Sleepless, restless, useless, helpless, hopeless... just less
He stares at me. He looks shocked.
''What?'', he asks. I take a deep breath.
''I'm.. I.. I'm pregnant'', I say and start crying again. I took 22 test and they all told me I'm pregnant. I don't wanna be. Strong arms wrap around me. Daryl just holds me. I cry for a while and then push myself off. I wipe my face.
''I'm sorry'', I say. I fall to my back. Paper crunches under me. Daryl falls next to me.
''I don't know what to do. I don't know if I can make it'', I tell Daryl. He is silent and I turn to him. He is staring at the sky.
''How can I take care of a baby? I can't even take care of myself'', I say, ''I though I was finally getting little bit better''. I hear paper crunch. I look to Daryl. He has turned to me.
''We are here for you. You are gonna get thru this'', he says with such surety. How can he know? Daryl gets up and extends hand to me. I take it and he pulls me up. We walk back to the house. Before we brake from the threes I take Daryl by sleeve. He stops and turns to me.
''I don't want them to know yet'', I say. Daryl stares me.
''You should tell Rick'', he says. I let go of his sleeve. I wipe my hands to my jeans.
''I will. I just need to think little bit, ok?'', I ask. He nods to me.
''You should go sleep'', he tells me. I smile a little.
''I will'', I say and he nods again. We walk to the house and I go straight to sleep.
I watch when Raya walk to upstairs. She is gonna have a baby to that dickhead. I still can't believe it.
''She ok?'', I hear Rick ask. I turn to him.
''Yeah, gonna be'', I tell him. He searches my face for something.
''Something happend?'', he asks.
''Yeah, she tells when she is ready'', I tell him. I know he understands.
''Ok'', Rick says and claps my shoulder. I leave to hunt. Need some air.
I woke up some time ago. Don't feel like getting up. I have been thingking. I don't know how far this pregnancy is. I'm not sure how they count it. I need to keep this baby. Abort is not something I would be capable to do. And in my state of mind it would probaply destroy me. My friend make abort when we were high school. She killed herself three weeks after. I don't know nothing about pregnancy. Maybe I should ask Lori. She is pregnant and she has a son. I listen the noises everyone is making. What will they think when they hear about it? Sound of footsteps brake my thoughts. I lift my gaze. Daryl stand infront of me with a can. I rise to sit.
''You should eat'', he says and gives the can to me. It's making me smile. He takes a step back and leans of the door frame.
''Thank you'', I say to him. He is studing me.
''How do you feel?'', he asks. I think about it while stirring some beans.
''I feel nothing. I'm not sick. Nothing hurts. I'm tired but I have been awake a lot, so.. Maybe I'm not pregnant. Maybe it's just stress'', I ramble to him. I know it's not true. I took 22 test and they all came positive. I take a bean in my mouth.
''How many test did you take?'', he ask like reading my thoughts. I swallow the bean.
''22. They all were positive'', I say silently. I can't really lie to myself. I peek a look and e is giving me pointed look back.
''Yeah, can't really cheat on them. But I don't feel any different. It's just me...just me'', I say and gobble the beans. I put the can down and lay down.
''I can't believe it'', I say silently and close my, ''I'm scared''. I feel touch on my shoulder. I look up and see Daryl looming over me.
''It's ok. You'll get thru with it with us'', he says and takes the can. He leaves me with that thought.
''Let's go'', I hear Rick shout. I yarn and get up. I'm really, really tired. My mind is buzzing still with thoughts. I haven't sleps sense Daryl left. I decided to not tell anyone yet. I may still have miscarage or something. I don't want them to worry about me. I'm gonna tell Daryl that I will tell them when I'm ready. I hope he don't get mad. I get up and walk downstares. Everyone is already there.
''We have gas to move. Let's go'', Rick says. I go sit into car I'm told to sit and then tune them all out. I close my eyes but don't fall asleep.
It's been weeks now on the road. I can't even describe how tired I am. I fall asleep in everywhere I have two mitutes of quiet. They are again watching me. But I just can't help it. It should be good that I sleep. I still see nightmares. I don't know if they'll ever stop. But I have learned to accept them.
''Raya we need to go'', Carol says to me. I stretch on the ground.
''Ok'', I open my sleepy eyes. She kneels infront of me.
''Are you ok?'', she asks, ''You've been sleeping a lot''. I sit and smile to her.
''I'm fine. Just taking back all the sleepless hours'', I tell her. I haven't told them yet about the pregnancy. I see Daryl sometimes watching me. He hasn't talked to me much. I don't know if the secret is annoying him, or something. I still don't have any symptoms. Exept, I don't have periods.
''How long have I've been with you guys?'', I ask Carol when we get up.
''I don't know. Two months or so'', she tells me.
''Ok'', I say and we walk back to group. I have gotten used to them already. They don't make me nervous any more. Rick is talking about walking somewhere. I almost groan. My feet hurt like hell already. We have walked so much. I just have to deal with it. I see Daryl peek at me. I nod to him and he nods back. Then he continues to discuss with Rick, Glenn and rest of them. I need to tell them. It's not gonna be easy. I watch as they stop talking. They still linger with each others. I can feel my heart starting to hammer in my chest. Why it scares me? I feel like I can't breathe. I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant, I'm pregnant, Impregnant..
''I'm pregnant'', slips out of my mouth loudly. I cover my mouth with my hands. Everyone turns to look at me. There is long silens. I look everyone one by one. They are baffled. Daryl stragtens his stance. I'm breathing hard waiting for someone to say something. Rick looks to Daryl. He shakes his head to Rick. Rick turns to look back to me.
''Okay'', is all he says and nods. Everyone snaps out of their trance. They continue doing what they were doing before my confession. I flinch when someone touches my back.
''Honey, are you ok?'', Carol asks. I turn to look at her.
''Yes, I think so'', I tell her. Then we just leave.
Raya is sleeping again. She does it a lot. Everytime we stop, she takes a blanket and lays down to sleep. I don't know if she is doing any better. We haven't really talked. Sometimes I walk next to her but we don't talk. She nods to me and I nod back. It's been two weeks sence she told everybody. Rick asked me if I knew. I told him I did but it wasn't my secret to tell. He understood it. We need to go again. We need to find a place where everyone can rest. Everyone is exhausted. I watch as Beth goes to wake Raya up. She rubs her sleepy eyes. Atleast she is sleeping.
Another two weeks on the road. I'm exhausted. And my jeans are tight. And when I say tight, I mean TIGHT. I need to find some other pants. I think my ass has gone bigger. No funny at all. Atleast we have cars now. After all that walking it's nice change. Daryl too is in the car. Front seat ofcource. He left his bike while back to a carage. He'll get it back later. We stop again. I quess we're out of gas again. Everyone leaves the car. I fall to the seat and close my eyes. I haven't slep so much now that we've been on the road with a car. I know it sounds weird. Never slept in the car. I just couldn't, unlike Roscoe. He could sleep hours after hours. Not even stir when car stopped. Only time he didn't sleep in the car was when I was behind the wheel. Told me I was the worst driver ever. That I shouldn't have a license. He only called me when he couldn't get anyone else to drive him around. He would rather call his ex he hated than ride with me. I thought it was bit exreme. Sure, there was couple dozen near accidents and few accidents because of me. But my car never crashed into anything. I was quite proud of it. With these thoughts I fall asleep.
When I wake up everyone is buzzing. Some look worried and some releaft. I sit next to Beth.
''What's going on?'', I ask her.
''Rick and Daryl finded a place'', she tells me. She looks exided.
''What place?'', I ask.
''Go look. You can see it just after those pushes on the right'', she tells me. I get up and walk the way she pointed me. When finally see it I'm glad nobody is with me. I can't go with them to there.