Sleepless, restless, useless, helpless, hopeless... just less
I followed Daryl to his motorcycle until I realized I had no idea where he was taking me.
''Where are we going?'', I asked when he climbed on the bike.
''Supplies'', he answered. And he wanted to take me with him?
''And you're sure you want to take me with you?'', I asked. He turned to look at me but didn't say anything. Then he bit inside of his lip. He was rethinking his decision.
''I can do it'', I said quicly. He nodded his head still biting his lip. Was I wrong? What if something happened to him because of me? I looked behind me. Everyone was doing something usefull. I on the other hand were useless. I couldn't do anything for them.
''Come on. We ain't got all day'', Daryls voice penatrated my thoughts. Clumpsily I climbed on the bike and we left.
Motorcycle roared under us. I close my eyes and squeeze Daryl from the middle. I hate turning. When I open my eyes sun shines on them blinding me. Daryl is moving in front of me and then we stop. I take my arms around him and wait that he gets up. I blink to see anything. Orange spot is occuping my vision. Not cool. I still get off and then fall to the ground. I rub my eyes.
''Shit'', I say. Slowly I get up and notice that Daryl is watching me.
''My legs fell asleep'', I say 'cause I feel like explaining. There is no change in his face and he doesn't say anything. I straighten my posture and hold my head up. I'm not gonna mess this up. I furrow my brows and consentrade. Deep breaths I tell myself. He hold a gun for me.
''Know how to use it??'', he asks. I nod. I have used fare share of guns. Then without looking me he walks to the store door. He pulls it open and then closes it. We wait a while and when nothing comes up we go in. I go to the other end of the store and take everything I think is nessesery. Between the shelves I notice that I'm not that anxious. I almost feel fine. Still the thought of food makes me gag. No ones waiting anything from me. Nothing is bothering me. I can stop thinking if I want. I stop to listen. I can only hear Daryl somewhere in the store but he is quiet. I can breathe. I close my eyes and I can stop all the vivid memories coming. I start walking. When I found Daryl I was still deep in the thoughts. He pushed all the stuff to my arms. It brought me back. I put then in the bag I got.
''Got everything?'', I asked. He nods to me. Daryl walks ahead and I follow. The noice of the door stops us. Spike of fear runs through my body. I turn to look at Daryl. He lifts finger to his lips to quiet me down. We walk slowly closer to the door. Through the window I see walker banging the door. There is only one now. Daryl goes and takes it out. He walks back to the bike.
''Daryl'', I say suddently. He turns to look at me. I look at my shoes and kick some rocks. Then I take a deep breath and look back to him.
''I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. I have been messed up and needy and.. I..'', I look away,''I'm gonna try harder. I don't want to burden anyone. Exspecialy you. You've really been there for me. Thank you''. He stares me a moment and then nods.
''Ready to head back?'', he asks. I nod. We climb back on the bike. Dust flying we leave the store behind.
Two weeks later things has gotten better. I fold Daryls shirts. I'm finally ready give them back. We have been on the move all the time. Now we are in two story house. Everything is broken and there wasn't any food. I still eat very little. And it not because there isn't any food. I sigh and go to find Daryl. He has been around but few days he has only been hunting. In the livingroom I look around but I don't see Daryl. Lori is cutting Carls hair.
''Lori, have you seen Daryl?'', I ask.
''No, he is propably hunting'', she answer to me without looking at me.
''Thanks'', I say and walk out. I look around in the woods. Before I had a chance to head there Maggie comes to me.
''Hi, what's up?'', I ask. She looks little unconftrable.
''Hi, do you have any bads? I'm all out'', she ask.
''Yeah, I think I have in my bag. You can just go and take them'', I answer to her.
''Thanks Raya'', she says and touches my shoulder. I start to walk to the trees but stop shortly. When I had my last periods? I close my eyes and try to think hard. It was…
''Everything okay?'', I hear Daryls voice. I open my eyes. I shake my head to clear it.
''Yeah, I was just bringing you these shirts'', I say and extend them to him. I have a hard grip on them. I try to relax my fingers.
''They are yours. Sorry it took so long to give them back. They are really conftrable. I have washed them. So, they are clean. That's all. Here'', I ramble. Daryl looks at me searching. I try not to freak out infront of him. He takes the shirts.
''Ya sure you're okay. You seem bit off'', he says.
''Yeah. I'm just.. I had bad night. Messes with my..'', I try to explain something to him. He nods understanding.
''I need to..'', I say and point different directions. No really convinsing. And it shows in his expression. He knows something is up. I just don't wanna say anything before I'm sure. I walk away without another word. I walk straight to the woods. When I have walked few minutes and then I lean my head to the three trunk.
''Oh my God, Oh my God..'', I chant. I had last periods when I was with Roscoe. Roscoe surprised me with blanleds he had found. I was in so much pain. My periods were regular. So, I should have already to have them. But stress could make them late, I tried to reason myself. No, it can't be real. I try to calm my harsh breath. I need a pregnancy test. This can't be real. I can't be pregnant. I just can't. When I finally get myself to calm down I walk back to the house. Everyone is in the livingroom. I sit next to Carol. She gives me little smile and rubs my back. I smile back to her.
''We need to get supplies'', Rick says, ''But we are out of gas.''
''I can go with my bike'', Daryl says. Rick nods to him.
''Good'', Rick says.
''Can I come?'', I ask. Daryl nods to me and bites his lip. He is looking at me weirdly.
''You better go before the dark'', Rick says. I get up.
''I just go get the bigger backbag'', I say and go upstairs. When I get back down Rick holds a gun for me. I take it and tuck it back of my jeans.
''Thanks'', I say to him. I check my knife in my boot. I follow Daryl to his bike and we are off. All the way I'm hoping I'll find pregnancy tests. I need to know. It still could be because of the stress. We find a little town. There are few walkers miling around. Nothing too bad. Daryl stops and we get off. There is little shops and little pharmacy. My hand itch to get there
''So do we firts check the shops and then the pharmacy?'', I ask and turn to look Daryl.
''Nah. You check the pharmacy, I'll check the shops'', he says.
''Okay. Cool'', I say and start to walk to the pharmacy. I'm little surprised that he wants to split up but it's fine by me. I knock on the pharmacy door and wait. I hear their voices before I see them. I pick my blade and crack the door open. The first one pushes his head through the crack and without any hesitation I stick my blade in his brains. He slumber against the door and it opens. There is two more. I push the little lady and she falls. The one on the back is now face to face with me. I take a hold of her shirt and push my blade to her temple. It falls down. Blood slatters on my shirt but I don't mind. The one I pushed is now getting up. Before she is even up I slam my knife back of her head. She falls and the blade just slips out of her head. I take a deep breath and then take the man away from the door. It really heavy and I have to take a breather after. I take a flachlight from the back and step intp the pharmacy. Dust covers everything. I can see the drag marks on the floor from the walkers. Nobody has been here for a while. I still stop to wait. Usually walkers comes when you knock but there has been few late ones. I hate surprises. I can't hear anything so I go look the shells. There aren't many bottles left. Something for tics. I don't know if we need them but I throw them in the bag anyway. I take everybottle I find. It isn't much. When I'm finally standing infront of the pregnancy tests. I just crap as many as I can. I want to be sure. I check everywhere. Nothing. I sigh and head out. Daryl is waiting by the bike.
''Find anything?'', I ask. He bites inside of his lip. He gives me few bottles of water and four cans. I put them in my bag.
''Not much. You?'', he answers.
''Few painkiller bottles. Something for tics and something I don't know what it's for'', I answer.
''Okay. Let's go'', he says and climes on the bike. I clime behind him and then we are off. In no time we are back to the house. I give Rick the gun back when we get inside. He nods to me. I dig the pill bottles, water and cans out of my bag. I leave them on the table.
''I go wash up'', I say and point my shirt. I get few nods and head out. I get my flashlight and head to the woods. I check that nobody is looking my way when I slip into the woods. Walking as far as I dare. Few calming breaths and then I dig few bregnancy tests. I pee on two at the time. Then I wait. I can't be. I know I'm not stable enough to have a baby. I bearly take care of myself. Then I realize I can't look. I close my eyes and then just look. There is two lines. What does that mean? I panic and try to read it from the box. Two lines, two lines… I see picture of it. One line not pregnant and two lines for… I can't breath. I try to calm down. Test can be broken. I took two, my head scream. They can be too old. Tomorrow I take more and they show me that I'm not pregnant. I wipe my face and dig a little grave for the tests I took. Hide the evidence. Slowly I walk back to the house. I'm not feeling alright. Everystep feels too soft. Air feels like there isn't enough oxygen. I swallow the lumb on my trought. I slumber on the stairs of the front porch. My legs just refuse to go inside. I can't think. Door opens and closes.
''Raya, is everything ok?', Maggie asks. She sits next to me. I turn to look at her and smile.
''Yeah, I'm just really really tired'', I tell her the lie. She rubs my shoulder.
''Then you should go sleep'', she says. I nod my head.
''I take a breather and then go. It's so nice night'', I say. She gets up.
''Ok'', she says and disappeares back inside. I sit on the portch and stare the sky. Slowly the morning sun rises and I drink water. I need to pee bad but I don't want to get up. I take a deep breath and get up. I disappear back to the forrest.
I just got back to house from hunting. Everyone is mingling around. I wish I would've found something to eat. We propably move soon if we get gas from somewhere. The situation is not good but I think we manage. Raya is been weird again. She told me she has been sleeping badly – maybe she has. I just have this nagging feeling about it. I look around. Where is she again?
''Seen Raya?'', I ask from Maggie. She turns to me.
''Last night. She told she was tired but stayed outside. Haven't seen this morning'', she tells. I bite my lip and think hard. Yesterday she went clean up but I haven't seen her sence. I walk out and look around. No Raya. I walk the way I saw her walking from the window last night. There is clear marks on the ground. She has been running. Why? Deep in the woods I hear crying. I'm sure it's her. I slowly walk. I don't make any sounds. Maybe she is missing her brother. Then I see her. She is surrounded by paper and small boxes. She is crying in her hands. Trying to make as little noise as possible. She looks so small.
''Raya'', I say silently trying not to scare her. She stops crying but hiccups. She lifts her head. Cheeks are red and wet. She has been crying for a while. We are silent for a moment. She opens her mouth but nothing comes out. She hiccups again.
''I'm pregnant'', she says and I feel like she would've slap me across the face. I take a step back.
sry it took so so long :(