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Through the Eyes of the Governor

Chapter 53: Dear Agony

WARNING: The following chapter contains content that may strongly disturb, depress, and/or frighten some viewers. The content of this chapter was strongly detailed by the author to provide realism to a depressed state of mind in a person's darkest hour, and what occurs in this chapter should NEVER be done in real life. If you are dealing with depression and thoughts of suicide, please contact the suicide hotline number provided: 1-800-273-8255. Viewer discretion is STRONGLY advised.

Penny squeezed her father’s hand with both her hands tightly, her eyes closed as she whimpered. “Please...please, go away,” she muttered under her breath.
Her hands began to shake. “Just go away…” she begged quietly, the awful memories plaguing her mind becoming prison bars — keeping her from escaping the dark prison her mind has become.
As Donna, Cher, and the kids ate their spam and saltine crackers, Bobby looked out of the dining room towards Penny. “Do you think she’s gonna come eat soon? She’s barely moved all day...” Bobby said, concerned.
“She’s just worried about her daddy, Bobby,” Donna replied. “Just let her be.”
“I know she is, baby. I understand it,” he told her. “Still...have any of you seen her really move today?”
“She’s gone to the bathroom, but that’s about it,” Cher replied. “She really should get some food in her. Trust me, worrying about someone you love on an empty stomach just makes it worse...” She paused for a moment, shaking away a memory of her former love. “I’ll take her some in a minute. Same with Merle. Knowing him, he’s gonna get grumpy if he doesn’t get some more food in him.”
Bobby’s concern for Penny faded somewhat, as his thoughts shifted to Merle. He chuckled a little bit. “I still can’t believe he woke up just this morning. The man’s tougher than I thought.”
“That’s Merle for you,” Cher told him. “What he lacks in brains he makes up for in toughness.”
“I heard that, princess,” Merle said, as he approached the dining room, clutching his gut as he leaned against the door frame. “How’s ‘bout you gimme some of that food, and I’ll forget ya said that. And don’t gimme them little crackers, I just want the spam.”
Cher opened a can of spam, handing him the can and a fork.
“Thank you,” Merle told her, eating a piece of spam. “Mmm. Now this is real food right here. I could eat this all day.”
“What happened to your hand?” Ellie asked, eyeing Merle’s covered up amputation.
“You want me to show ya, son?” Merle offered.
“I’d prefer if you didn’t,” Donna said to him.
“Why not? They’ll see worse down the road anyway. Might as well help ‘em brace themselves for it now.”
“My kids don’t need to see that, and I don’t need their appetites being ruined! They need to eat,” Donna insisted.
Merle scoffed a little. “Yeah, kids. Listen to ya mama. There’s a lot of protein in them crackers there. They’re gonna help you grow up biiig and strong.”
Merle,” Cher said sternly, “enough.”
“I helped fix you up,” Donna told him. “We all did. So if you’re gonna be a rude guest — especially after we helped save your life — then you can go ahead and leave right now.”
Merle stared at Donna for a moment...before shrugging. “Sorry. Guess I forgot my manners. Somewhere between gettin’ stabbed and gettin’ my hand cho—”
Merle!” Cher repeated.
Merle looked at Cher again, before sighing. “Alright, alright,” he said, focusing his attention back on Donna. “Thank you for yer hospitality. I don’t plan on bein’ in yer hair for long though. As soon as me, Philip — and princess over there — get better, we’re headin’ out with Penny.”
“Philip can stay as long as he wants,” Bobby chimed in. “Same with Penny, and Michelle. You, on the other hand, need to learn some manners if you wanna stay here.”
“Yeah?” Merle asked, his voice a bit threatening.
“Yeah,” Bobby answered back, not bothering to get up. “We’ll talk about this later if we have to. Let’s just eat for now.”
Merle scoffed. “Fine by me.”
Merle turned his head, his rude attitude fading as he glanced over at Philip on the couch. “He hasn’t woken up yet...You sure he ain’t in some kind of coma, Doc?” Merle asked.
“I’m sure,” Donna answered. “I’ve been running a few tests on him every couple of hours or so, just to be sure he hasn’t slipped into a coma. So far, he’s been doing just fine. His breathing’s been normal, his pupils always respond to my flashlight, and he’s been showing signs of discomfort on his face whenever I twist part of the trapezius muscle in his shoulder. However, his body took a worse beating than yours did. He’s got more internal damage than you, so his body’s just taking more time to recuperate. So right now, the best thing we can do is let him rest as much as he can. He’ll wake up on his own soon enough.”
Merle kept his eyes focused on Philip as she spoke. “I hope ya right, Doc. He better pull through this.”
Later that night, as everyone else was sleeping, Bobby left his room to check on Penny, squatting down next to her by the couch. “You want a chair?” he offered.
“Please,” she replied gently.
He went into the kitchen, grabbing a chair for her to sit in. He squatted back down next to her as she sat down in the chair.
“Thank you,” she said.
“You’re welcome,” he replied. “You know...My son was hurt badly in a car accident. Some dumbass didn’t see the red light, and just…” He sighed. “He missed my door, but Ellie wasn’t so lucky. Got cut...all over his forehead,” Bobby told her, showing with his forefinger where his son had been cut. “It was bad. There was so much blood coming out of his head, and his arm, I...But I called an ambulance, and I rode with him to the hospital. And when Donna saw our boy coming into the ER...I think she almost fainted. She was in a real panic. They got some other doctors to work on him, but even after I gave them as much blood as they needed...he ended up in a coma.”
Penny remained quiet. Listening, but quiet. She just wasn’t sure what to say to that.
“I was there all night with him. Missed work the next day. I couldn’t leave his side. Donna didn’t want to either. We had a sitter watch Holly for a while, but she needed to go home when it got late. And I remember Donna kept telling me we couldn’t stay. I told her to go home, and I’d be back later...I was by my son’s side for three days before I finally came home. I reeked. I was exhausted. I was nearly fired...but I didn’t care. All I cared about was my son waking up.”
He sighed again. “I guess I just didn’t want you to worry, like I did. Every parent fears the worst when their kid’s in the hospital after an accident. I couldn’t help but worry,” he told her. “And I guess...you can’t help but worry about your father, huh?”
“No, I can’t,” Penny answered. “I lost my mom. Then my grandma. Then my grandpa...Then my uncle…" She paused, her vision becoming blurry. “Now my puppy, Sparkles…”
She inhaled sharply, wiping her eyes. “And I don’t even know if my friend, Nick, is still alive. I know Michelle was talking about what happened with him and the others when you were all eating...I just hope he’s okay. And right now, all I want is for my dad to be okay too —”
“I know, sweetie. I know,” Bobby told her. “He’s gonna make it through this. Don’t you worry. After all, he’s gotta keep his little punk girl happy,” he said, smiling.
Penny smiled back a little. “Thanks.”
“No problem, Pen—”
BLAM!
A gunshot rang out through the building — followed by two more gunshots.
Bobby and Penny quickly stood up, as Merle and Cher woke up, and everyone else piled into the living room.
“What’s happening? Milton asked.
“Is everyone alright?” Donna asked.
“Daddy, what’s happening?” Holly asked.
“I don’t know,” Bobby answered.
“You think more people got into the building?” Michelle asked.
“I don’t know. It sounded like it came down the hallway from the Jeffersons’ apartment. I better go check it out.”
“I’ll come with,” Penny told him.
“I can check it out, it’s okay. You can stay here if you want,” Bobby said.
“I don’t wanna stay here,” Penny replied. “If there’s someone in this building that could hurt us, I can’t let them.”
Bobby looked at her for a moment, before nodding. “Alright. I’ll go get my gun. You get your knife.”
“I’ll come, too,” Merle offered, groaning and clutching his side as he got up.
“Thanks, but we only have one gun. Me and Penny can check it out.”
“But I got ma blade,” Merle told him.
“I can come, too,” Cher said, trying to walk, before clutching her leg and muttering "shit!"
Penny went to her side, before Cher told her, "I'm okay, Penny. I'm okay."
“Look — both of you stay here, alright? Penny’s the most able-bodied right now, so she’ll come with me. But if something happens to us, I need you two here to help Donna and Milton protect the kids. Alright?”
“Alright,” Cher replied.
“Fine,” Merle told him.
As Penny was about to go to the door, Cher grabbed Penny’s arm gently.
“Be careful, okay?” Cher told her.
Penny nodded, before following Bobby to the door.
Bobby cracked open his apartment door, looking into the hallway. All he saw was darkness, silence filling the hall. He took out his flashlight, and his eyes followed its ray of light as far as it could go through the cracked opened door.
BLAM!
A fourth gunshot rang out from within the neighbor’s apartment down the hall.
That fourth gunshot echoed in Bobby's ears, his blood running ice cold, as it echoed throughout the rest of the building. His hand tightened around the door handle, sweat starting to form against it, as he contemplated looking out further into the hallway. “I didn’t see anything when I peeked out there, so...will it be safe to open the door further to check?” he wondered. “Or am I going to end up with a bullet in my head before I can even react?”
Then he shook his head. “No...Dammit, your family comes first. Now stop acting like a pussy, and do this!”
He inhaled deeply, then exhaled. “Alright...I can do this," he thought. "I just hope my family won’t have to bury Daddy tomorrow...”
He slowly cracked the door open further and further...his light going further down the hallway with each slight creak of the door’s hinges. His heart was pounding with each creak he heard...worrying that the intruders would hear it. He felt his heart racing faster and faster with each slow...cautious, yet painful second that passed...Before the light finally reached the end of the hall, revealing an empty hallway, much to Bobby’s surprise. He figured there would at least be more of them keeping watch outside the apartment in case anyone wanted to try a sneak attack on them when they came out, but...no one.
This did little to calm Bobby’s nerves though, as he knew there was still a threat waiting for him and Penny inside the Jeffersons’ apartment.
Bobby cautiously made his way out into the hall, hoping to make the floors creak as little as possible. He motioned Penny to follow him as he started to slowly and carefully move down the hall.
Once they made it to the door, Bobby motioned Penny to stay put for a moment, before putting his ear to the door. To his surprise...there was silence once again.
BLAM!
Until another gunshot rang out.
Bobby backed up from the door with his gun raised instinctively...before putting his ear back to the door, trying to listen for any footsteps. He opened the door slowly...making his way inside.
Penny followed him in, looking around the apartment cautiously. Bobby heard noises coming from the master bedroom. He leaned against the wall to the master bedroom, poking his head inside...before standing in the doorway motionless.
Penny noticed this, and walked over to Bobby. She looked inside the room, her eyes widening.
To their right, a young boy was lying on his side near the window...blood slowly pouring out of a bullet wound in his head.
And in front of them, an infected man was on the bed, devouring his wife’s innards. Dried tears stained her dead face, as fresh blood flowed out the back of her head and onto the blankets beneath her.
MaxTate,” Bobby muttered in disbelief.
Max slowly turned his head towards Bobby and Penny, growling as some of his wife’s intestines fell out of his mouth. He got off the bed, eyeing both of them hungrily.
He growled loudly —
BLAM!
He fell back on the bed, motionless, his blood staining the sheets now, too.
Penny looked over at his wife, noticing a gunshot wound to her head. “God…” she muttered. “Wha—what happened here? Why did they do this?”
Bobby looked over at the little boy — but could only do it for a brief moment. He sighed. “I guess they just...gave up. Mrs. Jefferson did...that’s for sure...” he said, eyeing the two bullet holes in Mr. Jefferson’s stomach.
He tried to look back at the child, but he didn’t have it in him to do it.
Bobby searched the room, finding the only gun in the room in Mrs. Jefferson’s hand. He picked it up, and shook his head. “I hate taking this. I really do. But...we do need more guns.”
“You keep looking around here,” Penny said. “I’ll look around the rest of the apartment.”
“Alright. I’ll let you know if I find any extra bullets. I’m sure there are more around here somewhere.”
Penny searched the kitchen, finding more knives, but that was about it. She checked the living room next, but couldn’t find anything of use to them in there. Penny checked the bathroom last, opening the door slowly.
She saw blood splattered on the floor.
She looked to her left, her eyes widening as she stared at a teenage boy with his head lying against the tile of the shower wall. She saw his mouth blown out, and a revolver fallen to his side.
Penny covered her mouth in horror.
She then heard faint breathing coming from him. He slowly opened his eyes, and looked around slowly...before his dead gaze fell on her.
Penny shook her head, trying not to cry, as she clenched her knife tightly.
Before he could even move, she drove her knife deep into his temple, stabbing him even harder a second time to make sure he was put to rest.
As she looked down at his gun, she thought about her family. She wiped a tear from her eye, before taking a deep breath and deciding to take his gun.
After closing the door to the bathroom, she went to the kitchen, and wiped the blood off the gun with some paper towels. She checked each chamber, finding only one of them empty. “This...would be more than enough...” she thought to herself, as she stared at the gun closely, her other hand trembling a little.
When she heard Bobby’s footsteps coming towards the door of the main bedroom, she tucked the gun underneath her shirt and behind her back.
“I found a box of pistol ammo that’s half full, and a small box with a couple of revolver rounds left in it. You find anything?”
“...Nothing useful. Unless you want their kitchen knives.”
“Nah. We’ve got enough if we decide to leave,” Bobby replied, looking towards the bathroom. “Hey...When you checked the bathroom...did you find the other boy in there? Or did he run away?” Bobby asked her.
Penny stared at him a bit nervously.
“I forgot they had another kid,” Bobby told her. “He was always too damn shy to talk to anybody. Always liked to hide in his room from people.”
“I…” She shook her head. “I think his mother shot him. Maybe that was the first gunshot we heard.”
“Hm...maybe,” he responded. “You know...This was a damn shame. Me and Donna were friends with them for a while when we meet them here a couple weeks ago. I know that doesn't seem like a long time, but nowadays...it feels so much longer than that. Our friendship was going good until I got pissed at ‘em...for not helping me clear these damn apartments out. I just wanted to make sure both our families were safe, but...Max was afraid of gettin' bit and having his kids grow up without a father to protect them. And Tate didn’t want to risk their kids losing her either. So...I told them I’d take care of it on my own, because unlike them, ‘I care about both our families...not just mine,’” he said with regret in his voice.
Bobby sighed again...shaking his head. “We rarely talked after that. He and his family just...went about their business in here, while me and my family went about our own business. I ended up clearing out most of the apartments by myself. But after two of those freaks nearly got me, I realized I couldn’t do it by myself anymore. I couldn’t have Donna help me out, because we needed a doctor in case something ever happened to any of us. That only left Milton, and man — was that a shit storm. The first (and only) time he came with me to help clear the other apartments, he freaked out — and nearly got himself bit. After that, I said ‘no more’, and we haven’t cleared any of the other apartments since. You can hear faint groaning from the few apartments left that I didn’t clear, if you put your ear up to those apartment doors…” he said, staring at the Jeffersons’ apartment door.
“I just never thought I’d have to clear out this apartment, too. The Jeffersons...Tate especially...were on the more hopeful side of things the last time we talked. They said it was just a matter of time before the military figured this out and would come rolling in, and help get any survivors out of here to safety somewhere else; somewhere safer than Atlanta was supposed to be. ‘Course that never happened. I guess Tate realized it was never gonna happen, and she just...gave up.”
Bobby ran his hand down his face, exhaling deeply. “Just goes to show you, Penny...even the most hopeful of people can give up in the end.”
“Yeah…” Penny replied softly, sighing, too. She tightened her trembling hand. “I guess they do.”
When everyone went back to sleep, Penny stared down at her father, as she held his hand tightly. She sighed in despair...letting go of his hand. She was tired...She was weak...
She was done.
She went to the bathroom with four candles and some matches, locking the door behind her. She lit each of the candles, setting two down on the floor on either side of her, and the other two down on either side of the sink. Penny looked at her face, her tears reflecting the light of the candles, as they flowed down over her bruises. She then let her back fall against the wall, and she sank down to the floor, sobbing into her knees.
She inhaled sharply, trying to hold her tears in, but she couldn’t.
“It’s all my fault…” she thought. “Uncle Will dying...Sparkles dying...Daddy being so hurt...And what that guy did to me…”
Her knuckles turned white. “Why am I so weak...? Why?”
She kept sobbing, starting to choke up.
“Why am I so pathetic…?” she asked herself, coughing as she cried.
As her eyes became puffy and red, she felt behind her...pulling out the revolver.
She looked up at the ceiling, and beyond it. “You know…” she said quietly. “I don’t know why the world came to be the way it is...but if you’re up there...Mommy...God...whoever...don’t be mad at me for this, okay? Please — please don’t be mad at me for this. Daddy, Merle, Michelle, Bobby...everyone here is gonna be better off without me here, okay? It’s better this way...I know it is. All I’ve ever done is get those I love either hurt or killed…”
She started sobbing again. “It’s better this way...I just know it…”
She made sure there was a bullet in the chamber, pulling the hammer back on the gun after.
Penny started shaking...strong shivers going down her spine as she wept. She felt so cold.
She tried to control her breathing, her hand shaking as she started to aim the gun towards her head, whimpering when she finally had the gun to her temple.
She held her finger on the trigger...trying to squeeze it. Trying to end it. Trying...to make sure she’ll never hurt anyone she loves again.
She tried to pull it, but her body froze up. Her finger trembled against the trigger. She was so close. All she had to do...was squeeze it.
She started to breathe rapidly, deciding to just squeeze it.

But she couldn’t. She just couldn’t.
Penny continued shaking like crazy, pushing the hammer back on the gun, and putting it down. The shivers shooting down her spine were replaced by nausea in her stomach. She immediately went to the bucket, vomiting hard into it.
When she was all done, she fell back against the wall, sobbing hard into her knees once again. “I’m not even brave enough to kill myself to save my friends, and Daddy...What’s wrong with me?”
After about ten minutes, Penny wiped her tears away, blowing her nose into some toilet paper and throwing it in the bucket. She then went into the kitchen to grab a water bottle, swishing around some water in her mouth before spitting it out in the sink.
She stared down at the sink in defeat. “I couldn’t do it...What now?” Penny thought.
“Hey, munchkin,” Nick said to her.
Her eyes widened in surprise — turning around — only to see nothing was there.
She realized that Nick was elsewhere. He was inside her head. She remembered that day when he and the others left to find a safe zone in Virginia. She remembered that his smile had faded after he greeted her.
Gi...Give me a hug,” he had said, trying not to tear up.
She had embraced him tightly.
This...This might be the last time you see us, Penny,” Nick had told her.
What?” she had asked worriedly. “Why?”
“We just...we never know what’s gonna happen,” he had said honestly. “But, hey, hey, hey…”
She remembered him holding on to her shoulders, as she tried to keep herself from crying.
“In case this is the last time we see each other...I need you to do one last favor for me, okay?”
“Wh–what’s that?” She had asked, beginning to sob.
“No matter what, you need to stay strong. You can’t let this world get to you, you understand? You can’t let it drag you down, or you may never get back up. Just listen to Philip, and any friends you make along the way. They will comfort you through the rough times. And...just remember that I’m always with you right here.” He had pointed to her heart. “Okay, munchkin?”
Just like she did then, she wiped the tears in her eyes away.
“...Okay.” She had hugged him tightly again. “I love you, Nick.”
“I love you, too, Penny,” he had told her, kissing her cheek sweetly.
Penny smiled warmly at the memory, and the thought of her dear friend.
As she thought about his words, she looked over at her father in the moonlit living room. She walked back over to him, kneeling down, and placing her head back on his chest.
She eventually fell asleep, still waiting. Waiting for her father to finally wake up.
But as she waited, she now understood that even though he wasn’t awake to help her, he was still helping her. And he was doing so just by being there; by being alive and safe.
And that in itself was very comforting to his baby girl.
Five hours later, the sun began to rise. Penny was using her father’s chest as her pillow as she slept. But she started to squirm a little in her sleep, feeling the calm rising and falling of her father’s chest cease. She opened her eyes, looking at her father’s unmoving chest. Her head rose up in concern. “Daddy?” she asked worriedly, shaking him with her hand on his shoulder.
He didn’t respond.
Daddy?” she repeated, shaking him harder.
He still wasn’t responding.
Tears started rolling down Penny’s cheeks again, and she turned her head to scream for help — when she suddenly heard coughing.
She turned her head back to her father, his hand on his chest, as he coughed.
Penny was speechless...as she stared at her father, who coughed hard a few more times. “Jesus,” he muttered, coughing again.
As he cleared his airway, Penny began to cry again. Only this time...her tears were tears of joy.
When Philip stopped coughing, he looked at his daughter, who could only say, “Daddy…”
She hugged him tightly, crying tears of joy into his chest.
Philip wasn’t sure what was going on, but he couldn’t pass up a hug from his baby, so he gladly hugged her back.
Merle, Cher, and the others began to wake up from Penny’s crying, and saw Philip hugging her. They looked on in silence, wanting her to enjoy the first happy moment she’s had in days.

Notes

SPOILER WARNING: If you came straight to this section for the three announcements, please go back, and read this chapter first, because I'm gonna discuss spoilers first. Thanks!

Just like the last chapter, this chapter was incredibly difficult to write, because I wanted to portray Penny nearly killing herself as realistically as possible. Two things helped me with accomplishing this. One, being incredibly exhausted like Penny was in the drafting phase of that scene. I'm a night owl, but one night, I was so tired that all I wanted to do was crawl into bed, and sleep. But I figured: why not use this exhaustion to portray Penny more realistically? She's a physically and emotionally exhausted character, after all. And so, I wrote out the majority of the scene when I was having a hard time keeping my eyes opened, and it actually worked out well! And two, tapping into how I felt when I was really close to the end, myself. For several years, I was exhausted all the time, I was in physical and emotional pain all the time, and I had some other personal issues that I don't want to go into. And after several years of dealing with all of that, when I decided that I was going to end it all, I was shivering, and trembling so badly, and I was really scared. But at the same time, I felt that it had to be done, because I felt it was better that way; I felt that it was better for the people around me, who I cared about, to not have to risk getting hurt by me in some way. But the way I got out of that night alive (and out of that pain), was through remembering how many people cared, and how hurt they would be by my passing. And because I had remembered those things to escape my own pain, I decided to work in Nick’s last conversation with Penny, as it had elements of friendship, and caring for each other in there.

Now, I have two announcements:

The first announcement is that how many chapters that I still have planned for this story. I feel that if you have made it this far, then you deserve to know how many are left. There are still a lot to go, but here it is: there are 22 chapters left, so that means the story should end around Chapter 75. Believe it or not, I actually condensed the updated plot outline I made. If I wanted to stretch it out, it could end at Chapter 85 or Chapter 90, but that won't happen. I believe the amount of chapters I have chosen will keep the pacing going nicely in the later chapters. I added five chapters to the new plot outline, but it was originally going to end on Chapter 74. However, since an extra chapter would allow me to do a chapter centered on a finale (and it would be a milestone chapter), I decided to add one more chapter. Now, I'm not guaranteeing that it'll end at 75 (because certain chapters might have to be split in half if they're too long), but I can guarantee that there will be at least enough chapters to make it to that point.

The second announcement is that Chapters 54 and 55 will be lighter in tone. They will still have sad moments, but they will not have disturbing moments of any kind, like the three chapters before them.

With that said, thank you so much for reading, and the warning at the top is more for people with thoughts of suicide, so I hope you can understand. I didn't want anyone to become more tempted to end their life after reading that detailed scene. I know it ends happy, but I just wanted to take extra caution with it. Anyway, be sure to check the main page of this story for updates on chapter releases. I'll try to update that section weekly if I feel the need to.
Bye-bye!!!

Comments

I'm gonna read this evenually. I've already gave a good vote cause I know it will be good. So, far I like the dog the best. Sparkles is cute!

What terrible things did you do?

Anonymous Anonymous
7/20/17

So, apparently, I think there is a LIMIT on the amount of characters I can put in the character listings. I'm not sure why that is, but I will try and see if I can get the administrators to fix that.

Old Snake Old Snake
3/27/16

On a less annoying and jerk troll note, I am thankful for all the views this story has recieved :)
We are less than 1,500 views away from 10,000. I'm so excited!!! :)

Old Snake Old Snake
1/19/16

@Punished Snake
SOMETIMES WE HAVE TO DO THINGS WE DON'T WANT TO. F**K CENSORY

Lolly Lolly
1/19/16