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Ain't It Enough

Don't Ride That Horse

Seein' bears, ascendin' clown
Shut our whole damn circus down
Crappin' up in Joliet
We haven't wrecked the trailer yet
But we will
We're gonna get killed
Macyn let out a deep breath as she shut the door behind her. Carl looked at her expectantly, and Rick's countenance was grim. The news she had was somewhere in between their two sets of expectations.

"We've stopped her contractions, for now. I'm pumping her full of everything I can, until Daryl and Merle get back – then, honestly, I'll be pumping her full of more medicines. Thing is, I can't stop the contractions forever. She's got to relax more. That means no one speaks a word of what's going wrong or even looks anything but like they had fucking rainbows for breakfast anytime they go in that room. Everything is about Lori and the baby, or they'll both die."

Rick let out a shaky breath. "Oh my God …"

"You can save her, right?"

This came from Carl. Macyn's heart broke for the millionth time since everything had started going to a new level of hell. As she had thought all those hours before, it tore her apart that they had to ask someone so young to defend their homestead. But, here he was now, concerned for his mother and his new sibling, and all at once, he looked innocent and childlike again. Where killing people and walkers had hardened him over, this possible loss changed all of that in an instant.

She swallowed hard and lowered herself to his level. "I'm going to do everything I can, Carl. I promise."

"I believe you," he told her quietly.

Macyn resisted the urge to hug him, not wanting to tip him off to her own emotions. Rick asked if they could see Lori; Macyn reminded them to be quiet and optimistic. Lori and the baby both needed rest, so they shouldn't keep Lori talking long.

Outside, it was nearing dark. That fact didn't escape her notice, right along with the fact that the Dixon brothers had yet to return.

She told herself that it was anything else other than what was painfully obvious and, in these days, legitimate. She told herself that Merle had finally made sense of himself to Daryl and they had decided to part ways from the group. Maybe they were holed up in their own room or even house in Woodbury right then, filling their bellies with food and no longer concerned with a winter stockpile.

But Macyn knew that wasn't it. She was confident in Daryl's love for her, and because of that, he would never leave her. If Merle had been able to convince Daryl to leave, it would have happened before Willy Slater tried to kill Daryl. Still, she tried to concentrate on the more optimistic scenario. Although it contradicted anything that made sense, it seemed easier to believe that Daryl would leave her willingly than by force of death.

She mulled over both these thoughts and a glass of whiskey for almost an hour before decided to go to bed. She hadn't gone to bed by herself since she had killed Willy Slater and she found she really didn't like it much. The bed seemed much bigger and every little noise made her jump.

A couple of hours later, she had just dozed off when the bedroom door slowly opened and then clicked shut. Macyn startled up in bed, but Daryl turned on a light to reveal himself.

"I'm sorry darlin'," he whispered. "Merle and I were trying to get back in without wakin' everybody. I did knock on the Grimes' door and tell them we're back so they don't lose sleep over not having Lori's medicine."

"That was a good idea. I'm trying to keep her as calm as possible."

He shed his clothes and crawled under the covers with her. He knew he should shower, but more than that, he needed the skin-to-skin contact with her, and it had nothing to do with physical intimacy.

"How's your shoulder?"

Macyn must had sensed his need because she pulled the oversized t-shirt over her head before pushing her panties down her legs and onto the floor.

"It's a little sore, but I'll survive."

He pulled her against him and nuzzled into her neck. "Good. Because I don't think I could live without you, Macyn Ballard."

She frowned and turned to her back. "What happened out there, Daryl?"

"It's over. No sense in recountin' it."

"You don't get to do that," Macyn argued, getting out of the bed and pacing the room. "You don't get to volunteer to go on a really dangerous run, not come back until well after dark, then tell me there's no sense in talkin' 'bout what happened. You can't do that to me."

Daryl sighed and sat up, the sheet over his lap. He turned on the bedside lamp and shrugged.

"We got surrounded. I really didn't know if we were going to make it out. Kept waiting for you to come around and start snipin' 'em all."

Macyn smirked at his reference to when they had first met. "I wish I could have been there."

"No," Daryl said adamantly, shaking his head and pulling her back to the pillows with him. "It's better that you weren't. We waited 'em out. They got bored, or distracted by some animal, and we got through. If you were there, Macyn, I wouldn't have been able to wait. I would have needed to get you out of there, at all costs."

She nuzzled against his neck. "You can't do that, Daryl. You're all I got left. Without you, then I have nothin' to live for."

"You've got these people," Daryl reminded her. "They need you, and if, God forbid, something happened to me – I want you to stay with Rick, Macyn. He's got he's head on straight, straight as it can be in times like this. Watch out for Merle, do whatever you can to keep him with you guys. But Rick's the only one I trust to take care of you when I'm gone."

Her frown returned. "You act like you're leavin' soon. Did something else happen out there? Did you get bit?"

Frantically, she threw back the covers and started searching his skin for bites or scratches or cuts – anything that would provoke such a somber speech. Daryl stopped her by taking her hands and kissing her knuckles.

"It just makes me think about what could happen. This is the life we live now, darlin'. Gotta be prepared."

"I know you're right," she ceded. "I just hate to think about it."

He tipped her chin up so she was looking him in the eye. "Understand, even when I say I'd save you at all costs, I'd do everything in my power to make sure those costs don't include anything that separates us. Just as much as you don't want to be without me, I don't want to be without you."

Macyn couldn't help herself; she rolled them so she was on top of him and kissed him eagerly. Daryl returned the kiss, anxious to have that connection with her. Inevitably, they were interrupted by a knock on the door. He gently let her go to the side of him, then pulled on his pants.

"Rick, everything okay?"

"It's Lori. She's bleedin', real bad. Macyn awake?"

"She's gettin' dressed." He closed the door behind him. "You think this is it?"

Rick stared the other man down. Daryl was never one to beat around the bush, but this he knew he had to be tactful about. Rick could see that.

"I don't know. If it is, I'll take care of it."

Macyn swung the door open. "Ain't gonna be anything to take care of. Wake Carol."

"Beth, too?" Daryl asked.

"No. Let her sleep."

With that, she disappeared into the Grimes' room.

.&.

"Are you in pain?" she asked Lori while they waited for Daryl to bring the new supplies he and Merle had gathered and stored in the medical pantry.

Lori shook her head. "Not in pain. It just felt wet. I woke Rick, and we saw the blood. Please tell me this isn't what I think it is."

Macyn didn't say anything while she examined Lori. Carol walked in with the supplies; arranging everything on the bedside. After a few minutes, they all breathed a sigh of relief. Carol call Rick back in the room.

"Her placenta is laying low; it's called previa. It's going to be even more uncomfortable, but I'm putting you on absolute bedrest, Lori. For your sake and the baby's sake, I can't have you moving around too much until this resolves."

"What if it doesn't resolve before the baby is born?" Rick asked.

Macyn looked at Lori. "Then you'll be on absolute bedrest since then. We'll get you some exercises to keep your muscles from atrophying, and make sure that the contractions stop. I'm going to start easing you off the magnesium – see if we can't get this baby to just relax."

She threw her gloves into a nearby trash can and told Carol to go back to bed. Rick followed her back out to the hallway.

"How do we keep the baby relaxed?"

Macyn smiled. "Talk to your baby, Rick. Rub her belly, love Lori. When she's relaxed, the baby will relax."

He swallowed hard. "I can't lie to you. I'm having a hard time with this baby. With Carl, it was so much easier. There were no … complications."

Macyn's smile faded. "I suppose you're not talking about medical complications."

"You know I'm not."

"Shane's gone. I never knew him but from what I heard, he wasn't the type to last in a situation like this. Lori is your wife and she needs you. This baby is Carl's sibling, all things told. It's your baby, Rick." She wasn't getting through, so she tried a different path. "Merle and Daryl were nearly overrun at the hospital. Made Daryl think, he said. Told me tonight that if anythin' were to happen to him, I'm supposed to stick with you. Said you'd never steer me wrong. So, if you can't think of this baby as yours, then go on ahead and think of it as Shane's – but if you're going to do that, then I want you to take care of this baby for Shane. Even in his craziest moments, I think he knew you were the one who would take care of his, if he had left anything behind."

Rick, tight-lipped and silent, gave her a simple nod and slipped back to the room with his wife. Macyn didn't know if she had gotten through, but she had done what she could for the night.


.&.

Macyn was, once again, on watch. Nothing had happened in days – none of Woodbury's men had come around, and even walkers had been scarce.

Winter was well on its way. Macyn knew that Lori's baby would be here before the winter was over, but, thankfully, there had been no other mishaps since they had discovered the previa. Even that condition had corrected itself, and Lori's contractions had not returned. Macyn had walked in the other day to find Rick softly rubbing his hand over Lori's growing belly, telling the baby about chasing after some robber or another. Undetected, she had backed out of the room with a smile.

It didn't stop her from checking on Lori every few hours. She knew the new mother would soon enough be losing sleep with a newborn, but they couldn't chance letting any new obstacles go without treatment for any length of time. If she had better technology at her hands, Lori would have been better off. As it was, a physical check and vitals record every few hours was necessary with the resources available to them.

An unexplained tension had formed between Daryl and herself, which also kept her up at night. Since the night of walker attack when he had Merle had gone to get the medicine, when Daryl had told Macyn what to do if anything happened to him, their relationship had cooled. They had barely touched each other since then, never having completed what they started when Rick knocked on their bedroom door. They only kissed each other when one of them had to go on a run or hunt. In truth, the distance was being brought on from the both of them.

Daryl hated the thought of leaving her behind. He knew what it felt like – what it had been like when they found that box van missing and Merle gone with it. To break Macyn's heart like that … he hadn't been teasing in the slightest when he said that he would come back to her at all costs, but there were some things in this world that couldn't be avoided. There wouldn't always be someone to snipe an oncoming herd, or an animal to distract them. There wouldn't always be a way out.

Coming to terms with that meant coming to terms with the fact that Daryl could possibly shatter Macyn's world one day. He thought back to when their feelings first began, when he told her it was better not to be attached. Before Merle came back, before Willy Slater had come around, before Dale and T-Dawg and … so many things.

He hated this. Just when things started to seem so permanent, the world started to tip over on him again.


.&.

Lori was still looking healthy, and so was the baby. Macyn rejoiced for that, but her relief didn't show on her face. She kept a blank countenance and wrote down the details of the examination in the notebook on Lori's nightstand.

"You gonna tell me what's wrong or are you gonna make me guess?" Lori asked.

Macyn shook her head. "Nothin' you and I need to be talkin' about. You're healthy, baby's healthy. That'll be the end of it."

"Why? The whole place in danger?"

"No, Lori, it's because it ain't got anythin' to do with the rest of y'all. Woodbury's been staying out of our way, and we're out of theirs. Don't guess that'll be the end of our visits with them but for now everything is calm."

Lori sighed and sat back against the pillows, rubbing her belly. "Daryl, then."

Defeated, Macyn sat on the edge of the bed. "I hope this baby is a little girl. She'll have a really great mom, and I'll be around to make sure she appreciates that you're always in her business."

Lori chuckled softly. "Come on, Macyn. Spill it."

"I don't even know," she replied. She pulled the elastic from her hair and it fell down past her waist in those sun-bleached waves. "He came home a few weeks ago, from the medicine run, and started talking about what he wanted me to do if – if anything happened to him."

Lori's eager expression sobered. "Scares the hell out of ya, doesn't it?"

"Like you wouldn't believe," Macyn confirmed. "Everyone I've ever known and trusted has left me, Lori. My mother first. Then Robbie. Then my father, Willy Slater. If I have to add Daryl to that list, I don't wonder if it isn't better for it to happen by my own choice. Then I can blame myself and not him."

"You'll still blame him," Lori told her. "You'll blame him because he's not in your life, doesn't matter who the fault belongs to. When I thought Rick was dead, I hated him. Hated him for getting shot, for leavin' us. I never wanted anything more in my life than for him to come back to life. Just the same, I was so angry with him for leaving us. It wasn't even his fault, but I was still so angry with him."

Macyn stood up from the bed and quietly left the room. She didn't need Lori to explain her point; Macyn understood exactly what the older woman was saying. It didn't make her feel any better.


.&.
Daryl was on watch. He always took over for her. She knew that. So, she knew exactly where she would find him. Right on the porch, rocking back and forth, keeping an eye out. Occasionally, like today, smoking a stale cigarette, pilfered from the small stock in the pantry.

Daryl looked up at her. "Hey."

"Hey." Her greeting was just as short and cold as his. Rather than drag things out with small talk and thick silence, she got straight to the point. "We need to talk, Daryl."

He stood from his chair, his boots clunking against the wooden planks that made up the porch. He threw down the cigarette and put it out with the toe of his boot.

"Yeah," he agreed. "We do."

Notes

Comments

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SierraaDixon SierraaDixon
4/24/14
Omg whats coming next I'm so excited to find out.
Amazing chapter loved it :-)
Ceeekes Ceeekes
10/23/13
So damn cute! Love this story! :)
Dixon'sVixon Dixon'sVixon
10/17/13
I still love it :-)
Ceeekes Ceeekes
10/16/13
I love this x
Ceeekes Ceeekes
10/8/13