When I woke up in the morning, I was so disoriented that I didn’t even know which way I was in the bed. That’s why I tried to get up from the wrong side of the bed. I hit my already aching head to the wall. I slumped back to the bed holding my head.
‘’Fuuuuck’’, I whispered to myself.
‘’Still trying to crack open that head of yours?’’, someone asked. I opened my eyes and looked who the hell was on my door. Biggie stood the watching me closely.
‘’Yep, didn’t succeed yesterday. Thought to try it again today’’, I answered to him. He nodded to me.
‘’There is breakfast if you’re done with… that’’, he said and left. I sat on the edge of the bed and massaged my temples. I was so tired, just wanted to crawl back under my blanket. The baby cried every two hour or, so I guess. And it was so hard to get back to sleep after every time. I remember mom taking care of little baby Sparrow. She was so good with him. I mean when she still did it. I almost never woke for his cries at nights. Mom had a mission to make our lives like it used to be. Trying too much and making it too perfect. I didn’t mind. I knew how bad things could get. Dad was a whole another story. He wanted to do stuff with me, and he hated mom trying to fix us. He nagged to her to stop doing this or that. Sometimes I found mom crying while doing laundry. It just didn’t work. Then dad left again. He couldn’t take it anymore. Again I had to make everything work. I took deep breath and shook the memories away. My stomach gave a brutal growl. I got up and patted it.
‘’Yeah, yeah’’, I muttered to it. Slowly and as quietly as I could I walked down the noisy stairs. Still, it made lots of unnecessary noises that I didn’t like. I cringed every step that I took.
Everyone was already eating. I nodded mornings to everyone I made eye contact with. Lil’ miss Blondie had baby in her lap. Biggie gave me a plate and went sit next to Mr. Dirty. I sat on the stairs behind Gun boy. Now I could see the effect of yesterday. Everyone was so silent, nothing to say. No words would make different what went down. I stared everybody closely from under my hair and trying to read their expressions. It got interrupted by Sheriff coming to the room. How I haven’t noticed that he was not here? He looked like shit and seemed like he wasn’t quite here. But still he just took the control. The whole atmosphere changed in the room. Sheriff went straight to Gun boy but didn’t acknowledge the baby. They were talking about clearing some space and other stuff. I didn’t listen to them so closely. When they have some kind of plan to work with, Sheriff left. Everybody looked each other and then continue eating.
Chinese and Bloody hands are first to finish and apparently they are going for a run and get some stuff they need in here. They put the plates on the table and leave to get ready. Gun boy say that he comes with to clear the boiler room or something. Biggie said to him to go get gun, so they can leave. They both got up and leave. I got up too and offer to do the dishes. Oldie smiles to me and nods. He tells me where to find water, although I already know. I nod to him and watch as he leaves. I start to gather dirty plates from table.
‘’Oh no’’, I hear Lil’ miss Blondie say. She gets up from the table and comes rushing to me. She’s covered in some wet white stuff. She pushes baby to my arms before I have a chance to back away.
‘’I need to get cleaned. Take the baby’’, she says and rushes away.
‘’But… but’’, I say to nobody. I look down at the baby. She looks uncomfortable and starts to wiggle. Then it starts to make noises. I panic, I don’t have glue what to do with her.
‘’Oh God… Sshhh… It’s okay just please..’’, try to calm her by whispering. She only starts to cry. What the fuck should I do? I feel strong hands moving my arms so the baby is in better position. When baby is safely in my arms, I feel the hands start to sway my gently.
‘’There. You good there Ass kicker, aren’t ya?’’, Dirty talks to baby. Baby calms down little pit when she hears his voice. I’m so out of my comfort zone and maybe little pit confused. I totally forgot that he was still in here. And now he stands next to me, other arm around me to keep me swaying. I’m sure by now I would be swaying all by myself. Dirty extended hand to baby, and she craps it like her life depend on it. I watch him mumbling to baby. They are looking each other and it feels like they share some kind of connection I can’t understand. And in some strange way they tie me in it. I’m not sure I want to be part of it but I just can’t leave. I watch Dirty’s face even closely. He has this loving little smile in his eyes. I bet that you can’t even see it if you aren’t looking him close enough. And somehow I found it. I’m amazed by it and even more confused. How did I get myself at this moment? I watch the baby and then back at Mr. Dirty. I think I’m invading so badly. I have to get myself together and I seriously try. I’m almost getting myself together but then… Then he stares strait in to my eyes. Motherfucker. He stares me with that look in his eyes that belongs to the baby. Fuck, that should be illegal. One look and I’m gone. Even if I know it isn’t for me. I can’t move or do anything else. I’m not even sure if I’m breathing or in this point if I really need to anymore. CLONG. I flinch the new sound and Dirty hold of me gets tighter. My heart is pounding hard in my chest. Biggie and Gun boy comes. Dirty takes step back and nods to Biggie who is now watching me closely. In have no idea what he sees. Then Lil' miss Blondie comes and takes the baby. She says thanks over her shoulder and disappears. Biggie is still looking at me. Suddenly I feel empty. Guys leave and silence surrounds me. My hands feel useless. They are still in position to hold the baby but there's nothing. I lower my eyes to my hands and slowly put them around me and hug myself. First time in years I notice how empty I feel. I put so much stuff away that it leaves me nothing. I'm just empty shell. Now the wall is down and I have all this emotional stuff in my hands that I have never even tried to figure out. I tried to push them back where they belong but it feels so hard.
I'm exhausted when I finally start to clean the plates. It was an easy job, and I was done quickly. I go back to my sell to rest. My head is this so full of thought although, I try to put them away as fast as I can. It's not working. I rest my head to pillow and try to sleep it off.
When I wake up from my naps, it's quiet. I get up and decide to go get my own clothes. While I was glad about these clothes, I wanted just my own. I was feeling already so out of place and out of balance. Maybe my own clothes would magically help me. I was skeptical about my thoughts but it was worth a shot. I didn't exactly have lot to lose. I stretched my still aching muscles. Well, my headache was gone. One good thing. It was so quiet inside. I looked in the sells while walking. Where was everybody? When I was turning in the corridor, I saw a shadow. I picked my blade from my boot. Just as I was reading myself, I recognize the shadow. It was Mr. Dirty and he was carrying someone. I tucked the blade back to my boot. I waited for him to pass me. I knew it was rude to ogle but I really wanted to see who it was. When he walked past, I looked him with curiosity. He didn't look at me. I looked at the one he was carrying. It was definitely woman. She was dirty and looked like she was pass out. I recognized her hair. It was Gray Lady. I thought she had died. I walked briskly out but stopped to door. Everyone was outside: Oldie, Gun boy, Lil' miss Blondie and baby. They were watching something. I walked silently behind them and looked where they were looking. Sheriff was standing in front of the fence. He was looking Z's. Had he seriously lost it for good?
This was firts named Frozen moment. I had this idea of Glenn taking picture of them but he didn't have camera yet at this episode so I couldn't do that. Hopefully you liked it. It's one of my favorite chapters. Comments?