eyes, pinching her brow.

A few moments later Carol came in, dressed in a fresh pair of clothes and her hair freshly trimmed. Lori shook her head forcing a smile. "You look good," she complimented the other woman, truly meaning it.

"It's the baby," Carol approached the side of the bed. "She's so beautiful, Lori… there's just something about new life that makes everything feel a little brighter."

Lori nodded in agreement, though she couldn't shake the melancholy that had settled over her.

Carol seemed to spot it right away and the other woman took a seat beside her on the bed, her hand moving to rest on Lori's just as Hershel had done before. "You doing okay?" Carol asked.
Lori nodded, twisting her lips. When Carol didn't look away she felt her resolve weaken then crumble. "I'm just worried about Rick," she admitted, waving her hand in an attempt to be nonchalant.

Carol tilted her head, offering a sympathetic look but didn't say anything.

Lori smiled sadly, knowing that there was nothing the other woman could say. She couldn't promise Rick's safety, or that he would come back in one piece if he did at all. If there was one thing they had learned after all this time, after all the losses and the tragedies, it was that there were no guarantees in this world.

"Come on," Carol entwined their fingers and motioned towards the cell door. "You'll feel better… maybe we can even get you some fresh air."

"Ahh," Lori sighed, moving her legs over the side of the bed once Carol had gotten up. "The little things in life," she mused, bracing herself against the pain radiating from her abdomen. Carol slipped herself under Lori's arm and rose slowly, pulling Lori up with her. A small cry leaped from Lori's throat as her incision pulled. She turned her face, her forehead resting against Carol's cheek.

"Take your time," Carol said, supporting Lori's weight as the injured woman tried to find her feet underneath her.

Lori's legs trembled badly and she fanned her free hand over her incision. She felt like her stitches were straining against the weight of her insides as gravity pulled everything down.

"Jesus," she muttered, bending over slightly at the waist.

"Do you need to stop?" Her human crutch started to guide her back towards the bed.

Lori resisted, releasing her hold on her abdomen then swiping away the sweat that had begun to build along her hairline. "No," she shook her head, reaching for the wall to further steady herself. "I can do this." Her voice held a determination that she herself doubted, but she ignored the niggling fear and discomfort.

She pushed herself to take one step, then another, promising herself that it wasn't much further to go. Lori set a goal for herself. She would make it to the stairs, and then she could sit and rest - or pass out, if the black dots dancing in her vision were any indication. Biting down on her lip, her chest heaved with each breath.

When they were halfway to the steps, Lori paused in front of a cell where Carl and Beth were sitting side by side, Judith sleeping in Beth's arms. Carl shot to his feet alarmed at the sight of his mother pale and trembling, barely on her feet. He took a step forward but was stopped when Beth rested a hand on his shoulder. He looked down to the blonde girl and she shook her head. His gaze darted back to his mother who offered him a weak smile.

Carl returned it then slowly sank down into his seat on the bunk. Lori gave him one last reassuring look before carrying on towards the steps. She glanced around the prison, and at a man she didn't know who was leaning against the wall. His blue jumpsuit gave him away as one of the prisoners whose life Rick had spared. She eyed him wearily as she was lowered into the second stair.

Lori looked around again, taking a deep breath. It felt good to see something other than the four walls of her cell. She looked at the windows, the rain splattering against the glass, then to Carol who was offering her a cup of water, her face radiating with joy.

Lori figured it must have been infectious because she smiled back with a throaty laugh. "That was great," she breathed. "But you might have to carry me back."

Comments

I like this version better x

thewalkerinme thewalkerinme
5/11/15

Judith Maggie Grimes. Nope. NOpe NOPe. NOPE! I can't. It's too beautiful. This is so lovely. I feel like this would have happened. Like, I wish Carl hadn't shot her because she totally would have lived. I llove where you're going with this, with the small changes you're making x

thewalkerinme thewalkerinme
5/10/15

Chapter 4 was beautiful. Your writing is beautiful. Just, everything about this is beautiful.

thewalkerinme thewalkerinme
5/1/15

OMFG WHY HAVE I TAKEN SO LONG TO FIND THIS?!?! I wish this had happened, thank you for writing this! LOVE LOVE! Your writing is perfect and you have made me miss Lori so much and I am only on the first chapter! Please don't stop writing this, I don't know if you have finished but I am gonna keep reading to find out, and if I find you have stopped before the end then I am gonna spam your comments! Love this!

thewalkerinme thewalkerinme
10/6/14
@chroniclesofcharnia

I appreciate having you. :) Thanks for reading!
PrintDust PrintDust
9/8/13