Sleepless, restless, useless, helpless, hopeless... just less
They finded a place for them. And I was really happy about it. Now they plan how to take over it. And I'm thinking how to tell them I'm not coming. I feel quilty for leaving. They have helped me so much. Maybe I still can someday do the same for them. It's a prison. It's one of the places I promised not to go no matter what happens. Other is hospital. It'll be good place for them. Big fences, safe. It'll be good place to Lori's baby. I watch as they plan. I need to tell Daryl. I owe him that much. I don't know if he understands. I look for him and spot him on the side of the road leaning on the car checking his arrows. Slowly I walk to him. I take a calming breath.
''Do you have a moment?'', I ask silently. He mumbles someting incorehent. I take it as 'yes'. My heart pound in my chest.
''I just… I'm not coming'', I blurt out. He doesn't even lift his head. Doesn't he care? I feel insicure.
''Where?'', he asks.
''I'm going'', I try but I can't get the right words out of my mouth. He still just keeps staring his arrows. He mumbles someting I can't quite catch. I feel panicing.
''I'm not coming.. I'm not coming to the prison'', I say and Daryl lifts his head looking annoyed, ''I'm going back the iron gate house we saw''. Daryl gets up. All the arrows falls to the ground.
''The hell ya are'', he almost yells at me. He towers over me. It should feel treathning but it didn't.
''I can't came to the prison. I just can't'', I try to explain but there is no point. He is already mad. He watches me for a moment. His eyes are burning with madness. And then it's all gone. Blank, like all emotions would be wiped away. I'm little surprised by it and blink in misbelieve. Until he leans near me.
''Fine. Go kill ya baby, go kill yaself. See if I care'', he says venomously and walks away. I blink the tears away when his words hit me. My hands start to shake and I feel like drowning.
''What was that about?'', I hear Rick ask behind me. I wipe the tears that escaped.
''I'm leaving'', I tell without turning.
''What?'', he asks.
''I'm not coming to the prison'', I tell. Numbness settles in me.
''Why?'', he asks when I turn to him.
''I have my reasons'', I say and he look me from head to toe.
''You sure?'', he asks, ''The prison will be safe when we clear it''.
''Yeah I know. It'll be good place for you. And yes, I'm sure'', I say, ''I'm gonna check the iron gate house''.
''Ok. Let's go tell others'', he says and starts to lead me to them. It's still early morning. I have good amout of time to walk there.
Every one hugs me and tells me to be safe. They tell me to come back if it's too much to be alone. I nod to them. They give me water on the road. I thank them and then start walking without looking back. I know Daryl is nowhere to be seen. I'm sad that I didn't have the chance to say goodbyes to him. I walk under the clean clothes hung to dry. I touch them with my fingertips. They feel rough under my touch. I stop when I see Daryls dark flannel. It still has sleaves which is miracle. He usually rips them in no time. Without hesitation I take it. I hug it to my chest. It's like he is with me even when really he isn't.
When I finally arrive to the gate house, I'm tired, sweating and numb. My bottle is half empty. I can so relate to that feeling. Sun is starting to set so I need to hurry. I climbed over then iron gate. I take my blade and listen. When I see and hear nothing I walk to the front door. I try to open the door. Click. Just my luck, it's locked. I step away from the door and try to spot any flowerpots or rocks. People are really stupid when they hide the spare key. Nothing. Only a door mat that says Williams. Guess they lived here. I lift the mat and guess what I see. Yep, I see the key. I open the door and knock. I wait a moment before entering. Just to check if I have unwanted friends here. I check every room one by one. Nothing. Just two mumified corpses. I leave them where they are. Maybe I'll toss them out tomorrow. I walk to the kitchen. I wipe the table and notice that there is lots of dust. No one have been here in a long time. I check the cabinets. Only few cans and some serials. Don't know if I dare to eat them. I go to the livingroom and dust from the sofa. I sit down. Sound of silence was defeaning. Event's of the day started to catch up. Kill ya baby. I felt tears gather in my eyes. I haven't cried for a while. Have been so tired. Slept much and not thinking anything. It has been nice chance. Now I was alone in silence with my thoughts. I started to doubt my decision. I didn't fight the tears. I cried for my loneliness, for my new friends. I didn't know if I saw them ever again. I could die. They could die. Nothing was certain. They could die taking over the prison. They could already be dead. I take Daryls shirt from my hips where I tied it. I cry in it silently in setting darkness. He propably hates me for leaving. I don't blame him. I missed him already. He has been my rock. I feel like I lost something very important. I cry harder. Sharp knock on the door makes me stop breathing. I'm silent and wait. Another knock. Who knock in a world like this? Silently I tiptoe to the side window. I couldn't believe who I saw there. I walk to the door and open it. I stare at the man standing infront of me. Night air felt cold in my wet cheeks.
''That's mine'', he says in thick accent and nods to my hands. I look at my hand and see his shirt. I can't help myself, I walk to him and wrap my arms around him.
Daryl is going thru closets. He checked the house even when I said I had already done it. I light some candles to upstairs. I want to block the windows before I light a candle in there. I listen him moving around the house. My head is buzzing with thoughts. Is he gonna stay? Is there a reason he came? Did something happen? Are everyone ok? Daryl comes into the room and lays on the other bed. He let's big breath.
''Are you mad at me?'', I ask.
''Nah'', he says and closes his eyes.
''Are everyone ok?'', I ask. He nods. I stare him. He has hardly said a word when he came. I blow the candle and get a confrable position. But I can't seem to relax. I stare at the darkness till I fall asleep.
I wake up gasping for air. My heart is pounding hard. Something is keeping me up.
''Shhh'', husses voice I know to me. I grap on to him. I'm so glad he is here. I haven't had a nightmare a while. When I finally calm down I push myself away from him. He sits on my bed.
''Thank you for being here'', I tell silently to him. I can see he lift his shoulder. It makes me smile a little.
''No. I mean it'', I say and pull my legs to my chest,''I thought I woudn't see you ever again. I thought you would hate me for leaving''. Daryl doesn't say anything. He turns his head away. Maybe he really hates me.
''Why are you here?'', I have to ask. He is silent for a long time and I'm sure he isn't going to answer.
''I was mad'', he finally says.
''Okay'', is all I answer.
''Lori died'', he says.
''What?'', I ask in misbelieve.
''The baby is ok. She had found formula from somewhere. It was in her bag. We made it to the courtyard. We're gonna take it over'', he says.
''When?'', I ask.
''When I get back'', he says.
''Then why are you here?'', I ask. He just stares at me and I stare back. It's like he is trying to tell me something without words but I'm just not getting it.
''Ya can't stay here'', he says finally, ''Maybe month or two. Eventually ya have to come''. I know this isn't long tems solution.
''I haven't thought what I'll do. I just couldn't come to the prison. I feel like suffocation as it is. This was easiest place to come. It has a big iron fence. Seems safe enough. I still have lot of questions. I just don't know'', I try to explain to him. He bites his nails and nods. Sun starts to rise. I look out of the window. Few dead ones walks on the road. I have lot to do today. We are silent long time.
''So what's ya gonna do?'', he asks.
''Today?'', I ask and smile a little, ''I need to cover the downstair windows and find few more candles. And find some sweatpants''. He furrows his brows at the last one without looking at me. I get up and go straight to the closet. I take the plankets and leave downstears. I leave the blankets on the sofa and go to carage to get hammer. Right on the wall where it should be. Nails are over the floor scattered. I pocket them and then I go to the kitchen and grap a chair. I place the chair on the other side of the window and then take a blanket. I rise on to the chair. I'm just about to lift the hammer when it slips out of my hand.
''Get down'', Daryl says behind me and lifts me down.
''What are you doing?'', I asmost scream. He takes the blanket from me.
''Nails'', he says. I put my hands on my hips.
''What the hell do you think you're doing?'', I ask again. He stares me a second.
''Nails'', he says, ''Let me do this''.
''I'm perfectly cabaple of doing that'', I tell him and give the bloody nails.
''I know'', he says and start to put the plankets on the wall. I sit in the sofa. I feel tired again. Didn't I just get up? My eyes drift close and before I notice it I'm sleeping again.
She fell asleep so quickly. She was pretty restless all night. I don't know if it's stress or something. She doesn't even stir when I hammer the nails to the wall. When I'm finally done I wipe the sweat and rumage thru every cabinet. I found three candles. They have to be enough for while. I check the walking-in closet and find gray jogging pants. I don't know if these are what she was looking for but they'll have to do. They are quite big. I need to leave soon. I don't know what's going on in the prison. I hope everyone is ok. Rick was in shock. I feel bad for leaving so quickly. I just had to see that Raya was ok. I know there is people around to look after Rick, Carl and the baby. I go to Raya. She is still sleeping. I kneel infront of her and gently touch her arm.
''Raya'', I say softly. She stirs a little. ''Raya'' She opens her sleepy eyes. She wipes them.
''What?'', she asks slowly.
''I need to go now. I need to get back'', I tell her. She looks me a long time.
''I know'', she says. I get up and so does she.
''I found few candles. And the pants'', I tell her. She looks at them and then little smile form in her face.
''Thank you'', she says and then hugs me.
''Ok. That's enough'', I say when she has been on me quite some time. She lets go and wipes her eyes.
''Sorry'', she says. I lift my shoulder because I have nothing else to say. I turn and leave. When I'm at the door I look back at her. She nods to me. I see a tear escape her eye. I turn and leave. I hate to leave her here alone.
I watched as Daryl left. I changed the jogging pants on. They are big but that's ok. Then I go back to upstairs and make a nest to the bed and sleep more.
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