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We Were Born to Die.

Twenty Four.

I watched from a distance as Rick walked a few steps in front of Shane and Daryl. The latter, I noticed with anguish held a struggling bagged Randall in his arms, dragging him towards the barn.
I went to go forward, to try again and stop them. Dale had wandered off, no doubt upset, feeling let down, or like he had let Randall down.
But Glenn grabbed my arms lightly, stopping me, “Please, you can’t do anything, let it go Ariella.” I closed my eyes tight before turning to him.

“You were supposed to back us up.” I was irritated my voice was tearful, full, throat clogging with my words. He frowned, for a second looking disappointed with himself, pulling me into his chest as we waited for the gun shot.

He was shaking.

But, it never came and after a few tense long minutes Glenn let go of me and I turned, Maggie across the porch offering me a small smile.

“What the...?” Carol began and I looked in her direction, Daryl was dragging Randall back to the building by the house he had been kept in, Shane and Rick leaving the barn with Carl in tow.
This was the second time Carl had managed to sneak into where Randall was.
Both time I had no idea what he said but I was so glad he had interrupted.

They finally reached the tents, Rick addressing me more than any of the others as he spoke “We’re keeping him in custody.” I felt a smile stretch across my face, Andrea turned to me, we were going to find Dale, tell him the good news.

I ignored Glenn as we walked past, still annoyed at him, watching the two Grimes embrace, Rick looking severe as he murmured to Lori, I frowned.

“Wonder where he went,” She muttered, after we had found the RV empty.

“He was upset the would have gone for a walk, not wanting to hear the shot.” I paused, “I’m glad you stuck up for him in there.” She nodded sighing.

“He was right, it isn’t fair...I should have been on your side all day.” I smiled slightly as we headed towards the fields, it taking a few minutes for my eyes to adjust fully to the darkness.

“He really cares about you, you know that?” She glanced at me, “He was telling me the other day, about how he met you and Amy, about how he felt that fatherly urge.”
“I know,” she seemed regretful, her tone odd, “When I think about the CDC I just...” She shivered visibly.

She paused, looking downtrodden but forcing a happier expression on her face.

“He likes you too, no-one else will sit there and listen to his rambles about literature, and your sensible, got your head on straight, that seemed to be a rare thing nowadays.” I shrugged,
“I enjoy it,” I told her, “He...he reminds me a bit of my granddad...Dale...Dale is a good man.”

She agreed, “And he proved that today.”

We were silent for close to a minute, as I began to grow annoyed at him, why had he wandered off so far? “Honestly, he’s such a pain....”
Then we heard the shouts for help, the shriek.
We froze for a second, the cogs turning, “Dale.” I said lowly, realisation hitting me as I rushed off through the fields, trying to work out where the sounds were coming from. They grew louder, a struggle, pain.

I pulled in front of Andrea, both of us sprinting, the torchlight’s from the others visible, one drew close to me, almost equal, Daryl.
There was a walker, pinning Dale down, “Daryl!” I shrieked and he ripped the walker from him quickly, I almost breathed a sigh of relief until I saw what was left.

I could never describe the feeling.
It was a burn, ripping through me, my throat, eyes, stomach, legs.

My heart broke.
My body was on fire.

I fell on my knees, there was a hole, a good six diameters, probably more.
The thing had ripped me open.
I felt the tears as I scrambled for his hands, tried to press against the wound, to see if there was some way, something I could do to close it up.
He was murmuring, shaking, muttering, he couldn’t form full words so I tore my bloody hands away, letting them both clasp over one of his.

Daryl shouted but it was a high ringing in my ears, Dale’s eyes meeting mine as I willed him to somehow repair this, to have a miraculous recovery.
There was no way anyone could fix this.

I felt the sobs strike, leaving me gasping as, after an eternity the others reached us.
Dale was going to die.

I heard Rick shout for Hershel, through my blurred eyes saw Andrea collapse on his other side, “Look at me,” She said, looking at me in a way that made me stop my tears, try to pull them back, he nodded mutely.

“You’re going to be fine.”
“Andrea,” I croaked, but she ignored me, keeping talking to him.
Hershel appeared, his eyes widening, horror filling them.

I had no doubt that this was it, this was Dale’s end.
I felt my eyes burn again.

“Can we move him?” Rick urged, his voice manic, everyone else silent.
“He wouldn’t make the trip.”


Rick jumped to what he thought was action, “Then we’ll do the operation here, Glenn, get back to the house and...”

“Rick!” Hershel urged, shaking his head, Rick letting out a roar, everyone finally understanding it all sinking it.
But I was numb, I couldn’t breathe.

Rick knelt beside me, gun in hand. Dale writhing in pain.

“He’s suffering,” Andrea choked out, “Do something!” Rick stood up, and a hard hand wrapped around my arm, pulling me up into a weak standing position, my knees unsteady, my heart was beating now, trying to rip through my chest.

He lifted his gun, the sobbing continuing from most people.

Rick held the gun, but it was shaking, aiming at Dale’s head who nodded as I kept my eyes clenched shut, not wanting my last memory of him to be this.
To be him telling me about winding up his watch, the stupid anecdote about his dad forgetting and not picking him up on time. I needed that, not this.

I felt Rick brush against me and opened them, wincing, as I saw what I knew would always be my last memory of Dale, pale, sprawled, a hole releasing his organs. I saw Daryl take the gun, and took a step back, I couldn’t see it, I couldn’t see this.

I went to run, to run until I couldn’t anymore, Dale dying wasn’t just Dale.
It was everyone.
Everyone I had seen dead was flashing in my eyes.

For the second time that evening Glenn caught me, wrapping his arms around me as I again began to sob, his own causing his chest to heave as he kept muttering one work ‘No.’
A shot was fired.

The only shot that was fired that night.
_______

I don’t remember how I got back into Daryl’s tent.

The shot, Glenn’s tears were the last clear thing I remember, everything else was a painful blur.
My head was pounding, my mouth dry, lips cracked. Swollen face stinging where the mass of tears had travelled down my cheeks.

It was colder than it had been, a shiver spreading over me.
Was this some kind of cruel irony?

Dale was the most moral person here, he was wise, he saw things others didn’t. How was it fair he had to die?

I sat up, I desperately needed water. After foraging down the side of the campbed I smiled a little, bringing it to my lips and downing the majority of the bottle. It was just growing light, grey.

I wanted the vodka, to drown it away like I had before, to erase it.
But nothing would chance what had happened.

Daryl was on the floor, wrapped in a thin blanket definitely not enough to keep him warm with the sudden cool weather. I was in the double sleeping bag we shared.

He must have brought me back.
I stood up slowly, I wanted comfort, I needed comfort.
And as mad as I was at him I needed Daryl.

He had been the one to kill Dale, to put him out of his misery.
He had his back to me but I knew he wasn’t asleep, how could he?

I leant down, trying to unwrap the blanket from under him so I could cover myself, “Can I lay with you,” I asked, my voice croaky, each syllable making me throat burn further.

He didn’t move and I felt new tears, rejection spring to my eyes. “Fine.” I went to stand, to leave the tent to...I didn’t know.

His hands moved quickly as he rolled, pulling me into him, my back against his chest, struggling in an almost comical way to get off the cover and place it over me.
That was, if things could ever be funny again, it didn’t feel like it.

His hand travelled over my waist, stretching until it landed on my own, embracing it softly, his skin as always rough against mine.”

I’m sorry,” He mumbled, pressing his lips on the back of my neck, “I’m sorry about everything, about Dale and...” I nodded, my throat contracting suddenly, Daryl saying his name outloud was too much and I began to choke of my sobs, Daryl’s arm over me holding me tighter, but saying nothing, letting me cry, whine, sob until I felt like I couldn’t anymore.

His grip never loosened for a second and the minute I stopped crying he turned me, my face in his chest, my fingers pitifully grabbing his arms as his own ran up and down my back. I sniffed, trying to change the subject.

Trying not to picture Dale in his last minutes.
“I didn’t like you today.” I said, lowly and with cracked words, muffled by his chest. I heard him swallow and knew he was biting his lip.

“I didn’t like myself much neither.”

He fell asleep soon after and I was left, drifting in and out of consciousness, every time I was more awake than asleep the tears hit me again, the images hit me again.

Visions of Dale lying there, torn open kept invading my head, mixing with images of Marc dead, Aaron dead, Naya dead. My brothers dead.

And with a heart stopping second, Daryl dying.

I turned around, stroking his face, observing him, the residue of tear marks was evident, he cared so much more than he would ever let on. I leant forward, pressing my lips against his quickly and lying back again as his eyes slowly opened.

“ Promise me you won’t die.” I whispered, such a childish thought but I needed to hear him,
“ I can’t promise ‘nothin.” he said, lifting his hand and brushing my hair out of my face, “ I’ll try though, ‘kay?” I gave him a small smile and he twisted, pulling me down so my head was on his chest once more.

“ I love you” I told him, it was the first time I had ever said that to him, running my fingers across his chest, his hand covered mine again.

“ I love you too”
____________________________

Another couple of hours passed and I continued to drift between consciousnesses.
I was unable to cry again.
I was numb again.

The sky was lighter and I could see more easily, the birds singing as if nothing had changed.
But everything had.

I scrambled from the blanket suddenly, taking another large gulp of water to stop the acid rising in my throat and passing into to Daryl, my face feeling swollen.

“Can we...can we talk about yesterday? Not last night I don’t even want to.... Just...why were...why were you?”

“A dick?” He offered, earning a slight nod from me, my finger finding their way to my mouth, my teeth nipping and shredding the nails.
The silence stretched a few minutes, blood seeping from the corner of one finger.

“Do you regret having feelings for me?” It was something that had been on my mind, and I was trying to push the larger, terrible issue to the back of it, to try and ignore it for the time being.

Like that would ever happen.

“T-dog told me you and Shane had an argument about me, and it’s just so hot and cold and I just...would it be easier if we stopped this?”

“ You are bullshitting me right now?” he asked, eyebrows raised, “It would be a hell of a lot easier if I didn’t have feelings for you! Of course it would, be less bullshit, less of people bugging me. But...” he paused and looked me straight in the eyes.

“I do, and I want to keep you safe and with me, I… forgot that yesterday, or I felt it more, I don’t give a fuck about a lot of people in that group, but I care ‘bout you and I will do anything to keep you safe.” his face was earnest, his voice honest. It still felt alien to me that he could have such a human side to him.

“I ent never cared about people much, but I love you, and I mean that, I’m not gunna let anyone hurt you.”

This comforted me a lot more than the first time he had said it.
He gestured for me to go back towards him and I did, his hand gently pulling mine from my mouth.
I didn’t want to have to deal with today.

I wanted it to pause, life to pause.

“I don’t want to go outside.” I whispered, Daryl’s hand rubbing mine soothingly.
“Gotta face reality sometime.” I nodded regretfully, biting my lip hard.

Images of him lying there, broken, his hand slowly loosing grip of mine….
I flinched, “What’s going to happen now?”
A part of me had always wanted to find my way back to California, to Huntingdon Beach, to my family.
That had been the original plan, back when there was a plan.

There didn’t seem to be a plan at the minute, I could only hope they had been smart enough, my brothers and their families, to run or just to hold up.

I didn’t know what the situation was like worldwide, though I doubt something like this would have just stayed in America.
I didn’t want to think that it could have made it to Italy, to the small village where my grandparents lived… they would have been defenceless.

My throat filled with bile and I flinched again, trying to get the pictures out of my head. They only made things worse.
“Quit twitching,” Daryl muttered seemingly able to gain and drop emotions as he wanted, trying to get comfortable.

“They’re all dead.” I said, my voice a monotone as I finally admitted what had been plaguing me for weeks, “Everyone, they would have stayed, or come to get me. They would have thought it would blow over; my dad would be more concerned with protecting his money. They would have all died, my brothers, my nephews and nieces, my friends.”

Daryl jerked up, knocking my head off his chest and looking at me worriedly,

“Why are you talking like ‘at?” I looked down at my hands.

“Because its true. The men in town, they said Fort Benning was gone, did Rick mention that? We’re just running around with no plan. There is nowhere safe. We’re all fucked.”

He wrenched my hands up so my face was close to his, “ You don’t talk like that, thinking that shit will get you killed. I thought you were stronger than that, all with that Beth girl, you were against her doin’ that, you don’t mean none of this.”

I smiled coyly at him, repeating what he had said to me the previous day

“Guess you don’t know me very well then do you?”

“Stop it now,” He demanded, wrenching me into a seated position, hands on either side of my face, his close to mine, “You’re talking stupid.”

I shook my head, “ I’m making sense, I was always angry at Marc even though I kind of got why he did it, and Beth but now, I totally get why...” My voice trailed into a whisper and I watched Daryl’s face cloud with anger.

He stood suddenly, practically ripping the tent door open and leaving, the light pouring in fully and hurting my eyes. I pulled my legs back up to my chest, my head leaning on my knees, watching as the tears ran over my bare thighs, slowly dampening the end of the shorts I had grabbed in Coalville.

They had batman on and I had thought they were cool at the time, the fact that I had focused so much on trivial matters rather than dealing with everything else was stupid.
I should have been preparing to lose people, after Sophia I should have realised others would die, that eventually so would I… Not even eventually, probably sooner rather than later.

Groaning I pulled myself off of the ground, pulling down the jumper that Beth had leant me and using the sleeves to wipe my puffy face moved onto the camp bed, angry at myself.

I was angry at Marc for killing himself, I was angry at Daryl for being too nice half the time and a total dick the other half, I was angry at Dale for dying, for wandering off.

I was angry at myself for both having hope, and also wanting to just give up.

There was only one thought in my mind that was decisive, clear.

I gave in to that, sighing as I leant down and grabbed the cool bottle of vodka, taking a large swig and as always wincing, it burning my already damaged throat.

I used to have chugging competitions with my friend Tim, the thought almost made me smile, until I came to the harsh reality again.

Tim was probably dead.
Like all of them.

I took another harsh gulp, I needed to do it again, what was becoming usual.
Grieving and moving on.

I was getting sick of it, this cycle of death and fear.
I was sick of everyone I cared about dying.

Or I could do something I’ve always hated and take that route, suicide; it had always struck me as selfish, nothing but a last resort.

Not that there was much left now, was this my only resort?

Another swig and another burn, it was a good pain.
I wanted to be numb again, like when it had happened.

Another flashback and another swig.
Half of the bottle was gone.

I wasn’t even sure what day it was anymore, it might only be a couple of weeks until my birthday. I smiled a little, Marc was planning on a costume party, both of us having amassed a pile of lists, like we had when planning his.

We had always planned stuff really in advance.
I used to write lists of everything, I liked to have control.

Apparently this was a side effect of my childhood, the lust for control, since that had been stolen, abused.
Apart from when I drunk, to feel nothing, to forget.

I leant back, closing my eyes, the vodka spilling slightly on my wrists.
Daryl had even cleaned most of the blood off.
That gesture flooded me with warmth and the effect of the alcohol dipped.

Fuck it.

I did not put all this effort in to stay alive to just give up.
They made their choice, Marc made his choice.

It was wrong, but it was his.

It would be an insult to Dale, to everyone for me to run a knife over my wrists.

After everything with my father, after all the ridiculous hard work I put in for school. None of that mattered, staying alive mattered.

Daryl mattered.
Glenn mattered.
Maggie, Beth, Hershel, T-dog, Rick, Carl, Lori, Carol...
That had to be enough.

I poured a touch of vodka on my hand, wincing as it stung over my torn nail beds but rubbing it in, trying to lift the dry blood.
I made a new mental list.

I was going to make sure Dale had a funeral, I was going to make sure I didn’t just mope, that wouldn’t be what he wanted.
I was going to push for Randall.
I was going to give this vodka to Hershel for injuries, and I wasn’t going to touch another drop.
I was going to apologise to Daryl, to try and sort this out.
I was going to make sure nobody else died.
And I was going to try not to die on the process.

I smiled, the action hardly moving my lips.
That was my new plan.
_________________________

Dale’s funeral was painful, a new grave. I didn’t know who had gathered the body, who had placed it, but we all stood in a circle around. Rick talking, I wanted to be optimistic, Rick saying they were going to re-attempt releasing Randall, far away from the farm.

Some of what Dale said had stuck.

More decisions were made, we were going to move into the house for safety, although it would be really cramped. But Hershel as under the belief that it was the cattle attracting walkers, attracting the walker that had killed Dale.

Fresh meat was a lure, human or not.

I sighed, Daryl, Andrea, T-dog and... I noted with an internal groan, Shane were going to check the perimeter, to fix any damage with the fences.

I felt more uneasy around Shane now than ever, almost grinning at Dale’s funeral. I was beyond wary of him, I was scared of him.
I wanted him gone.

But yet, after everything he had done, he was here.
I bit my tongue and kept silent.

Daryl and I spoke quickly, and I tried to explain my weakness earlier, my breakdown. He shrugged it off, saying simply he was glad I saw sense.
He was alright, albeit rightfully a bit shocked, freaked out.

I felt guilty that I had worried him.

“Try not to die,” I whispered, surprising him by reaching up and kissing him. The words were becoming our way of saying goodbye, but the kiss in front of others was new.

Shane let out an overdramatic groan at my affection and I felt venom fill my mouth ignoring him.
“I’m going to get sorted with your tent while you lot are away as well,” I told him, pulling my hair back behind my ears, “Beth’s gunna give me a hand.”

“Alrigh’” he nodded, “Don’t break my shit.” I rolled my eyes at him as he sling his crossbow into the back of the truck before climbing in, offering Andrea and T-dog a smile as they did the same and I started to head back to the house.

I shot Beth a wide grin, huffing as she stood still on the porch, “Hurry the fuck up woman.” I called, earning me a glare from the nearby Hershel. I felt my eyes widened and I looked up at Beth for help.

“Sorry Hershel,” I murmured bashfully, Beth laughing and pecking her Dad on the cheek as we walked past .
_____________________________________

I had always hated putting down tents, putting them up was one thing, but taking them down and getting everything out, each time amazing me by just how much could fit in such a small area, is almost painful.

Whenever we were camping as a child I would run off with the dog, under the illusion of him desperately wanting a walk, leaving my brothers to deal with the task of the tent.

I head a giggle, being drawn from my thoughts and turning Beth, feeling a heat rush over my cheeks as I saw her holding the rather revealing underwear from the supermarket. She awkwardly nodded, trying to hold back her laugh at my embarrassment.

“Don’t think you’re going to have much opportunity to wear this with everyone in the house.” I whined at her to shush, snatching it from her and placing it on the top of the bag of Daryl’s and my clothes I had been filling.

“You’re just creasing them all you know,” She pointed out, referring to the crumpled clothing in the duffle bag, “Sorry Mom.” I groaned, shoving the half empty bottle of vodka on the top and zipping it up.

“Now onto the camp bed.” She shot me a look, the struggle with it just as bad as I had expected.
We both moaned, trying to fold up this camp bed was proving impossible; everything else was outside the tent piled up and ready to move but this was difficult.

It suddenly flung up without warning and we both squealed, moving back quickly to avoid trapping our fingers.

“ Oh thank God!” she panted, “I thought it was never gunna go.” I giggled at her flushed face and began to drag it out of the tent, bumping into Maggie.

“You two alright?” she enquired, a smirk on her face, “Never known people make so much noise sorting stuff out, we could hear you back at the rest of the tents!” I rolled my eyes and she smiled, grabbing the camp bed and helping me move it out of the way.

“Bethy, unless you wanna get put away I’d get out of the damn tent!” she called jokingly, starting to yank the pegs from the dry ground.

A few minutes passed in silence, apart from the occasional sigh as we continued to take the tent down, once the poles have been removed and the inner and outer sheets lay flat I stood up straight and stretched my back, wincing as I heard it crack.

I am so tired.

“Maggie,” I asked, as we knelt down, ready to attempt to roll the sheets, “ Are you sure we’re no bother in the house? Your dad wouldn’t say anything but it’s like fifteen people in there?”

I could tell she was working the number out as she suddenly looked thoughtful, “It’ll be fine” she reckoned, “ We’ll fit everyone in, there’s loads of room downstairs and all.”

“You could stay in my room?” Beth started, cut off her by half sister.

“Nah, Patricia is moving in with you, and I think Rick, Lori an’ Carl are having hers.”
“Where’s Jimmy gunna go?” Beth continued, “Dad won’t let him in my room.”

“Damn straight,” Maggie teased, “Glenn is with me, I imagine Jimmy will give Carol and Andrea his bed or something.”
I pulled a face at the smile that spread over her face when she spoke about Glenn, suddenly hit with a flicker of guilt

I hadn’t spoke to Glenn since Dale, apart from to snap at him earlier in the evening.

“Oh thank the lord!” Maggie sighed over dramatically, lying back on the group, the tent shoved in it’s bag. She lay back, Beth trying to arrange everything so we could carry it back when Maggie sat back up, suddenly looking grim.

“Later on, can...can you talk to Glenn? About Dale...he hasn’t really said anything but I know you three...” I nodded quickly, instantly feeling bad.

This last hour I had given no thoughts to last night.
That was wrong.

But when you’re surrounded by death if doesn’t seem to have as much of an impact int he long term.
You have to be hard.

Stone.

Comments

Grrr >< have to update lol Got to know what happens next!

Gilyflower Gilyflower
3/29/15

Oh my God, those feels

ParisPaxadox ParisPaxadox
1/14/14
Looking forward to the next chapter :)
TSWilts TSWilts
11/20/13
I love it :-) :-) :-)
Ceeekes Ceeekes
11/4/13
@KetzLove
Thankyouuu...and there are many far more naughty Norman Reedus stories out there ;) haha. And yeah, J.K is my queen (excluding the one true queen Dame Maggie Smith) Glad you're enjoying the story!