Sleepless, restless, useless, helpless, hopeless... just less
I struggle as hard as I can. My shirt is all torn, so it feels shameful to move. I just want to cover myself. The man, who stabbed my brother multiple times, is licking the bloody blade. I feel sick and I just want to throw up. The other man, who ripped my shirt, is now trying to open my jeans. Tears run down my temples. I feel helpless. I want to give up but I can’t. They took everything from me. I push aside all my shame and bite the man’s arm. He yells but don’t loosen his hold. I struggle wildly and try to kick him. I close my eyes when I can’t see anything ‘cause the tears. Maniac laughter fills the room.
‘’Uuuh, all that struggle just makes him more hor..’’, man licking the lade says and loud thump stops his words. I have no idea what happened. Something heavy drops on top of me. I can’t breathe. The hold of my wrist loosens. I open my eyes and the man holding me is looking me with unmoving eyes. And still his grey eyes bore into mine. In the middle of his forehead peeks something pointy. Drop of red falls to my face. It makes me flinch. Then with grunt the man is lifted from me and it drops to the floor with heavy thumb. Automatically I cover myself with my arms. I see man taking his jacket off. I close my eyes in despair. Why? I can’t fight this. This is too much. Why can’t I just die? Tears flow down my temples. I’m lifted to sitting position and then something covers my back. I open my eyes in surprise. The man is not looking me. He pulls the shirt to cover me. He keeps it closed with one hand and then looks around. I’m shaking hard. He is left with only leather vest on.
‘’We need to go’’, he says. I haven’t yet decided if I trust him but my mind isn’t working. I get to my shaky foots. He let’s go of the shirt and it opens. The man has his back on me. Fast I push my arms through the sleeves and button up the shirt. My hands shake, so it’s little bit of work to me. The shirt is way too big to me but I don’t mind. It covers me and I’m clad. I zip my jeans. Man moves closer to the door but I don’t follow. Instead I walk to my brother and fall to my knees. I take my backup blade from my shoe. I look his unmoving body. His stomach is covered in blood. On top of him are pieces of my shirt. White shirt pieces have turned into red. I blink the tears in vain. They fall down. I take his hand. I give it shaky kiss. More tears run down.
‘’We need to go’’, comes little bit annoyed voice behind me. I nod my head violently and squeeze harder the blade. I need to do it. He wouldn’t want to come back. I know ‘cause he has told it to me. Hand covers mine. I don’t let go of the blade. Slowly he moves it to my brother’s temple. I let a little whimper when I feel it pushing inside of his head. My head drops and tears fall on the floor. He pulls the blade out of his head and lets go of my hand. His takes a hold of me and helps me up. He half drags me out of the house. The bright light assaults my eyes. I close them. I wipe the tears of my eyelashes. A shadow falls upon me. I open my eyes and see the man who saved me standing in front of me. I’m still shaking. He just stares me without saying anything. It makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. I lower my gaze. My arms are tightly around me but it doesn’t make me feel any safer.
‘’What happened?’’, man asks. I start to shake more when I think what happened. I feel the need to tell him.
‘’We were getting supplies when he gripped me. My…’’, that’s all I can say before my through close up. I lift my hand to my through. I can’t wrap my head around the fact that my brother is gone. I lift my face to watch the man. He swipes his face and then looks around.
‘’How many walkers have you killed?’’, he asks. I only can assume he is talking about the living dead running around.
‘’Many’’, I answer truthfully. He locks his eyes in my mine.
‘’How many people have you killed?’’, he asks.
‘’Just my brother in there’’, I answer. I feel the tears again falling.
‘’Why?’’, he asks. I wipe the tears from my cheeks and then look shaking hard cause I realize that I just killed my brother.
‘’Because he didn’t want to turn into one of them’’, I say. I squeeze myself harder. We are in deep silence that is interrupted by dead ones moans.
‘’We have people. You wanna come with me?’’, he asks. I try to get the shaking to stop. I look around and see two dead ones walking slowly towards us.
‘’Am I going to be safe?’’, I ask.
‘’As safe as any of us’’, he says to me and I believe him. I slowly nod to him. He takes hold of my arm and then we run. He has car parked on a road. We go in and then he is driving somewhere. We are silent. I’m emotionally exhausted but before I fall asleep I hear his voice.
‘’What’s your name?’’
‘’Raya’’, I say and then fall asleep.
I wake up screaming. Something is shaking me or is it just me shaking. I open my eyes. I hardly can breathe. I see the man who saved me. He’s looking me with furrower brows. I try to breathe but it’s so damn hard. I slam myself into his chest. And then I realize that his shirt is on me. It too late to back off and I don’t even want to. I feel ashamed but I just need to feel safe. After reliving the almost rape in my dream has me fearful. I push myself even closer to the man who saved me. Slowly he wraps his hands around me. I hope I’m not making big mistake. I’m weak. The crying rocks my body and tears runs freely. His skin feels warm on my face. When the tears finally run out I feel empty. I don’t have power to move.
‘’What’s your name’’, I whisper to his chest.
‘’Daryl’’, he answers.
‘’Daryl’’, I repeat it to myself, ‘’Thank you’’. He lifts my boneless body back to car and closes the door. I don’t fall back to sleep. I don’t want to see again what happened. After a long, long time we arrive on a campsite. Fear rises inside me when I see people. They are walking towards the car. Daryl gets out of the car. Me? No way, I’m paralyzed to the seat, too much, too soon. They are talking and then the others look at me. I feel like a deer in the headlights. They talk more and they move to trunk. It pops open loudly. I jerk from the sound. I guess they are taking stuff out of there. My door opens and Daryl is standing there. He jerks his head to hint me to get out of the car. Slowly I push myself off the car. The others are watching me when I step out and stand behind Daryl. He pushes the car door close and sidesteps so everyone can see me.
‘’Tis Raya’’, he says. Some of the people smile to me and give a little wave of hand. I lift a little my hand to acknowledge them. Dark haired woman comes to me.
‘’Come on. Let’s get you fed and then find a place for you to sleep’’, she says and lays hand on my back. I follow her. Daryl stays beside the car talking to gray hared woman. Woman, who took me, tells me that her name is Maggie. She introduces me others and gives me canned peaches. I eat a little. I’m really not hungry at all. I have to force the food down my throat and hope that I don’t puke. She shows me place to sleep and give smelly blanket. I thank her. She leaves me. I lay on the ground and watch them milling around. Every time I close my eyes, I see what happened and I can’t breathe. I clutch my chest and feel my heart beat thru the thin shirt. I push my fingers to my hair. I can feel some dirt there. But now that I think, I’m not even sure it’s dirt. It might be blood. Maybe it’s my brother’s blood. My hand goes automatically to my shoe. I can feel the blade there. I can’t remember putting it back there. It’s too in my brother’s blood. I need to wash it. I get up and realize that everybody is sleeping, except one who is on a guard duty. I don’t want to alarm guard that I’m up. I don’t feel like chatting. I have bottle of water. I take it with me and I walk near the woods. I fall to my knees and take the blade. Hands shaking I pour the water to blade and then wipe it with leaves. In the dark the blade looks good enough for now. I have a feeling that I have to clean it again when there is lighter. Next I pour water to my palm and try to get rid of dirt/blood on my hair. I rub and rub but it doesn’t get off. Tears well up in my eyes. I close them and try to calm myself. I open my eyes and see the blade on the ground. I can cut them off. I find the lumps in my hair and quickly cut them out. Lumps fall around me. When I see them I start to gag. I lean further in the bushes and puke the peaces I ate earlier.
‘’What the hell?’’, I hear familiar voice behind me. I continue gagging. I try to push my newly cut hair away from my face but it doesn’t stay away. I’m shaking hard. I lean away from my puke and fall on top of my legs. I can’t help the tears. Everything reminds me of my brother. I just cut the last pieces of him from me. I feel powerless. The nightmare I lived continues in front of my eyes. I want to yell but I can’t. My through is swollen shut. I cry to my knees. Arms wrap around my middle and lift me from the ground. I’m wrapped in strong arms around me. I shake violently when I relive my nightmare again.
Two days I have been with these peoples. Few more came yesterday. They buried somebody. I can’t tell lots of times what’s going on. I haven’t slept and hardly eat. Most of the times I pretend to eat. Everything seems hazy. I have no power to walk much but sometimes I have to. Otherwise I would fall asleep. My eyes feel heavy and dry. I feel dirty. I have washed myself in the nearby pond but I don’t feel any cleaner. The man touch feels still on my skin. I find myself scratching my skin to get rid of the feeling. I lift my hand from my arm. I can see blood under my nails. I get up and walk to the pond. I have to steady myself on the tree trunks. I fall in the water. The water is cold. It wakes me up a little. I clean my hands and the blood under my nails. Then I splash the water to my face. I still have Daryls shirt on me. He hasn’t asked it back. I did get someone’s spare shirt but I haven’t put it on. I roll the sleeves up. Under the sleeves become exposed the scratch marks I already have made. I clean them. Then I open the shirt so that only one button is closet. The marks cover my stomach too. The dirty feeling is still under there somewhere. I start to clean softly and then little harder and harder.
Rick looks to Daryl. He swipes his face. He has been watching the new girl and he’s worried. She’s not adjusting well.
‘’Has she slept?’’, he asks Daryl.
‘’Don’t know’’, Daryl answers. Both men are worried about the new arrival. She has been walked like zombie as long as she has been here. She doesn’t seem to eat and when she eats, somebody has always found her barfing. She flinches every time somebody touches her. Daryl found her cutting her hair. Now her hair is uneven and sticks out everywhere. She hardly talks. Just nods her head for an answer. At least she drinks some water. Rick looks around to see the girl but can’t find it with his eyes.
‘’Where is she?’’, Rick says and steps little closer to the camp. Daryl turns around to look too. Girl is nowhere to be found.
‘’I’ll find her’’, Daryl says to Rick.
‘’Okay. Just.. Please look that she gets some sleep. Otherwise she is going to lose it’’, Rick says to Daryl and wipes sweat from his forehead. Daryl bites inside his lip and nods. He starts the search from her sleeping place. For Daryl it’s almost too easy to see where she has been walking. She’s been dragging her legs. That girl really need some sleep. Daryl just doesn’t know yet how she is going to manage that.
The girl is not hard to miss. She was still wearing Daryls shirt. She sat in the pond. Hem of the shirt is floating on the water. With sure steps Daryl walks behind the woman. She doesn’t seem to notice him. Daryl looks over her shoulder and sees that she has scratched her arms and stomach so much that they bleed. Daryl looks her in misbelieve.
‘’What the hell?’’, Daryl says for the second time to her. Woman turns her head up so she can see Daryl. Her face is wet and eyes looks like she has been crying. Daryl feels responsible of her. He brought her to here. She definitely did have the worst day when he met her. She almost got raped and her brother was murdered in front of her.
I see Daryl watching me. My arms ache and water stings my scratches. I just had to get rid of the dirty feeling. I can’t think of anything to say to him. My brain isn’t working like at all. I just blink at him. He’s expression changed and I’m sure it mean ‘that’s it’. He lifts me from under my arms. He buttons up his shirt and then looks the scratches. I feel dumb when he is examining me. Then he looks straight into my eyes.
‘’Ya going to sleeping. Now’’, he says. I panic straight away. I try to back away but he grasps my arms.
‘’No, no, no, no. I… I can’t’’, I say to him and try to back away. He keeps strong hold of me. He makes negative sound. He flips me walk the way to the camp.
‘’No, please. Please don’t make me go to sleep’’, I beg him. He pushes me all the way to campsite and then to his tent. He sits me down. Then he throws me one of his shirts.
‘’Change. I get water. You drink and then you go to sleep’’, Daryl says to me. He looks me and then leaves. I start to shake more. My breathing hitches. I take the wet shirt off and change it to dry one. Tears are falling already. My jeans are still wet. I try to be careful not to get the shirt wet. Before I can even think escape, Daryl is back. He gives one of the bottles to me. I take it and put it next to me. I straighten my jeans. They are glued to my skin. I bite my lip and lift my gaze. He is biting his thumb nail. He isn’t really looking me.
‘’I’m not going to sleep’’, I say to him and yawn. He stop eating his nails and looks me.
‘’Yes, ya are’’, he says to me.
‘’I can’t’’, I whisper and tears fall. All the crying is just making me more tired. I angrily wipe the tears away. He pushes me to his sleeping bag. He bites inside of his lip and watches me in the eyes.
‘’Ya need to sleep. Ya should take the wet clothes away’’, he says and turns his head. I touch my jeans. They feel disgusting and cold against my skin.
‘’Will you put them to dry?’’, I asks and he nods to me. I take my shoes off and open my jeans button. Daryl turns away. He takes his wet shirt. I push the jeans off me with shaking hands and give them to Daryl. I pull the shirt over my legs. He takes them out. I wrap my arms around my legs. I set my heavy head on my knees. My eyes droop. I bite my lip like little pain would keep me awake. Daryl comes back without the clothes. I know I should go to sleep but I can’t. I’m way too scared of the dreams. Daryl let annoyed huff. I look him sideways.
‘’I’m sorry’’, I say. New tears absorbed in his shirt. He saved me and he has done lot for me. He took me to here. They gave me place to sleep and food and water. I haven’t done anything for them. He’s searching my face. He comes closer and opens the zipper of the sleeping back. He nods for me to go in. I go obediently. He closes the zipper.
‘’I’m scared’’, I whisper to him. He looks to me.
‘’I’ll wake ya if ya’re gonna have a nightmare’’, he says silently.
‘’Promise?’’, I ask.
‘’Yeah’’, he answers. I wipe the tears that are still falling. I try to relax and close my eyes. I feel way too tense. But I have been wake way too long, so it’s not really up to me. Sleep comes sneakily.
Daryl cleans his arrows. Raya fell asleep quickly. She is making whimpering noises while sleeping. She tosses around. Daryl bites his nails again. He gets up when he hears that someone is outside. Rick is standing there. He has worried expression on his face.
‘’She’s sleeping’’, Daryl says to him.
‘’Good. Where was she?’’, Rick asks. Daryl listens whimper coming out of his tent.
‘’Pond. Scratched her arms and stomach’’, Daryl tells Rick. Rick nods to him.
‘’You need to keep an eye on her’’, Rick tells Daryl. Daryl nods to him. Their conversation is interrupted by screaming coming out of Daryls tent. Daryl goes inside quickly and picks the girl in his arms. He tries to get her to wake up. He tries to reassure girl. She stirs a bit.
I wake up screaming. I hear familiar voice. It’s telling me to wake up. I wake a bit and feel someone holding me. I take a hold of man who is holding me. I’m crying hard. The nightmare was more horrible that I could even think. He blamed me of his death. He said I was worst sister he could ever have. That he wishes it would’ve been her who died. I cry so much that there is no more tears to cry. Exhaustion makes me limp in his arms and I fall slowly back to sleep.
So, here it goes. Feedback always helps :D Enjoy :)