Login with:

Facebook

Twitter

Tumblr

Google

Yahoo

Aol.

Mibba

Your info will not be visible on the site. After logging in for the first time you'll be able to choose your display name.

Remind Me

Something I Can Never Have

In this place it seems like such a shame
Though it all looks different now
I know it’s still the same
Everywhere I look you’re all I see
Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be

Come on tell me

You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I’m down to just one thing
And I’m starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I just want something
I just want something that I can never have.


Chapter 6

Ra had gotten used to not sleeping well. Dreams of the past kept her tossing and turning and nothing she did seemed to make it better. It was as if her subconscious was working against her. She should have gotten the best sleep of her life that night knowing that she wasn’t alone. Knowing that Daryl was outside keeping watch. Then again, she wondered if he would allow a walker to bite her just so he could be the one to “put her down.” He might enjoy that. He did however apologize to her this morning. She was still a little hazy on the reason for it but it was a step in the right direction for him to even speak to her directly without lashing out in anger. After she had dressed, Daryl had pushed passed her into the tent and didn’t say another word, just fell onto his back on his cot, folded his arms across his chest and fell right to sleep.

Ra walked over where Lori and Carol had already begun to clean up from breakfast. She smiled at the two women, embarrassed she woke up late and more embarrassed to ask if there were any leftovers when her stomach’s growl made her aware of just how hungry she really was.
“Sorry, Daryl informed me I had slept to long and was running late for chores.”
Lori and Carol looked at one another and shared a laugh, continuing to pick up plates and other garbage. Lori smiled over at Ra.
“I don’t even think Daryl Dixon knows what “chores” we do around here let alone what time we begin them. Besides, you probably needed rest.”
Carol handed her a paper plate cover with a paper towel and gave her a half smile.
“It’s not warm but if your hungry it’s still good. It’s just some scrambled eggs and a piece of ham.”
Ra had to resist the urge to rip the plate from the older woman’s hand and shovel the food into her mouth greedily.”
She sat down on one of the lawn chairs, picking up each piece of egg with her fork and savoring every bite. It was already getting dark the day before when she arrived at the camp so it gave Ra a chance to really take a look around. They had gotten lucky to find such a beautiful peaceful place. The large farmhouse and barn loomed over there small camp like large city buildings. The long dry wheat fields and grass were enough to camouflage the tiny tents and the distance between them showed just how close they all must have gotten. Minus Daryl’s tent which was set a little farther back then the rest of them. Figures. She finished up the eggs and took a drink from her bottle of water.
“So where is everyone? Are they out looking for this Sophia girl?
The very mention of her daughters name made Carol’s body freeze up. She squeezed her eyes shut and let out a loud bated breath. Lori pursed her lips together and rubbed the other woman’s shoulder’s briefly.
“Sophia is Carol’s daughter. She got away from us on that same road they found you on yesterday. We were snuck up on by a herd of walkers. Two of them chased her into the woods. We haven’t seen her since.”
Ra watched a tear fall from Carol’s eye before she brushed it away looking as if it were more of an annoyance then an a physical reaction to an emotion.
“I’m sorry” Ra said lowering her eyes down to her now empty plate.
“Bu..But it’s okay” Carol said standing up and brushing her hands on her pants “Everyone has been looking for her. No one more then Daryl. He’s about as desperate to find her as I am. I don’t know what I would do without him.”
Ra smiled a bit uncomfortably. She would be lying if she didn’t feel the slightest bit of jealousy at the comment. But she also was happy to see that someone else knew what a lot of people didn’t. That below the rough, shit talkin, hardass, redneck he chose to present to everyone Daryl Dixon was a good man. Vulnerable and sensitive. A lost child himself.
The women turned to see Shane and Rick walking down the dirt road leading up to the camp guns firmly at their sides and covered in sweat. The look of disappointment was etched on Carol’s face but rather then voice it she went back to her chores. Rick walked over to the picnic table and grabbed a bottle of water, drinking quickly.
“Nothing?” Lori asked.
“Nothing” Shane said walking past her “Not a hint or a clue since Daryl found her doll.”
Lori nodded like she was listening to him but kept her eyes on her husband. Didn’t take a genius to sense some kind of tension there. They heard the sound of a zipper as Daryl ducked down slightly to come out of his tent.
“Well then let’s git back out there.” He said double checking the bolts on his crossbow.
“You’ve slept for a half hour and now you wanna go back out there? After what happened the other day Hershel said you need your rest.” Carol reprimanded
“What happened the other day?” Ra questioned.
“He got shot. It was an accident but he got shot. And on top of that he fell and took an arrow to his side.”
“You need rest. Your gonna hurt yourself worse then..”
“I don’t need no rest. An’ ya got a lot of nerve tellin’ me what I need.” Daryl said cutting Ra off.
The group grew silent as Daryl and Ra exchanged looks. Again, Ra felt her anger and irritation boiling up again in her. She tossed her plate out and turned back to them.
“Fine. Then I’m going out to help too.”
Rick looked over at Daryl waiting for his argument and was surprised when none came.
“We should have someone here with the girls.” Shane said.
“Glenn’s here and you’ll need me” She said “I’m an expert tracker. Ask Daryl”
“Well Daryl?” Rick shrugged “She’s your wife it’s your call.”
Daryl scoffed and threw his crossbow onto his back. “She ain’t my wife. She can do what she wants. I don’t give a shit. But she’ll come with me. I don’t need her messin anyone else up and getting’em killed.”
Lori and Rick both smirked at one another. Ra went back to her bag and grabbed her blades out. She also opted to take one of the smaller guns from Rick’s stash. Daryl said nothing just walked past her and headed out towards the woods. Ra trailing a little ways behind him.

They said nothing for what seemed like hours. Every now and then one of them would stop to look closer at any indentation that could have been a footprint or scrap of clothing or garbage. Daryl’s face showed no signs of recognition at any of the clues that day. Ra knew the task at hand was a serious one but couldn’t help find herself enjoying the time alone in the woods with him. Just like old times when they used to run off into the woods together. Though they spoke more and spent a lot of time making out. Definitely not happening today. She was even more caught off guard when Daryl was the first to start conversation.
“So how did ya end up with Lu?”
“After I left the house in daddy’s truck I had to drive passed the bar. I saw Lu outside with Leah and a few others. They were stocking up some of the cars and trucks. We all just decided we were better off being together then going our separate ways if we were all heading to Atlanta.”
Daryl stopped at the small creek and crouched down to wet his bandana with some water and wrapped it around his neck.
“Atlanta eh? Apparently ya didn’t git the memo bout it belongin ta the walkers.”
“Ya well, It wasn’t just the walkers that got to them. The armies had gotten desperate. It was chaos. They shot and killed anything that moved dead or not. Myself, Leah and Lu were the only ones to make it out before they started bombing the city” She paused to take a drink of water “Leah had gotten bit in the city and never told us. Lu had to take care of her.”
“Leah was bout as smart as a box’o rocks and about as useless.” Daryl laughed.
Ra said nothing but kept her eye’s focused on something in the distance. Daryl suddenly felt ashamed for making such an inappropriate comment especially about someone who was now dead.
“What happened to Merle, Daryl?” She said still not looking at him.
Every time his name came out of her mouth he felt every muscle in his body tense up. Merle. He convinced himself she was asking not out of concern for him but because she wanted Merle there in case she was feeling a little lonely at night and needed a screw. He winced at the thought of them together like he had done so many times before. Merle touching her, kissing her, running his rough hands over her soft body. She’s his wife goddamn it! WAS his wife. IS his wife. He become aware of Ra staring at him curiously.
“Why?!” He finally said tightly, poking at the muddy ground with a bolt.
“Because I want to know how long it’s gonna be peaceful at the camp.”
The comment held no humor behind it. It was very matter of factly. She didn’t even flinch or look at him. She didn’t care if he was alive or dead. Merle Dixon was a bad person. Not being around Merle had caused a change in Daryl. He was stronger in every aspect of the word. If Merle did survive and came looking for his little brother he would destroy the person Daryl was becoming on his own. She noticed Daryl taking a few steps back from her he cocked his head to the side and stared at her blankly.
“Ya don’t give a shit if he’s alive or dead do ya? You’ll fuck’em but ya won’t reach a hand out ta save’em?!”
Ra had about enough of that kind of talk. She had reached her boiling point and felt something snap inside of her. She whipped around and slammed Daryl into the tree behind him, grabbing a fistful of his shirt and pinning it to the oversized oak with a blade. Daryl had almost forgotten what she lacked in strength she definitely made up for in speed and reflex. She grabbed his face with both hands before he had a chance to yell and looked dead into his ice blue eyes.
“Listen to me Dixon! I know Merle had you trained like his little puppy and I hated him for it. I hated him because he tried to make you into what he was. But I knew not even a million Merle Dixons could make one of you Daryl. Your not programmed the way he is. You don’t have it in you. It’s why I loved you. It’s why I still love you.”
The words made Daryl freeze up against the tree and stop his hands from clawing at the knife. He looked down into her deep brown eyes that now looked glassy at the start of tears.
“You can think for yourself now Daryl. Merle isn’t here.” Ra pulled the knife out of the tree and released him. She walked past him not saying another word because she knew he was still digesting them.
Merle isn’t here.
Daryl could feel the burn of tears beginning to well up as he slid down to the base of the tree. He hadn’t let any emotion really show since they had left the campsite. He cried in the truck on the way to the CDC thinking of how his brother was going to feel when he returned to the camp to find it abandoned. He cried at how lonely Merle would feel and how pissed at him he would be if and when they reconnected. Now he cried because maybe, just maybe Ra was right. Maybe he was better off without Merle and that thought scared him more then anything. They walked back to camp in silence. Both of them separated by a few feet. Daryl walking behind Ra, eyeing her as if he was waiting for her to turn around attack him. Ra kept her eyes to the ground lost in thought and pushing down the guilt building inside her at what she had said Daryl. She dismissed the feeling reminding herself it was something that had to be said. Daryl was hard headed but he wasn’t oblivious to reason. At least she hoped.

The group watched Daryl and Ra cross the field towards them. The tension obvious on both their faces. Daryl sat down in an empty chair and reached out to take a plate of food from Carol, trying not to meet her sad eyes and see the doubt once again. T stood up and offered his chair to Ra as she walked past. She gave him a half smile and walked over to her bag removing soap and a small bottle of shampoo.
“Thanks T-dog. I’m not really hungry. I just want to get this sweat off of me.” She said heading towards the path that led down to the creek.”
“It’s starting to get dark out” she heard Andrea warn.
The blonde turned and looked over at Rick and Shane for some back up knowing Daryl wouldn’t say anything.
“Andrea’s right. No one goes out alone.” Rick said.
“I have my blades I’ll be fine.”
She didn’t wait for anymore protests and continued on her way, shoving a knife into the holster on her hip. Everyone turned to look at Daryl who sat shoveling spoonful’s of stew into his mouth. He looked up to see everyone’s eye’s on him.
“What?”
“Daryl she can’t be out on her own. I don’t know what’s going on with you two but we can’t lose another one.” Carol’s voice was almost a whisper as her eye’s met his.
He grunted and put his bowl of food on the dirt ground still chewing the food he had in his mouth. He hated how Carol was able to do that. It was like when a parent would give you a look that meant business but they didn’t have to say anything.
“Aw hell.” he said as he grabbed his crossbow and held it loosely at his side. “It’s like I got a kid now.”
Carol looked hurt as she went back to handing out bowls of food.
“Hey Carol I’m sorry I didn’ mean it like the wa…”
“It’s okay Daryl” she said a bit louder “Just go get her.”
He mentally kicked himself as he walked down to the creek. Stupid STUPID thing to say Dixon. He held his crossbow across his shoulder blades while kicking up dirt on the trail. He wasn’t mad at her. Why did he say something like that. He was mad at Ra. Wasn’t he? Yes he was. If she hadn’t have turned up he would be sitting in the group eating and resting, instead he’s chasing after her like her big protector.
But you are her protector. You made a promise to her Dad you’d take care of her.
That was before, he told the voice in his head.
Before what? Before the world went to shit and she needed you the most?
NO. Before she fucked my brother.
Did she really Dixon? She hated your brother so much she had to have sex with him? Did you even see them together?
Alcohol makes ya do crazy shit.
The girl used to be able to out drink even you and you two never had sex. What was so different about this time?
It was just different okay. Everything is different.
Even the way you feel about her? Even the way she feels about you. Why? Because you don’t love her anymore?
That’s not true I still lov….
Daryl’s thoughts were cut short when he made it to the end of the path. Ra stood on one of the rocks streaming water above it like a small waterfall. She was in a black lace bra and black boy shorts. The last couple weeks of barely eating were evident but skin and bone were replaced with lean muscles. He had seen her nearly naked a few times when they used to go skinny dipping in the lake in the woods but there was something about the wet fabric against her skin that made it almost impossible for Daryl to not want to join her. He watched mesmerized while she washed her long black hair, the bubbles trailing down her back and gathering in the center of her chest. She had just picked up the bar of soap when Daryl heard the crack of a branch a little ways behind him. He quickly grabbed the lowest hanging branch on the tree next to him and pulled himself up onto it. He laid himself on his stomach balancing his crossbow at the edge and patiently waited for the source of the noise to make itself known. He could see a form moving slowly through the bushes heading in Ra’s direction. The sound of the water must have drowned out the noise because her attention was not on anything else but cleaning the dirt from her skin. He mumbled under his breath, cursing her for not being more alert knowing she knew better. His body relaxed when he saw Shane’s bald head peak over one of the shrubs. Daryl sighed and lowered his weapon to balance it on the tree limb. He looked back over at Ra then back to Shane who despite the half naked woman in front of him showed no signs of turning away from the sight. Daryl felt a mix of anger and jealousy as Shane positioned him next to a tree and leaned against it. Who the fuck did he think he was watching her like that.
“Help ya wit somethin? Daryl asked his tone was low and ominous.
Shane looked surprised while he stuttered and searched for the right words to explain himself. He laughed uncomfortably and put his hat back on, his face returning to the same cold and hardened look the group had grown accustomed to ever since coming to the farm.
“Yeah. Ya disappeared and it’s dark. I don’t have time to be wastin on followin’ you and your….whatever the fuck she is around when I need to be up at the camp.”
Daryl jumped down from the tree and narrowed his eyes at the tall man in front of him.
“Then what’r ya stickin round for? I’m here. She’s fine.” he stepped closer in a threatening manner “Run along.”
Shane chuckled one more time and looked over at Ra then back to Daryl and stood to his full height.
“She’s ain’t even your wife anymore accordin to you.” Shane said looking Daryl up and down “Then again it’s probably in her best interest. Girl like that shouldn’t be with trash like you anyway. Least ya saved her the trouble.”
Daryl opened his mouth to say something but had noticed Ra was coming down from the rock and immersing herself back into the lake slowly making her way towards the dry ground.
He turned back to Shane who was already heading back up the pathway.
“Hey Shane.” he said softly.
Shane rolled his eyes and turned back towards Daryl.
“I better not catch ya lookin at her again.”
The cop chuckled one more time before disappearing through the trees.
Daryl stood watching Ra as she walked slowly from the water. Droplets still trickling down her bare skin. She bent over to squeeze out her hair, much to Daryl’s delight. It was then he noticed the long chain dangling from her neck. The small ring spinning wildly as it untangled itself. When she stood back up he was able to see it fall back against her wet skin and bury itself in the middle of her breasts. It was the wedding ring he had given her. Not only did she still have it but she was still wearing it. Right next to her heart. Daryl scratched the back of his head and sighed. She had been right about one thing. With Merle gone he was going to have to figure out all these feelings on his own. He watched as she dried off and dressed walking quickly back to camp.

Comments

A wonderful original idea and story. Please come back to it soon.

lewis7 lewis7
5/4/15

Update please!!!!!

Gilyflower Gilyflower
4/1/15

please update

Blakeray Blakeray
4/17/14
Great story!
looking forward to next chapters.
neentje neentje
9/24/13
Just started the first chapter and I have to say Ra made a hell of an appearence! Great story! I happen to be a fan of Slayer also~
Thewalkingdixon Thewalkingdixon
6/23/13