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I Will Follow You Into The Dark

Chapter 97

~Author’s Note: Well, this chapter is probably the fluffiest I have written in a long time...probably sappy too, but I needed it, and Beth and Daryl needed it. The prison has been the planned conduit for these moments for Daryl and Beth, things they needed and wanted to say. I really love the prison era and wanted to call back to it. I have been waiting to write these simple moments of revelation for a long time, and Daryl thought about some of these things way back at the beginning of this fic. Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoy.~



Beth realized during her song...the fact that she chose that song in the first place, and the lyrics that made her lose her voice...If you share my bed, you share my name...she realized why Daryl had been so awkward with her at her cell. It was because of the feelings and realities of the past that cropped up here. Daryl had been man enough to confess a truth to her she’d never known or even imagined. Maybe he hadn’t been in love with her...he definitely hadn’t been in love with her when they lived here, but he’d had feelings for her...felt differently about her than anyone else. And all she had said was Oh... before he retreated. He’d been uncomfortable...shy even...because they were on unequal footing. But she had her own truths to tell; he didn’t need to be vulnerable and alone because of what he’d confessed...what he’d felt.

Testing her ring, twisting it around her finger, feeling it warm to her skin, back where it belonged, Beth didn’t know where to start...just avoiding. She had never acknowledged the giddy girly crush...never really had the chance to because they went from nothing to so much more. And before they were alone, there was no place for what she felt. Now her tongue was just as tied as Daryl’s was. Still facing his direction but not able to face him, Beth looked instead to where her feet were planted in the mattress beside his, marveling at just how big his were...how tiny hers seemed resting close by them, knees drawn up. Both their boots were worn and dusty...she dared anyone to walk a mile in their shoes. Although their paths had separated them for a time, they walked side by side all along in their fight for life, a perseverance that led them back to each other. His laces were shredding, and she could barely make out the pink and blue embossed hearts and arrows and flowers on hers that once made them so prissy and frivolous she could hardly believe her eyes when she opened the brightly wrapped package on Christmas morning. The pretty detailing was still there, the boots were just older, tougher, stronger...it was still there; she was still there...a touch of innocence, something she would never let go. That gave her fingers a task to focus on instead of fidgeting...tracing the patterns...an arrow; it was just like a crossbow bolt. She had never noticed that before.

Damn it! Still at loss for words, going to pick at the threads around the hole in the knee of her pants...except there was no imperfection in these jeans.

“Hmmph...” a nervous giggle, Beth rolling her eyes and shaking her head at herself.

“What?” Daryl was trying to ferret out the amusement after such a solemn moment...the return of her ring...his eyes focused so sharply on her, not unkind, but she still couldn’t look at him for long.

She couldn’t really explain what she was feeling either...just nerves, and it unintentionally came out wrong.

“I was so pissed at you when you left...when you never came back from Woodbury because of Merle. I mean, I got it...he was your brother and all...they wouldn’t let you bring him back. And you went there after Maggie and Glenn. You were so selfless in that...but you didn’t come back. And I was scared...for me, for Judith who hadn’t had a chance at life yet, scared to lose the safe place we just found and fought so hard for...scared of what the Governor would do to me...not just kill me...what he almost did to Maggie...”

Everyone knew what Maggie went through without her having to utter a word, but she told Beth...her sister...when they were still each other’s comfort. They had cuddled in bed together like they used to when they were children one night Glenn drew watch and Maggie was still very much affected. Maggie needed her...told her the horrors.

Glancing up to him, there was a sorry on Daryl’s lips, but she wouldn’t let him say it. There were no apologies needed. She probably shouldn’t have said as much as she did, and none of that was the point of it all...she needed to get out what she actually wanted him to know.

“And then there you were, just in the nick of time when the Governor attacked, saving Rick from all those walkers ganging up on him outside the fences. When you came back and brought Merle, you gave us all a chance against the Governor. You made us strong. We got to keep our home, if just for a little while. We needed that. I needed that...”

So I'm gonna start writing in you again. And I'm gonna write this down now because you should write down wishes to make them come true. We can live here. We can live here for the rest of our lives.

She had been so naive then, still scribbling in a journal about her thoughts, her hopes and dreams, but she was grateful to Daryl for that too. Because of him, she got to keep that innocence, that belief just a little bit longer. He preserved the world for her.

“And then...I remember singing. I’ve sung this song before...Hold On...”

“I know.” He wasn’t bragging...wasn’t lying either. Daryl didn’t lie. He was just stating.

But how did he remember these things...the pink sweater, the song...an extraordinary memory...or was it just in regards to her?

“I remember the first time I heard you sing too. First night here...out in that yard. I was comin’ back from watch...couldn’t tell you the name of the song, but your voice...I’ll never forget that. Like a cool drink on a sweltering Georgia summer day. And you were all lit up by the flames of the camp fire...”

She couldn’t focus on his praise or she would get lost in him.

“That night here in the cellblock...” Continuing her confession... “everyone was thinking about the Governor and what his next move was gonna be...his retaliation worse than his attack. But they were all trying to act normal, so I sang. I tried not to, but I looked over at you...you were this bred in the bonehero...”

“I’m not a hero. Wasn’t then neither. Just did what anyone would’ve.” Daryl was quick to deny, but then Beth didn’t expect anything different from him.

“And that makes you hero...a true hero...one who doesn’t want to be...doesn’t need the glory. You do it because it’s right, and because you’re a protector.” Beth knew the cynic in him wanted to argue her on it, but the Daryl who loved her accepted. “You were this hero, just standing there...right down there...leaned up against the wall next to Rick and my Dad, arms crossed over your chest...”

Grazing her teeth over her lips...remembering...arms that yet to hold her then but were all hard chiseled muscle, taut skin that had been covered in a sheen of sweat from fighting, the days still warm...

“...and I was...I mean...everything could’ve crumbled around us in a second, our whole world torn asunder, but you came back, our family was whole again, and in those quiet moments, I could hear my own voice...it let me feel like we might actually get to live. And I chanced looking up at you...all these foolish romantic fantasies running through my head...things I knew that would never happen. I looked up at you...feeling those lyrics deep inside... If you share my bed, you share my name...part of me wishing...” All flushing and blushing and embarrassed. “And you...you were looking at me too...”

“I was.” Instead of rebuffing her, denying, or avoiding, Daryl confirmed her timid observation. “I was entranced by you...like some siren, except you weren’t trying to lure me to my death. Your intentions were all pure. You were like this little bit of hope locked away.” So soft...his voice was so soft and reflective with just a hint of gravel that he could never banish in moments like this...gave away everything he was feeling.

Daryl was calm now...with each word she spoke, he became more at ease. Part of her purpose, to banish his anxiety, succeeded.

“And then after...when we started to build a life...a community...people loved you. They worshipped you like you were some rock star...and how could they not? You protected us, you hunted, you led runs, you brought people in, you were on the council...you were so brave and strong and handsome...”

Beth scrunched her forehead, cringing even as she said it...embarrassed...never having anyone to talk to about these crushes...feelings. She was just waiting to hear Daryl’s cynical pfft followed by the denial of every one of her innermost thoughts that she expressed. But no, there he was sitting across from her, head tilted back against the wall, a crooked half-grin...it so reminded her of his I’m a dick when I’m drunk smile...catching the corners of his lips. And he wasn’t even drunk, at least not on moonshine.He wasn’t fighting it either. He was just taking it all in.

“And I was just a silly little girl. The only reason you even paid attention to me was because we were all like family; we all lived in the same cellblock. Zack...he was the only boy who ever noticed me...the only one who seemed to want to be around me...just me, and I needed that. People barely knew I was alive.”

Leaned forward now, elbows resting on his knees, Daryl was so close she could’ve reached out and kissed him.

“I never thought you were a silly little girl. You were a young woman, a survivor. I saw how hard you fought here...for the prison, to keep Judith alive. You called Rick on hesitating on going up against the Governor to get Glenn and Maggie back; you were the first one to stand up with me to go on that rescue mission. I didn’t ignore things like that. You were stronger than you ever gave yourself credit for. Stronger than anybody ever gave you credit for.” Daryl reached out and brushed her cheek affectionately. She needed to know that-all of it. “You’ve got spirit, Beth, like no one I’ve ever met.”




Settling back against the wall again, the distance between them didn’t matter... ‘cause it wasn’t distance. They were talking. He could see her. He wanted to see her. The flickering light of the lantern caught her pretty face, a warm radiance cast over skin that was usually so unearthly fair. She didn’t belong to this world, but she belonged to him. And it was easier now just talking. It didn’t feel like a confession anymore. Telling truths he’d wanted her to know for a long while, hearing things from her...steady now because...well, it was easy to talk to her knowing he wasn’t alone in feeling something before. That she was feeling the exact same anxiety in telling him...now maybe they could just be honest, realizing there was nothing to be ashamed of. Some of the things she said though made him redden...the thought he was handsome...no one ever thought that about him, a greasy, shaggy redneck. A freaking celebrity...people worshipped him...pfft...that was just ridiculous. It wasn’t a high school popularity contest where he was BMOC at the prison. People only cared ‘cause he helped them out, brought a lot of ‘em in, got food and supplies. No one outside their group’s cellblock actually got anywhere close to knowing him enough to like him; they only knew as much as he allowed which was very little at that. Still, her assertions made hischeeks burn. Brave...like he said, he didn’t do nothin’ that anybody wouldn’t have, or if he did, it was because he didn’t have anything of his own to lose back then except his life, and that had little enough value as it was...thought it only meant something to him...was worth more as a sacrifice. He knew better now. But she thought he was brave, and he would take it all and hold it in his heart. Weren’t these the things that any man wanted his woman to think or him whether it was the truth or not?

Maybe he was getting ready to say too much, but he remembered Rick prompting him to just talk to her, imparting the wisdom that that’s what they...women...wives...wanted. Daryl remembering too the long weeks...months of their separation and how many times out of habit he’d open his mouth to speak to her just to awaken to the devastating reality that she wasn’t there...how many things he wanted to tell her that he never got to, begging for one more chance.

“And it wasn’t that I didn’t notice you back then. It’s just that when we first got here...up ‘til...for a very long time...well, I was so focused on surviving. Not just me surviving...everyone else too. That’s how it was...how it had always been, always just thinking about survival. I hadn’t started thinking ‘bout living or that there was any difference between the two yet. Never really had before either...never seemed like it was in my cards. I just had to play the hand I was dealt. But that night you sang sittin’ right down there...none of it mattered...surviving, living, dying. It was just you and that song...a moment’s respite...a different world where nothing else existed. Hell, I didn’t even know if I existed. And I didn’t even care that you caught me looking.”

Here he was, waxing all poetic, but Beth...her little hmmph, almost a giggle, warmed him and fortified him. He could be one of those men who said all the right things because they were coming from an honest heart.

“Then the shit hit the fan again...the Governor...losing Merle...just back to surviving. It wasn’t ‘til I saw you...actually saw you kissing another guy that everything started to change...flipped some sort of switch in me, seeing you with...” Zack. Zack was a good kid, but that didn’t mean that some indefinable force in him didn’t wanna strangle the boy...hadn’t understood why then.

And Beth just let him keep on talking like he needed; it was all flowing out now smooth as whiskey.

“I didn’t realize for a long while it was jealousy gnawing at my gut...but it was, and I had no right to be jealous. And I had no right to come to you that night after the Big Spot... ‘cause I wasn’t coming because of him...for Zack’s sake, or ‘cause it was my responsibility to him, but for you...a responsibility I felt toward you. Glenn offered, but I shot him down right off...I don’t even know what got in me. Knowing now, it was for me.”

Beth nodded, accepting and understanding, not saying a word or judging.

“And when you hugged me, I wasn’t ready for that. No part of me was ready for that, but I felt. My heart was frantic...somewhere caught between fluttering and aching...wanting and knowing I couldn’t have what I wanted, just trying to be a decent man.”

Pausing...it was a lot to process on his part.

“I started to see you different after that...not that there was time to see you or think on it all that much with everything that went down, but I was thinking on you in the quiet moments...all confused. Nothin’ would’ve happened if things didn’t shake out like they did. I would’ve never...because of you...who you were-a good girl; and your Dad, I respected him; and ‘cause of who I was. I would’ve done the right thing...kept it all locked away inside because I was...Nobody. Noth...”

“No...stop. Don’t say it.” She wasn’t chastising him. Wasn’t commanding him. Just pleading with him not to bring up a past that didn’t have to exist anymore.

“When things went sideways, it was back to survive again...but the feelings never went away. They just got even more confused, and I didn’t understand ‘em to start with. I was pissed and broken because I failed. I lashed out at you...didn’t know what to do...and I didn’t know what to do with those feelings.” Was he sounding like a broken record...saying the same thing over and over again, trying to explain himself differently as if she didn’t already understand. “I’ve never been the kind of person to have a passing fancy, but I think the man I am...it became real when we were out there alone and all I wanted to do was protect you. I wanted to protect you more than anyone else; I would’ve sacrificed anyone or anything for you. That’s when things changed...everything changed because I didn’t just want you to survive...I didn’t just wanna protect you, I wanted to make you happy. I wanted you to be happy with me.”

Daryl had to take a good long breath after that one, an admission that at one point in his life would’ve knocked the wind outta him, but now it left him smiling...and he could feel it deep because it was the truth of who he was.

“I am happy with you...” She came to him, cuddling close, arms folded up against his chest, nuzzling her face into his hair. He could feel her lips at his neck...not kissing, just there on his skin, her steady breath warm and comforting. He was happy too.

“Can we just stay here a few more days...or forever?”

He heard her words. He felt her words...the tingles on his skin rising as she spoke, rippling all the way down his spine, but touching him more inside. Daryl couldn’t quite put his finger on the way she sounded...maybe a dreaminess in that lyrical voice...like she was caught in a beautiful fantasy. He wanted to live in that fantasy with her. What she was asking, it was easy enough to make it reality.

“We can stay. We can go. I’ll take you wherever you want. I’ll follow you...” His heart was aching for somewhere though...the place where they belonged, wishing she would just say it...ask...home...Rick’s words reverberating in his head.

You’ve gotta let her know that her life there isn’t gone, that she still has a home there waiting for her.

Just on the verge of saying it...so close he could taste its sweetness on his tongue...I wanna take you home...when he said it, it would be real...

“I just...I wanna go back...” It was a punch to the gut, what he wanted not mattering one bit anymore.

The sudden shift in Beth, the depression that so quickly stole her joy and hung over her like a darkening cloud, Daryl didn’t understand it. Maybe she was exhausted. It was all so much. He pushed her too hard too soon, bringing her back here for his own sake...to ease his own conscience. But he couldn’t help feeling more than a littlecrestfallen. Daryl wished he could have hidden it better, his sigh and shoulders slumping in defeat...didn’t wanna make her feel bad, but he couldn’t help feeling either.

“We’ll head back first thing in the morning. I just thought...it was stupid...thought we could spend a few nights away from everything...everyone.” All he could do was apologize.

“No. Not there.” Daryl couldn’t tell if Beth was crying, but she was distressed. “I don’t wanna go back there. I want to go home...whatever’s left of it, I want to go home.”

Home. She finally said it. A single word that rocked him, a shudder wracking the entirety of him. Beth pulled in tighter, slipping her slender arms around his sides as if to comfort him, but he didn’t need the comfort. All he needed was that word from her lips. How long had she been holding onto this...this want? How long had she been torturing herself with the idea that their chance was gone?

“Home. We can go back...it’s right there waitin’ for us.”






After dark fell and just the golden yellow glow of the kerosene lamp lit their small space...they were their own beacon in the darkness...

After her song...

After all their confessions...

After the ring...after Daryl slipped her wedding ring back on the finger where it belonged...they were a pair again...

After...

The calm nurtured them, snuggled in a place that seemed all their own. Daryl always said she was his anchor, but he was her serenity too. Was this what he had been like at the prison in his quiet moments? Who was he then? In the short time they spent their life together...alone and secluded, this was her Daryl.

“Can we just stay here a few more days...” Beth wasn’t ready to give him up or share him, just wanting to preserve their state of quiet contentment. “...or forever?” The first was a reality she knew Daryl wouldn’t deny her...a few days. He didn’t have the will to say no to her. The last was a fantasy that could never be...leaving everything else behind...could it?

“We can stay. We can go. I’ll take you wherever you want. I’ll follow you...” His sincerity clung to every single syllable.

I’ll follow you...and Beth knew he would, but the prison wasn’t their place either even if this was where it all started, Beth biting back her tears because everything wasn’t okay. Her heart couldn’t have what it wanted, and even Daryl couldn’t fix it. She couldn’t pretend even as he drew her closer. A mass of melancholy more immense than Beth’s slight body could bear crept its way into her...a selfish sadness.

She had Daryl; his life was more than she could ever pray for...but sadness because of the life they lost. She missed the Daryl who didn’t have to fight...knowinghe would never really put down his crossbow...would never really bite his sharp tongue that cut so deeply to defend her, but she didn’t want him to always have to. Everything in their new place of existence just felt so foreign...so complicated, and she...they hadn’t even really lived there. Simple...was it too much to ask for a simple life? That’s what she longed for so badly. Everything else was just so exhausting...so much...

“I just...I wanna go back...”

Disappointment maybe...maybe just discontent...Daryl’s sigh, he wasn’t holding his emotions in or maybe he couldn’t anymore. “We’ll head back first thing in the morning. I just thought...it was stupid...thought we could spend a few nights away from everything...everyone.”

“No...” Beth was on the verge of whiney now. Daryl wasn’t understanding her at all. “Not there...I don’t wanna go back there...” The Preserve...a place for an endangered species, that wasn’t where they belonged, both their spirits and hearts too wild and strong. “I want to go home...whatever’s left of it, I want to go home.”

No matter how childish...how bratty or naïve...even knowing Daryl had been back there, she needed to see for herself...see if they could salvage a life there. That was their home, and she would never be able to get the fantasy of the life they could have had there out of her head unless she saw for herself. And it must have been bad, what he saw there...when he went home searching for her, not just the fact that he never told her, but now, feeling the shudder where she was pressed to him. Beth hugged him close, ashamed of herself for letting her own self-centered desires hurt Daryl...making him feel like a failure when he was so prone to feeling inadequate...reminding him of something he couldn’t give her again. But the rise and fall of his chest against her breasts steadied, his fingers lingered idly in the ends of her hair, a breath catching in his lungs as if he was holding onto something as his and only his for just one more precious moment...something good...

“Home. We can go back...it’s right there waitin’ for us.”

It wasn’t her strength that pinned Daryl against the wall when she slammed her palms into his chest, it was that he wasn’t expecting it, although it did elicit a surprised humph.

Confused emotions stole Beth’s senses.

Pissed. Home...they could go back and Daryl didn’t take her there? He kept it from her...pissed enough she could’ve slapped him, but she would never raise a hand to him again.

Joy quickly quelled the anger. Everything they had before was still within their reach...why wouldn’t he just tell her?

Understanding...knowing Daryl better than anyone else ever would...he didn’t tell her because she didn’t ask. He would see it as making her make a choice between the family she’d been reunited with and him. He knew what her choice would be, and he didn’t want to be the one to rip her away from their group who was so settled in their new home.
Sadness because if home was standing, she knew just how much Daryl would have wanted to share that with her, but he couldn’t because he loved her more than himself.

But none of it mattered anymore.

Remembering that she wasn’t the only one there, seeing Daryl again, his usually narrow eyes wide, no doubt watching her experience the myriad of emotions each one stronger than the last...waiting just for her to say something...anything.

“Will you go home with me, Daryl Dixon.”

He nodded, lips closed tight...he was feeling too.

“When...tomorrow...?” Somehow Beth knew it was more complicated than that, but she was willing to try.

“In the spring...when the hard months are over...”

“No...” That was too long to wait...

“In the spring when I know that you are well, and I know life will be easy enough there for us. I’ll take you home when you’re better.” Daryl was unrelenting, and Beth knew that he meant to stand firm on it.

He wanted to go home just as much...maybe more than she did, but he thought his reasoning was right. Beth would let him believe that. She wasn’t going to fight with him. Not now. Not in this beautiful moment where what she thought was lost was within her reach. And if anyone could change his mind...persuade him...it was her; not even her charms, but just a simple plea for her happiness could sway Daryl’s resolve. Not tonight though. Nothing else mattered tonight. Not the when or the how, just that home was there waiting on them, just like Daryl said.

Notes

Comments

@Smokey85
Awww...thank you so much for coming back to read! You are amazing. I truly appreciate it!

Aireabella Aireabella
3/30/19

I am so happy you are back! I love your stories and always look forward to your updates! Thank you for sharing your work :)

Smokey85 Smokey85
3/26/19

@McDrogoInaNewWorld
So glad that you enjoyed it! It always makes my day when I can make people happy by doing what I love! Thank you so much!

Aireabella Aireabella
6/14/18

Yay!!! Another great chapter on the books, can’t wait to see what happens next!!

@blesdirishangel
Thank you so much for coming back to my fic and for your comment! I am glad that you love the update. You are amazing!

Aireabella Aireabella
6/7/18