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Kissing Death

Day 65

Morning - 9:48 (according to the hallway clock)

No one’s up yet. I hardly slept. I couldn’t shut my eyes for more than a few minutes. The only thing I could think about was the feeling of Rick’s skin against mine. I find it completely sad that, even when Rick makes love to me while he’s drunk, I still feel more passion from him than I feel from Jason.

There’s so much I wish I could say to Rick. But there’s no time for that. Especially when Lori’s around. Plus, he was never mine to begin with. I’ll always be the woman in second place.

If I were to die today, I wonder if it would matter to him. God knows if he truly meant that he loves me.

This hallway feels colder than ever. Maybe I just got so used to the heat. Or perhaps it’s a sign that something bad is about to happen. I’ve had this kind of chill before--the moment before my mother was eaten alive.

Someone just opened their door. It’s T-Dog.

Late Afternoon

My hands are still trembling from this morning. The CDC is gone. And we almost went with it. We weren’t overrun--the place went up in flames.

The CDC was down to it’s last fuel barrel and that would result in a decontamination of the entire building. We then learned that the place was in lockdown mode. Jenner locked us in the viewing room and tried to convince us that it was better to give in to death.


Just before he locked us in, he showed us a visual of Test Subject 19 reanimating. Only the brain stem reanimates. The part of the brain that makes us unique does not come back. Our brains are turned into animalistic machines.

Test Subject 19 was Jenner’s wife. Hearing that was a shock to all of us.

Daryl and Shane were the most infuriated over being locked in. Shane almost shot Jenner’s head off. If Rick hadn’t stopped him, we would’ve never left that building.

After Rick convinced Jenner to open the doors, I hesitated. I noticed that Andrea was staying behind and Jacqui was telling T-Dog that to die was the only thing that made sense.

Jason looked back at me and shook his head. “You’re not staying,” he said. “Let’s go.”

“Emily,” T-Dog said, reaching his hand out. “Come on. Don’t do this.”

“I’m sorry,” I told him. I didn’t dare to look at Jason.

Suddenly--and I don’t remember how--Rick was standing inches from me. “You’ll be sorry once you realize that you’ve made the wrong choice.”

“Do you even remember what you said to me last night?” I whispered.

“Of course I do. I love you.”

I began to sob at that moment and shook my head. “No, you don’t.” I pressed this journal against his chest and begged him to take it with him.

“Emily, please,” he held his hand out to me and pushed the journal away. I could tell he wanted to kiss me by the way he gazed into my eyes, but he stood still. “I do.”

I took his hand and he led me back to the group at the doorway. At the corner of my eye, I could see Jason watching Rick like a hawk hovering over it’s next kill. We all watched Dale try to reason with Andrea and he demanded that we go ahead of him.

We rushed into the lobby and realized the windows were bulletproof. Carol brought forth a grenade that she found in Rick’s laundry. The blast was ear-shattering, but it worked. We all carefully escaped through the broken window.

Dale and Andrea left the building, with only seconds until it was set to detonate. Everyone took cover as the building exploded, feeling the heat of the flames.

I pressed myself to the back wall of the RV while our caravan drove away. I remember not being able to fully breathe and I collapsed to the floor.

I woke up in the RV’s bed with Jason beside me. “You okay?” he asked. He was holding my hand--squeezing it, actually. He leaned forward and kissed me on the forehead.

The RV was still in motion. I sat up and brushed my hair out of my face. There wasn’t much conversation between Jason and I. He tried to form small talk, but it turned dry.

He left my side when the RV came to a stop and I decided to write.

I don’t know if I can forgive him for what happened back at camp. He’s slapped me before, but never with such strength to knock me to the ground.

I should’ve left him long ago.

Nighttime

We stopped at a safe place for the night after reducing our caravan down to the RV, Daryl’s motorcycle and the Station Wagon.

I was keeping watch on top of the RV when Rick climbed up. “I need to talk to you,” he said, taking Dale’s rifle from me. He looked down at the tents below to watch for anyone that would see us.

“What the hell were you thinking?” he asked angrily.

I shot my eyes down to my feet. “I don’t know.”

“Do you have any idea what your death would have done to me?”

That question was one of the things that stuck in my head the most. I didn’t know how to answer it.

“Please,” Rick said. He took my hand and laced his fingers with mine. “Don’t ever do that to me again.”

I shoved him away. “Rick, you have a family,” I said curtly. “Don’t do this.”

He took a step away from me and gave me a baffled look. “My family didn’t get in the way before.”

“Well, it was all a mistake.” I hissed. “Everything. I should have never gotten involved with you.”

I regret saying that. The look on Rick’s face killed me inside. He handed Dale’s rifle back to me and climbed back down the ladder. I felt the guilt boil as I watched him enter his tent without looking back.

I wish I could have told him what I really wanted to say:

I love you.

Comments

This is really goood

I love this story! Please update!!! :)
Caren66 Caren66
9/24/13
Please write more! This is so brilliant and unlike the other fanfictions I've read :)
So rare to find a Rick based story ! And I'm so happy I found this one, the journal form is original and makes it even more special. You write really well and I'm addicted. I hope you'll update this soon :) thank you for such an amazing story !
I'm really liking this so far, I only just read chapter 2...but I'm usually on the look out for stories that are original and this one certainly is. Usually, I favor Shane or Daryl...but there are only so many ways to write about those two, so it's nice to get a change of pace with this pretty awesome story. Can't wait to read more :D