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Need You Now

Chapter 62

Previously in the Present:

Sam gave quite the drunken performance, had a small argument with Cassie and then a heck of one with Daryl. At the end, she fell apart over the guilt that she'd been holding in for losing their baby and thinking it was her fault.




The Present: Saturday night, March 11th, 2012


Daryl held her while she cried, his embrace offering her comfort in a way that no one else had ever been able to provide. Sam’s tears had finally subsided, leaving her with rosy red cheeks and a snotty nose; not to mention, being physically and mentally exhausted to the point that she didn’t know if it were even possible to stand up and go upstairs to bed. At this juncture in the evening, she was highly considering just sleeping on the floor, since even the prospect of crawling up on to the couch behind her seemed daunting. However, there was still the matter of Daryl and what to do with him. Tyler’s words from earlier in the night were echoing in the back of her mind as she pulled back from Daryl’s embrace and scrubbed her hands over her tear stained cheeks. Her brother wasn’t the only one tired of seeing her cry over Daryl Dixon. Sam was more than ready to be done with the assault on her emotions that only her ex-husband could bring out in her.

Sensing the change in Sam even before she pulled away from his embrace, Daryl reluctantly released his hold on her and watched as she scrubbed her hands over her face; avoiding looking directly at him as she gathered her composure. He could tell she wanted to say something to him. Sam cut a glance in his direction, opened her mouth, but closed it quickly before looking away once more. Daryl didn’t blame her for being at a loss for words, their conversation…their fight…having taken an unintended detour. Figuring that Sam’s admission of guilt, the burden she had been carrying around in her heart, left her feeling raw and emotionally distraught, he reached out and brushed back a tendril of hair that was stuck to the dried tears on her cheeks. “You okay?”

Sam stared blankly at the couch cushion and nodded her head, while thinking that she hadn’t been OK in a long time. She had been carrying around the weight of the world on her shoulders since the accident that had led to her losing their baby. The psychiatrist she had seen a handful of times the summer after the accident, and the dissolution of her marriage that followed quickly in its wake, had said she was suffering from survivor’s guilt, along with the diagnosis of post-traumatic stress disorder. Not that the diagnosis fixed the problem, Sam still suffered from the experience, the loss, spent every single day since then blaming herself, but at least she had been given medication to help relieve her from the panic attacks she still suffered from to this day, although not as severely as she once had.

“Sam?” Daryl leaned to the side to try and see Sam’s face better, only to find her staring blankly at the couch. When he got no response, he reached out and took her hand in his, threading their fingers together and was relieved when she didn’t jerk her hand away and actually responded with a gentle squeeze, which was reassuring. With his other hand, he touched her lightly on the chin and turned her head to face him. “Talk to me.”

“Daryl,” Sam murmured his name, but didn’t say anything else as she tried to gather her thoughts. Her brain was screaming at her to do one thing, while her heart was begging her to do another. For the past twelve years, in spite of everything that had went on between them, all she had ever wanted was to have Daryl back in her life. And now that he was here, as though her wishes had finally been granted, she didn’t know what to do. Of course, as her brother had so painfully pointed out, Daryl hadn’t uttered a single word about wanting to get back together with her. That should have made her decision an easy one, but with Daryl Dixon nothing had ever been simple. Realizing what she needed to do to protect herself, to shield her heart from being shattered by him once more, Sam pulled her hand from his and looked him in the eye as she said, “I need you to go home.”

His brow knitted together with confusion as he watched Sam scooted away from him and started to stand up. He thought they had made some progress tonight and now she was sending him away? Granted, it hadn’t been fun, unless you found it fun to watch the love of your life sob in your arms, but it had been progress nonetheless in his eyes. And now, she wanted him to leave? Shoving off the floor, he shook his head as he grabbed her bicep and turned Sam back to face him. “I ain’t leaving. You don’t need to be alone…not tonight, not after everything.”

“I’ve done just fine without you for years, Daryl. I’ll be fine without you tonight.” Sam replied bitterly as she yanked her arm away. He didn’t have to say anything, she could see the hurt in his eyes at her dismissal. Dropping her shoulders, she smiled softly at him, although it never reached her eyes, which were only filled with sorrow. “Why is it always so hard with us? It’s just so damned difficult, all the time.”

“Ain’t nothing worth having gonna come easy.” Daryl replied quickly, without having think of a response, because they had already had this discussion before and that time he had given the wrong answer. He wondered if she remembered what had been said that day, wondered if she recalled anything other than him walking out in a storm of anger. He shrugged his shoulder and reached for her once more, only grabbing hold of the air around her as Sam moved away.

“What do you want from me?” Sam repeated the question she’d asked him the first night he had shown back up in her life, only a week ago, but it seemed like so much longer.

“Nothing. Don’t want nothing from you.” Daryl knew that was a lie. He wanted everything from Sam. He wanted her forgiveness, he wanted to feel her arms wrapped around him once more, he wanted her to love him again, but he didn’t want to upset her any further tonight by voicing his desires. Tonight, he just wanted to be with her, wanted to make sure that Sam would be alright after having her breakdown in his arms over the guilt she had been carrying around on her shoulders, weighing down her soul and breaking her heart for so many years.

“It’s just too hard, Daryl.” Sam whispered as she crossed her arms and hugged herself, more in an attempt to keep from reaching out to Daryl and falling into his arms instead of comforting herself. She had given him a chance to say that he wanted her back in his life again, wanted her love once more, and he hadn’t. “It’s too hard having you here and…” She trailed off, not daring to finish the sentence and let him know that it was too hard having him there and not having him; his touch, his body, his love.

“Tough.” Daryl growled, taking her words at face value, not understanding what was truly in Sam’s heart. “I ain’t leaving. Not this time.”

“I’m not asking you to leave Collins. I wouldn’t do that to Jacey.” Sam unwound her arms from around her torso and moved towards the exit. Standing next to the door, far enough away from the glow of the lanterns that her face was obscured in the shadows and didn’t give away the anguish in her eyes. “Her relationship with you is more important than mine. I wasn’t lying when I said I’d deal with it, with you being here, for her. It might just take me a little while to deal, and I think I deserve that.”

“So, what? Where’s that leave us?” Daryl stood his ground, refused to close the distance between them and go to Sam; knowing that her position at the door was clearly meant to show him that she wanted him to leave. “What about Jacey? How am I supposed to see her and not you, too?”

“There is no ‘us’, Daryl. There hasn’t been in a long time. We’ll work it out, with Jacey. A schedule or something? She can stay with you, too, some…if that’s something you’d want. But, as far as we go…we’re just two people with a common interest.” Sam gripped the handle of the door tightly, the cold metal edge bit in to her palm, and pulled it open. “But, I do want you to leave. Go home, Daryl. I’m tired and I just want to go to bed.”

Daryl figured he was fighting a losing battle, that once Sam had her mind made up there was no way to change it and thus, he wasn’t staying with her, unless he planned on sleeping on the sidewalk outside. “You don’t need to be alone. Not after…tonight. Being upset and all.” He choked on the words that needed to be said. “Least let me go get Ryan.”

Sam blinked at him, confused for a split second as to why Daryl wanted to go get Ryan, before she realized that he didn’t know that they had broken up…or that he wasn’t even in town. Averting her eyes, not wanting to see the look in his eyes when she admitted what had transpired between them; not wanting Daryl to know that he was the real reason behind their split, she explained, “He’s on another run. And, I…um, we aren’t exactly together right now. I mean, we’re taking a break from things…from us.”

“Oh.” Daryl tried to keep his face neutral, attempted to keep the look of complete elation out of his expression. He thought about suggesting that he go find Cassie and bring her back to stay with Sam, but seeing that she was last seen heading arm and arm with Rick towards her apartment that didn’t seem like the best idea. Of course, Daryl highly doubted that Rick was going to do anything other than walk Cassie to her apartment, but then again, if he’d have been asked the day before if Rick would be out with Cassie Delaney he would have adamantly shook his head no, so what did he know about what Rick Grimes would and wouldn’t do? Daryl crossed the room to stand next to the open door, and eyeballed Sam briefly before asking, “Sure you’ll be okay?”

“As okay as I’ll ever be, I reckon.” Sam wanted to reach out to him, grab hold of his shirt, pull him close and fall in to his arms. Somehow, she managed to get her emotions under control long enough to refrain from latching on to him and begging Daryl to never let her go again. Instead, she stood ramrod straight while clutching the door as though by doing so she wouldn’t reach out for him, and watched as he crossed the threshold into the night. “Good night.”

Daryl barely got both feet onto the sidewalk before Sam closed the door behind him; the sound of Sam turning the lock over clicked loudly behind him. He turned and studied the plywood covered glass door that still boasted the family name in bold white letters across the top and stood there far longer than he probably should have, half hoping that Sam would change her mind and come find him. Once it became apparent that she wasn’t going to open the door again, Daryl’s shoulders dropped with resignation and he headed in the direction of the home that he had once shared with her.

Inside, Sam dug deep within herself and located enough energy to make it up the stairs and into her apartment, where she peeled off her clothes, leaving them lying in a heap on the floor of the loft, and pulled on the worn black button up shirt that had seen its better days. Once she was buried beneath the mounds of blankets, she rolled over on her side and pulled the picture that was tucked beneath her pillow out. Using the tiny flashlight she kept beside the mattress for emergencies, she studied the image and her heart ached at the sight of the two of them entangled in one another’s arms. If only she could travel back in time and fix everything that had went wrong, undo all of the heartache and pain, and just be back in Daryl’s arms and in love, but she couldn’t. With tears in her eyes, she slipped the picture back under her pillow and turned off the flashlight. Laying there in the dark, Sam cried herself to sleep.

Notes

Comments

@aphishinthec


Wow! Thank you so much. Glad you enjoyed it again. :)

Serenity Serenity
12/1/16

I binge read this too over thanksgiving weekend and literally could not put it down. I was a constant reader when the updates were regular, but sadly am the worst at remembering to review. Excellent story to binge read!!

aphishinthec aphishinthec
12/1/16

@Tripper


Squee! Glad you liked it just as much the second time around. :)

Serenity Serenity
11/28/16

So, I may have just gorged myself on this story and read it all over again in a few days. This is one of my very favourite stories of all time. So freakin' good. Thanks again for this wicked story!

Tripper Tripper
11/25/16

@Lunabelle4


Thank you so much!

Serenity Serenity
11/14/16