Sleepless, restless, useless, helpless, hopeless... just less
I wake alone. It’s not a miracle but I fell asleep in Daryls arms. Now I’m kind of missing them. That just feels weird. I blame my hormones. They are going all over the place anyways. I get up and comp my hair with my fingers. My hair is longer now but still pretty uneven. I don’t know what to do with it. Usually I just put it in bun. Still, it stick around in every direction.
Daryl walks back to upstairs to check on Raya. She is comping her hair with fingers. It’s lot longer than the last time he saw it. Uneven but pretty, he thinks. He watches as she makes a bun from it. He knocks to a door frame. Raya turn to look at him and smiles. She should smile more. It makes her look full of life, and he can see the mischievous manners in her eyes she referred yesterday.
’’Are you leaving?’’, I ask Daryl. Daryl sits next to me and gives me an apple.
’’Got to’’, he tells me. I bite in the apple and stare at the wall. I’m going to miss him like hell. I munch the apple.
’’Okay’’, I tell him without looking at him. I want to ask him to come get me quick but I don’t. He has lot of things in the prison to do.
’’You gonna be okay?’’, he asks. I turn to him and smile.
’’You know me. I can survive anything’’, I tell him and get up.
’’Come on lazy’’, I tell him playfully, ’’They are waiting.’’ I don’t want to feel sad. I walk Daryl to his bike. I even clime the gate. He tries to stop me but he can’t. I’m cheeky. I let him go first and then come. He huffs.
’’You know you shouldn’t’’, he tells me and looks down to me.
’’Psh, I’m pregnant not sick’’, I tell him.
’’Yeah, heavily so’’, he tells me. I open my mouth in disbelieve. He gives me pointed look. I know what he means.
’’Ya know what I mean’’, he tells me. His accent is thicker when he get embarrassed. It’s making me laugh. He hugs me. My belly is already so big that I feel like I’m so far away from him. It’s like a barrier between us. I can’t wait to get the baby out of me.
’’I know. I’m going to miss you’’, I tell him while we still hug.
’’I’ll come back to get you’’, he tells me. I close my eyes. I can already feel the tears. With deep breathe, I unattached myself from him. He climes to his bike and speeds away. I stare the dust that flies behind him. I turn back to the house. Don’t feel like going in. I feel so empty.
’’Merle’’, I yell. In a moment he comes to the door.
’’What?’’, he yells at me at the door. He isalways so kind.
’’Can you do me a favor?’’, I ask him. I don’t want to owe him but I don’t want to clime the other side either.
’’What do you want?’’, he asks gravelly. What does he think I’m gonna ask?
’’Can you bring my back bag and blade? I’d rather not clime there to get them’’, I ask him. I don’t think he will do it.
’’Fine’’, he tells me and disappears inside. I’m little bit surprised. Then he comes back. Merle walks in front of me and gives my stuff.
’’Better bring somethin’ good back’’, he tells me and walks back inside. With shake of my head I turn and hop on bicycle.
Blue house with massive hay/grass growing. It looks pretty but uncared for. Paint is peeling off. Roof looks like it need tending but windows are intact. So is the door. I cut the crass to get there. I knock the door and open it. Nobody comes to greet me. I slowly walk in. It looks lot worse than I thought it would. There is mess everywhere. Dank and dark house. Dust flies around me when I walk. I cover my mouth with a scarf Daryl had left behind. It smells like motor oil but I don’t mind. In the basement I find two corpses. They are like mummified. Looking at them I can understand the state of the house. Needles are in both of them arms. Just sticking there. Must’ve over dosed. I need to be careful here. I don’t want to poke myself in their needles. I walk back upstairs. In the bedroom, under the bed I find cans. I also find candles and lighter. Under the couch I find some kind of meds. I take them. Maybe Merle knows what they are. I’m so creeped out after the dark house that I hop on my bicycle andpedalback home.
I close the front door.
’’Did you find anything?’’, Merle yells from living room. I take the cans and candles in kitchen and walk with the pill bag to Merle. He gets to a sitting position and I sit next to him.
’’You know what these are?’’, I ask him. He takes the bag and pushes the pills one way and then another. Then he looks to me.
’’Nothing for you, sweet bean’’, he tells me and gets up.
’’What?’’, I ask him surprised.
’’These are my kind of medicines’’, he tells me, ’’See you in a couple of days. I’m taking vacation.’’ He disappears in his room and I can hear him lock the door. Should I be worried?
Daryl stares Rick with the baby. He has finally come around. Ricks eyes still has this look tells that everything isn’t as okay as he makes everyone believes. Carl walks to them. He is going to be good big brother. You can already see that. Daryl looks to the woods. Maybe he should go see if in the traps has something. Time seems to be going crawling. Made him antsy. In two days he is going to get Raya to them. He already talked about it with Rick. She has cell to put together. Carol and Beth we nice enough to decorate it for her. He couldn’t do it. He didn’t have eyes for something like that. Unless you liked dirty clothes and arrows. Daryl walks to the gate bow to his shoulder.
’’Gonna check the traps’’, he says to Clenn.
’’Okay’’, Glenn replies. Daryl walks straight to the woods, disappearing in the wilderness.
Next days I don’t feel so good. I drink water but I can’t eat anything. Everything I eat comes up. So, I just don’t. I can survive couple days with water. I’m just nauseated. I roll in the bed. First I’m hot then I’m cold. I haven’t seen Merle. Maybe his tripping somewhere. I don’t know if I should tell Daryl about it. In a way it was my fault. I brought the pills. I can’t think that now. Rolling to other side of the bed and puking the water I just drank. After all came out, I wipe sweat from my forehead.
Daryl finally gets to go to Raya. How two days can feel so excruciating? He has truck under him. Lot of room for Ryay in the car. Daryl drives too fast. In no time he is there. Daryl parks the car near the gate and gets out. He climes from the gate. The front door is unlocked. Alarm bells start to ring Daryl’s head. Nobody comes to greet him. Everywhere is quiet. He runs inside. Daryl finds Merle is sleeping on the couch. Daryl walks to him and kicks his shoe, hard. Merle wakes up.
’’What now?’’, he asks cranky.
’’Where’s Raya?’’, Daryl asks when Merle sits up. Daryl’s heart is bounding in his chest. What if something happened to her?
’’How the hell should I know? That bitch is making me crazy anyways’’, Merle says although he hasn’t seen her in couple of days now that he thinks it or is it more? He can’t really tell. He popped few pills in his mouth, and they did the trick.
’’Don’t call her that’’, Daryl says angrily and leans in. Merle shakes his head with attitude. Merle has noticed how fond of his brother is about the girl. He hasn’t told him what happened with her. Merle is itching to know. Daryl leaves and walks upstairs. Big ball of anxiousness disappears when he sees Raya in a tight ball in the bed. Daryl sits next to her and tries gently to wake her up, but she doesn’t even stir.
’’Raya’’, he says to her and shakes little harder. She goes even tighter ball and her teeth clatter. Daryl tries her forehead and it’s flaming hot. Daryl gets up and walks back to Merle.
’’How long has she been sick?’’, Daryl asks.
’’How should I know? She is a big girl, I don’t need to take care of her’’, Merle tells him. Daryl paces infront of him. This could be bad. All the possibilities runs in Daryl’s mind.
’’Has she been out?’’, Daryl asks. Hopefully she doesn’t have been bitten.
’’I don’t know’’, he tells. She was out, wasn’t she? Merle thinks hard. She got him the pills. Not that she knows what they are. He doesn’t tell that to Daryl. Daryl doesn’t need to know about his using again. Daryl walks back to Raya. He shakes her gently.
’’Raya’’, he says when she opens her eyes little, ’’Have you been out?’’
’’No, please no’’, she says silently. No use. She is too sick to answer. He knows he needs to check her. He pulls her up. She is twitching little.
’’Raya, I need to check you for bites’’, Daryl tells her and starts to pull her shirt off. She tries to wrap her arms around her. Goospimbles brake to her skin. When her shirt is off, he checks her. He can’t find any bite marks. That’s a good sign. She leans on him. She pushes more on him trying to get warm.
’’Raya’’, he whispers to her, ’’I need to check you.’’ She seems desperate to get warm. He pushes her to the bed and takes her pants away. He sees first tear fall. Daryl checks her legs. Nothing. She is just sick. Or then it’s the baby. If the baby dies and turns.. He can’t go there.
’’Raya. Raya I need to know what medicines you can eat’’, Daryl tries to get any contact to her. She is just crying silently.
’’C-c-cold’’, she says hoarsely. Daryl wraps his arms around her. Her skin burns him. There is nothing he can do other than be with her. She just needs to fight this fever on her own. Daryl takes the blanket and wraps it around her. Raya pushes herself to Daryl. He wraps arm around her. Her belly is already so big that it pushes him away. It feels weird. He doesn’t want to push against it. It’s hard but soft at the same time. Daryl sights. Two days goes changing her sheets, making her drink and try to feed her something. It’s 24 hour job. Finally, he notices the fever is gone. Raya still sleeps. Her body is probably tired of fighting the fever. He lays with her in the bed. It’s a big bed so, they have more than enough room. Still, Raya stays against him. He doesn’t mind. Daryl closes his eyes and hopes to get few hours of sleep. Merle walks silently to the door of master bedroom. Raya and Daryl are sleeping there together. Daryl has been nursing her for two days. He hasn’t seen his brother do that to many people. This girl is something special to him. Merle huffs and decides to go see if in the bag of pills he finds anything good. He locks his door behind him.
I open my eyes. I feel like shit. I’m wrapped in something warm. It kind of feels nice. My joints hurt. I heave a sight and close my eyes again.
’’Ya okay?’’, Daryl asks huskily.
’’Daryl?’’, I ask. He is somewhere near. I just don’t have energy to look around.
’’Hmph’’, he answers.
’’What are you doing here?’’, I ask and push even harder for the warmth.
’’Ya were sick. Didn’t know what medicine you could eat’’, he tells me. There are vibrations when he talks and it feels weird on my head.
’’Here’re the lovebirds’’, I hear Merle say.
’’Shut up’’, Daryl answers to him and pulls blanket on top of me. And then I realize I’m only wearing my underwear. I can feel his hand on my hips. I open my eyes. Yep, he is right there. I try to locate all my limbs. This shouldn’t be embarrassing but it is. I can feel my face get hot already. And more that I think my position, it’s getting worse. My leg – is between his. My hands – are under his shirt, both of them. Of course, he has clothes on. I can’t move. I feel his skin on mine. His arm is under my head. I feel so small and safe.
’’How long was I sick?’’, I ask and break the silence.
’’Two days since I got here’’, he tells me.
’’Thank you for taking care of me’’, I say to him. Daryl mumbles something. He seems tired so I stay silent. Slowly his breathing calms and he is sleeping. This feels nice, after all those days with Merle. We are always fighting about something. I close my eyes. His fingers twitch on my hips, and he takes me more firmly against him.
Next time I wake up, I’m holding Daryl’s hand and his other hand is on my belly. Baby kicks on the side of the belly where Daryl’s hands is. There comes weird noise behind me. He lifts his hand away from my belly. I turn my head to look. Daryl has weird expression on his face.
’’I told you it has started to seriously kick’’, I say to him sleepily. He let’s again weird noise.
’’Come on. Feel it’’, I encourage him. Slowly he puts his hand back. Baby moves around. We are silent. There is something odd in his face. I want to ask him what he is thinking. There is loud crash that comes from somewhere in the house. I let a big sigh.
’’What now?’’, I ask and get up. I get dressed while Daryl finds Merle.
’’What the hell are ya doin´’’, Daryl asks Merle.
’’Nothing’’, he tells Daryl. Daryl feels mad. He has been three days trying to keep Raya alive. Giving her water and something to eat.
’’Ya know, ya seem so attach to her’’, Merle tells his brother, ’’Wanna tell what that’s all about?’’ He is challenging his brother. He knows there is something between them. Daryl stares him. He can’t say anything. He knows there is lot of stuff between them. Merle just doesn’t know.
’’I’m gonna take her back with me’’, he tells Merle. He nods to his brother.
’’Ya come see your big brother Merle?’’, Merle asks.
’’Ya know, I do’’, Daryl tells him. He leaves him in the room alone.
Raya is cleaning herself. I still feels like shit. I had some bug or something, virus maybe. She sees Daryl walking to her. He stays standing at the door.
’’I have a car’’, he says. I look at him. Daryl doesn’t look her. He bits his lip. Raya has seen him do that when he is thinking. I’ve been sick several days.
’’You think it’s safe?’’, I ask. He looks at me. I don’t want to put anyone to risk. He knows it.
’’I don’t know..’’, he says. I want to leave with him so bad. I nod to him ’cause I can’t talk. There isn’t gas to go around all the time. He made this trip to come get me. I feel sad. I can’t risk them if this fever gets to anyone else. We both know it.
’’Maybe Merle can fix the car’’, I tell Daryl without looking him. In the corner of my eye I can see him nod.
’’I go talk to him’’, Daryl says and disappears from the door. The first tear falls. I wipe it away. Daryl tells me later that Merle promised to fix the car. I decided not to tell Daryl about the pills. It’s stupid, I know. I want to talk with Merle first. Other side of the gate I watch him get in the car and drive away. I don’t even try to clime over this time. I’m not going anywhere.
’’Where’s Raya?’’, Rick asks. Daryl turns to him.
’’She got sick’’, he tells Rick.
’’Is she okay?’’, Rick asks worriedly.
’’Yeah, that’s why it took so long to get back’’, Daryl answers to him. Rick looks around.
’’Then why she ain’t here?’’, he asks.
’’She didn’t want to risk anyone’’, Daryl tells him and bites his nails. He is way pissed.
’’I’m gonna see the traps’’, he tells Rick and walks away without hearing his answer. He needs air or something to kill. Long strikes he walks out of the gate.
Finally ready. Let me know what do you think about it :D